WOH/Kids/Feminism: WDYT?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
WOH/Kids/Feminism: WDYT?
1456
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 9:06am

Okay, let's debate something else. One morning a few months ago, I was crabby to DH about having to get ready for work. DH said, "Well, if you don't want to go to work, quit!"

Later that day, I told him I was just venting, and then I told him some of the reasons I really do like WOH. One reason was something to the effect that I wanted to WOH as part of at-home feminism for our DD's. He said he had no idea what I was talking about.

I thought about it some and decided that although this is a heartfelt idea for me, it's still fuzzy. I suppose I meant that I want to show my DDs how to live independently of a man, in the sense of income, ability to make one's way in the world, and so on, even if they choose marriage & kids. My feelings of pride in my own mom, who was a WOH mom, come into it, too.

Caution: I don't mean in any way to suggest anything the least bit negative about SAH moms. That's not what this is about. Nor do I mean to suggest that anyone has to WOH to teach their kids feminist or gender neutral values. That's not what this is about, either.

Do you think there's any value in WOH as part of raising kids? Please help me clarify my thinking.

Sabina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2000
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 4:11pm

Even recent college grads think they should make big bucks coming right out of college - so many aren't willing to pay their dues.


While I can't imagine being ready for marriage right out of college, I wonder what I would have done if I *had* married right out of college.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2003
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 4:12pm

I don't have any "theory" regarding PNJ (my post to Mondomom was about MY experience).

If PNJ says the sale of her childhood home was traumatic for her, who am I (or you) to question her feelings?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 4:14pm

"What's odd is the absence of any such strong feelings associated with acutal relationships."


I was much more traumatized when my grandmother died when I was 32 than I was by my parents' move.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 4:15pm

"It's so much more than the 'thing.'" Well, what more is it, then? She didn't lose anything BUT a thing, a house in which she no longer even lived.

Logic has a lot to do with it for me - like the ability to have a sense of perspective.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2003
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 4:15pm
But you are not very materialistic. Others (me included) value "things" much more than you do and are therefore more likely to be "traumatized" by their loss.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 4:18pm

Hey, she had whatever feelings she had. I don't get it, but I believe it.

OK, I take it back for you - Mondomom thought her feelings might have been magnified by the loss of her mother, though, which was not the case.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 4:18pm
"She didn't lose anything BUT a thing," - no, that's not correct. The house was a symbol of my childhood, and my childhood was over.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 4:21pm
I missed the thread to which you speak. Someone else found it odd that someone would feel "trauma" at the loss of a thing. That's the issue I was addressing. But if it helps you any, my husband still feels a profound sense of loss over many things, past relationships that ended badly, or just ended, his 15 year old cat whose ashes he kees in an urn, the loss of his dad. Not 24/7 but when it comes up in conversation, I see it in his eyes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 4:21pm
Huh? Why would any particular person be *the best one to be with my children*. The best thing for my children is for my children to be with a variety of different people. 9-3:30, really, the best people to be with them are trained and experienced educators. After that, it really depends on what my children would like to be doing. When they would like to be doing gymnastics...really, I am far from the best one to be with them. When its hockey, again, I have no experience. On the soccer field, their Dad really is good, but I don't know if he's the best one to be with them. He's certainly very good. The soccer club has decided he's the best one to be with our son, and the sons of quite a few other people too. For my daughter though, they've selected someone else. Shrug. Its not like he could coach two competitive teams anyway...not enough hours in a week. On the ski hill, again, I may be the best they have available, but there are a world of other much more accomplished skiiers who would probably be better to be with them at least some of the time. They don't get alot of great improvement advice under my watchful eye. I'm not the worlds greatest housekeeper, cook, or really, the worlds greatest anything. I'm not sure what my husband thinks I'm beat at, other than at being the best person to be sharing a life with him and his family, in the role of mother and wife. Hopefully nothing. Because quite frankly, I'm not. As I've said. We've never actually even considered putting the kids up for adoption, so I'm not sure why you think I've hired that mother thing out? At any point in time, I'm quite frankly, learning the ropes of parenting my own children at the age they are. I might be a really good choice to care for anyone under 8, since I've been that road twice. But quite frankly, I wouldn't advise anyone to let me loose on their preteens just because. My first is only 11. Oh sure, I'll handle it, but really, if you want the best, go find someone whose been that road a couple times already. In fact as I'm discovering with my 11 year old, the fact that I love that child more than anyone else except maybe her Dad, is likely to make me less useful than maybe a less involved person would be. They get into some *real* complicated emmotional thingys and it really surprised me how easily I was pulled into experiencing her world with her. That is a by-product of love, and its not a good one. For one thing, its difficult to offer good, solid, unbiased advice from the middle of *trauma*. Even a teeny bopper 11 yr old trauma. And quite frankly, its exhausting. I've been down that road once, I don't think I can manage another trip, experienced in the first person, down that emmotioanl teenage road. I am not up for it. So I've noted...I'm going to have to manage that love thing alittle more proactively, in order to be the best parent to a teen I can be. I've always kind of been like that though...no real reason to think I'm the be-all and end-all if I have no experience.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 4:22pm
I don't get your attachment to pets.

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