WOH/Kids/Feminism: WDYT?

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Registered: 12-29-2004
WOH/Kids/Feminism: WDYT?
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Tue, 02-08-2005 - 9:06am

Okay, let's debate something else. One morning a few months ago, I was crabby to DH about having to get ready for work. DH said, "Well, if you don't want to go to work, quit!"

Later that day, I told him I was just venting, and then I told him some of the reasons I really do like WOH. One reason was something to the effect that I wanted to WOH as part of at-home feminism for our DD's. He said he had no idea what I was talking about.

I thought about it some and decided that although this is a heartfelt idea for me, it's still fuzzy. I suppose I meant that I want to show my DDs how to live independently of a man, in the sense of income, ability to make one's way in the world, and so on, even if they choose marriage & kids. My feelings of pride in my own mom, who was a WOH mom, come into it, too.

Caution: I don't mean in any way to suggest anything the least bit negative about SAH moms. That's not what this is about. Nor do I mean to suggest that anyone has to WOH to teach their kids feminist or gender neutral values. That's not what this is about, either.

Do you think there's any value in WOH as part of raising kids? Please help me clarify my thinking.

Sabina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 7:31pm

Interesting.

Mondo

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 7:38pm

How do you know none of it was replaced?? Its perfectly feasible that they found a less expensive ballet school, and still went riding at the local stables on occasion, just didnt own the horses they were riding.


Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 7:55pm

***True it is how you manage your finances. By saying you could of..does that mean you didn't and or don't?***

It means that when we were living on that amount, we didn't have children. We could have means that we had that income, I knew our expenses and financial situation and the added expenses of the two children that we have could have factored into our situation.

***I am thinking in terms of contributions to IRA's($2-3000/each depending on year) and maxing your donation into 401k's (15% of gross income) and putting a minimum of 5% into savings each month for er's.***

Heck- even many people who are making 6-figure incomes aren't doing that (not that I'm saying that they *shouldn't* or that it's not important, of course!) But we definately could have/were putting away at least 5% into savings. DH has always worked with companies that offered good retirement plans.

***With college tuition running about 3-5K per semester at a cheap school....you would be able to help with that as well?***

Yes, we would have. Again- not *all* of it obviously, but *help with*? Absolutely.

Wytchy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 8:01pm

Sorry, but it's still only a 'want'. It may be a 'want' that you ae unwilling to compromise on, but if faced with the circumstance, living in an area without a great school system isn't going to kill you or your kids. If the schools are only mediocre, you can certainly adapt to supplement that so-so education yourself or through other channels. It may not be ideal, but many things in life *aren't*. If you have the choice? Absolutely a great school is the priority, but if you don't, you deal with it and make the best of your situation. Or have you never had to do that before? ;)

Wytchy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 8:13pm

Like I said- some people are spoiled. Others may just have deeper issues or mental health situations whereby they 'need' some professional help dealing with life events. Still- you are confusing 'need' with 'want'. Subjectively speaking, I *need* my hour long bubble bath with a good book every night- but if I don't get it, I'm not going to die. I just won't be as relaxed and refreshed as I like to be and am used to. I don't actually *need* need it. Do you honestly not recognize a difference? Likewise, if Horse Girl doesn't have her horse, she isn't going to die. Even if equestrian sports were going to be her paid career (very rare) she can always do something else or find new fulfilling hobbies. Or, she could see about working at the barn in exchange for either board or lessons or both. Regardless, losing her horse isn't going to kill her.

Wytchy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 8:48pm

So, you're saying that parents should never move their children? ;) As for the hobby being replaced, just because it may not be replaced with an expensive past time doesn't mean that it can't be replaced. The parent might help the girl talk with the barn owner and see about continuing at least the lessons in exchange for working at the barn. They may even be able to work out a barter whereby the girl could board her horse. Even if she gets out of the riding scene alltogether, what would she do once she went off to college *anyway*? Most teen girls don't continue riding into adulthood after all. (I was one of them- I know that neither I nor any of my barn mates did... We showed Saddlebreds- saddleseat.) Anyway- point being, "But at least the old is being replaced. In the case being discussed here - the old isn't even being replaced. No new stable, no new riding club, no new show circuit, no new ballet school, no new exam schedual. Its. Just. Gone." isn't necessarily the case. Unless one honestly feels that such things are the be-all-end-all of life and can't be replaced or compared with less costly or simpler things and that such children/people can't possibly learn to find enjoyment in anything else. Which, as I've said previously around here, is IMO more than a bit spoiled. I also think you are grossly underestimating the resiliance and adaptibility of teenagers/children/people.

Wytchy

Avatar for laurenmom2boys
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 8:54pm
And if your kids don't have a SAHP they're not going to die. It's really not necessary to have a SAHP. Food, shelter and clothing are necessary. A SAHP is not. Having a SAHP is more a want than a need.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 8:57pm

I'm thinking that you may not be privy to the intimate details of these people's financial lives, either that or they're living in some of the more expensive suburban areas. Quite a few of my sahm friends are living and raising children happily on incomes of around (some a bit above, some a bit below) the 40,000 mark. Not sure how those you've mentioned aren't able to do that around here. Especially given your BIL's/sister's situation as you've described, unless there's more to it than you're aware of. *shrugs* Of course, I've seen what people come up against when they're fixing up an old house. Those repairs and updates for most people tend to take up a *huge* dent in the budget. We're remodelling our downstairs and already with just the heating alone and the new bathtub have run into 12,000. It gets expensive doing home repairs/remodelling.

As for unexpected large expenses etc. *many* people living on *loads* more than 40000/yr are in that position. In fact, in America it seems the rule rather than the exception. Most Americans, according to various financial sources, are living well beyond their means and accruing ghastly amounts of debt. It's the rare person who doesn't have debt beyond a house and car payment.

Wytchy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 9:01pm

And all that depends on what career field one gets into in the first place. If one chooses a career field that is more universally employable with steady pay rates across the board, then one is in a much better position than one who chooses a niche market where one is limited in terms of where they can apply their skills. You're seeing it as an issue of *location* choice, whereas I'm looking at things in terms of career choice as well.

Wytchy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 9:02pm

Well blow me down! I'm a rare person!


I do have some cc debt, but no car payment, and my cc debt is WAYYYYY less than a car loan. So, I have measly cc debt and a mortgage, so I must be one of those rare folk ...

Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color.  Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.

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