WOH/Kids/Feminism: WDYT?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
WOH/Kids/Feminism: WDYT?
1456
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 9:06am

Okay, let's debate something else. One morning a few months ago, I was crabby to DH about having to get ready for work. DH said, "Well, if you don't want to go to work, quit!"

Later that day, I told him I was just venting, and then I told him some of the reasons I really do like WOH. One reason was something to the effect that I wanted to WOH as part of at-home feminism for our DD's. He said he had no idea what I was talking about.

I thought about it some and decided that although this is a heartfelt idea for me, it's still fuzzy. I suppose I meant that I want to show my DDs how to live independently of a man, in the sense of income, ability to make one's way in the world, and so on, even if they choose marriage & kids. My feelings of pride in my own mom, who was a WOH mom, come into it, too.

Caution: I don't mean in any way to suggest anything the least bit negative about SAH moms. That's not what this is about. Nor do I mean to suggest that anyone has to WOH to teach their kids feminist or gender neutral values. That's not what this is about, either.

Do you think there's any value in WOH as part of raising kids? Please help me clarify my thinking.

Sabina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 1:10pm

Apparantly you haven't been understanding what I've been saying. I haven't been dismissive of others wants, I've merely stated my disagreements that what some consider "needs" are not *needs* but wants. There is nothing at all wrong with providing for ones wants if one has the means to do so. However, if one can't, it's not the end of the world. Would I feel sad at having to change our ideal lifestyle that includes a sahp and homeschooling? Sure I would. But it's not a *need*. We could easily adapt and still have a happy functional family. I wouldn't be thrilled out of my mind, but neither would I be miserable and "die". Spiritually or otherwise ;)

Wytchy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 1:18pm

***For me, "comfortably" includes mental wellbeing.***

As it does for me as well. We just have different ideas of what it takes for us to have that. While you may feel that living in your high COL area and living near family is most important to you, I don't. We live in a low COL area and live 3hrs away from our families. (As DH and I both did growing up.) I've made lots of wonderful friends out here, so friends aren't an issue. Of course, we moved shortly after I graduated from high school, so leaving friends wasn't exactly an issue- everyone was off to college and/or families/work etc. anyway.

***esp since I have very young children and don't have a lot of opportunity for socializing and making new friends.***

Why would that be? Around here when we moved I didn't know anyone. I made some friends by getting involved in the community before we had children, but no "mom" friends. After the birth of my son I got involved with some at-home Moms clubs and organizations and have made loads of friends there. We get together with the kids and without the kids. Is there some reason that you are physically or mentally incapable of leaving your home to get out and about?

***I know that I would feel isolated initially and it would take a long time for me to feel comfortable. I don't think that would be healthy for me or my kids.***

I agree. If it's not for you, then it's not for you. Again I'm certainly not suggesting that everyone move so they can be sahm's! LOL! I'm just saying that it *is* an option, and one that those who prioritize at-home parenting *above other things* can choose.

***Good mental health is very important for a SAHM.***

As it is for any parent, IMO.

Wytchy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 1:21pm

That might be true for a year. Maybe 2 or 3. But I sincerely doubt that it's possible to pay less in rent over the term of a 30 year mortgage note than the mortgage would cost. By the time I'd owned my home 5 years, I could already have rented it for double the mortgage payment, but even on the day I bought it, the mortgage was $75/mo *less* than I'd been paying for a smaller 3 bedroom apartment. And my condo is in a MUCH nicer neighborhood than my former apartment.

Unless you're living hundreds of miles from nowhere, rent is simply *not* cheaper than a mortgage for more than a tiny fraction of the years a mortgage would last.

Karen

"A pocketknife is like a melody;
sharp in some places,
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 1:23pm

I lost both of my parents before I was 28 and sold their home and lost our family pet, in that order. I had to be and was strong when my father and mother died. I told myself I didn't care about the apartment. Several years later, after I spent thousands of dollars to keep that poor, elderly cat alive, I fell apart when she died.

I didn't love the cat more. I didn't love my parents less. Maybe it was the last straw, or the last vestige of that family, or maybe it was just a safe time and way to grieve. Any way you look at it, there's no right way to feel about any of this, and anyone who would lift an eyebrow at someone else's grief is just plain cold.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2005
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 1:26pm

*better* than someone else because we define sacrifice and priority differently? hardly not...that was not my intention at all....she is looking for some magic # to justify why she should stay at home. I stay at home for my own reasons and I would stay at home regardless of what my DH income was. That was my point.

I guess I could go on too about the things she has (more than I do....not in a jealous or envious way by any means) but in a said way that makes me look at her picture and my picture and conclude that we define sacrifice and priority in different ways.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 1:27pm
Possibly. It also depends, I believe, on how "long" is being defined. I travel 35 miles in about 60 minutes, one way. I know people living in DC and Virginia, who spend just as long (time wise) as I do, but travel 10 miles or less. IMO, that's just nuts. LOL..or maybe I'm the one whose nuts...I feel like for that kind of time, I should be able to say I actually got somewhere :)

Karen

"A pocketknife is like a melody;
sharp in some places,
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 1:28pm

You really couldn't be further from the mark. I grew up in a housing project in Jersey City. I know very well, better than most of the people debating me, that it can be done. I also know the emotional cost of living that close to the line, again, far better than most other people in this debate.

What rubbed me the wrong way and brought me to this debate is the original poster's blithe assertion that although she'd never personally done it, she was quite sure that she could live comfortably on $37k a year. There's a big difference between scraping by when there are two adults, and I don't mean that the kids add to the cost (although they do). I lived poor as a young adult and it was fine (in fact, it was what I was used to). I was young, it was just me, and I'd get by one way or another. It's far different to accept that risk when you are responsible for children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2005
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 1:31pm

***Good mental health is very important for a SAHM.***

As it is for any parent, IMO

lol..i thought we all lost brain cells when we became mothers.......j/k

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 1:32pm

Yes, I know. I'm an employer and we provide group coverage for our employees. We have good coverage - not the very top of the line, probably B+/A- coverage. Covering a family under our group plan costs $13,000 a year. We pay most of that, but employees still pay several hundred dollars per month, depending on whether it's single, married or family coverage.

I also represent dozens of employers who offer coverage, including coverage under union health and welfare plans, which in theory ought to be the cheapest. None are much under $10k a year for family coverage and most are more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 1:33pm

" I stay at home for my own reasons and I would stay at home regardless of what my DH income was. That was my point."


When you say that you would stay home regardless of your DH's income does that mean you will never return to work? Even if he is unemployed? Even if he is making no money? I am sure you have savings and insurance but, worse case scenario, the savings is eaten up and the insurance runs out (no money for COBRA), would you still stay home?


You made a pretty powerful statement there....

"I have never even had a cross word with a deer"


"I do not want to be a princess! I want to be myself"

Mallory (age 3)

      &nbs

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