Working for Lifestyle/Extras

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2005
Working for Lifestyle/Extras
3621
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 11:13am

Hi Ladies :)

This is my first time on this debate board and I have been dying to jump into some of the topics, but I feel as though they are sooooo long (one in particular is over 1000 replies, yikes!) that starting my own specific one might work out better.

Anyhow, a recurring theme here seems to be what Moms should and shouldn't be going to work for. It seems some are of the opinion that is OK for Mom to work if she must to pay her bills but NOT if its to afford a nice car, house, good neighborhood. This is considered keeping up with the Johnses (who are they???) and thats bad.

Well, I want to know what in the heck is wrong with a women working to have nice things? I don't mean working and leaving baby in child care 16 hours a day, everyday...thats pretty extreme.

I enjoyed a certain lifestyle before having a child, should I have downsized that lifestyle once baby came so I didn't have to work? What about me *wanting* to maintain a certain lifestyle for myself, my husband, and my child makes me a (a) workaholic or (b) striving to keep up with the Joneses?

Don't some people (like myself) simply enjoy living in a nice place with nice things and want their children to have the same experience?

So please, anyone who thinks a women is wrong for WOH if she is not doing so to financially survive but does it to maintain a certain lifestyle...whats wrong with this?

Thanks all :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 3:45pm

How many waking hours are your children with the dcp vs. you/family? Sleeping hours don't count for what we are talking about, or are you wanting to count them as well?

When you put a child in other care, the provider instills values (negative and positive whether you like the values or not), the provider teaches their brand of compassion, the provider teaches life's lessons from their moral standpoint,

I've been a wohm. My view is everything but limited.

"Besides this we have our living prophet, for whom I am grateful, and I hope to follow after him all the days of my life.&

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 3:46pm

"or do marriage and birthrates simply decrease like they have in many European countries?"

Actually, I've had the opposite impression: in countries with truly dismal birth rates such as Italy and Germany, the decrease in birth rate is happening precisely because men tend to be even more inflexible than they do in the US (or Scandinavian countries). In particular, Italian men are so catered to by their mothers and expect their wives to cater to them to the same extent that most women think twice (or thrice) about marrying at all let alone having children with a husband who is essentially another "baby" to take care of.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2005
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 3:59pm
wow, kbmammm's come back as a divorce attorney. imagine that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2006
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 4:06pm
So are you assuming that none of the WOHMs here have ever been SAHMs? Is it that inconceivable that someone could have done both and come to a different conclusion than you did?


Edited 12/1/2006 4:07 pm ET by lindamom3kidlets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 4:08pm

So long as women are the ones willing to have to be flexible, the status quo won't change.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 4:10pm
You can't really play the hours game once your children are in full time school.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 4:13pm

I could not stand to SAH on a full-time basis, I would not be happy"

This is just it. "It's" not about YOU. It's about your children and what is best for them and I don't think that is for a mother to be out of the home to work for extras as the topic suggests.

I would forever put a dent in my career"

So, raising your children would put a dent in your career. huh.

, and I would not teach my child the lessons I want to teach her."

And what lessons are those?

What the ideal is for children is to be raised by their own mothers instead of putting them off on other care so there are no dents in their careers.

In answer to my question of the ideal being a child raised in other care you replied:

No, this isn't the ideal."

Thank you for proving my point.

But who here is not raising their own child? Who is raising these children?"

Anyone with children in other care is allowing outside influences to raise their child of which they have absolutely no control.

Let me ask you a few questions...

1) is your husband raising his kids or did he adbicate that to you? Or is it only mothers who don't raise their own kids when they work?

He is raising our children with me. We hold the same moral values, we have the same exact goals wrt our children and our family and we do it together. The level of commitment is different with parents than it is with the majority of care providers.

2) Men/women who are deployed in the military...are they raising their children? (oh and some posters, don't tell me not to go there I am an ex-Marine)

No, they aren't when they are deployed to the extent that someone else is meeting their child's needs and wants. My husband has been deployed. He wasn't raising our daughter with me like he did before and after he left. It wasn't really possible. I know all about being deployed. I was guardian of a child of two fellow officers who were married in the Army. I raised the child when they were both TDY or deployed. I did it on and off for 3 years. They acknowledged my efforts not only monetarily, but emotionally as well. They were as much a support to me in helping them raise their little boy as I was to them in raising him. That's the only way good dc works.

3)How many hours away from home qualifies as someone else raising my children?

I think that depends. Going to the gym or to the grocery or appointments aren't the same as a consistent basis such as working daily for a set amount of hours. I never cared for children whose parents didn't work, so I don't know much about that. If my dcp's weren't working then their child was with them or their family and not me. 1/2 hour before work and 1/2 hour after.

4) when the kids are old enough for school, do the schools raise them?

Yes, they do.

5) if the kids go away to summer camp either day or overnight, who is raising them?

To some extent these are extensions of our raising them. This is why it's so important to know who we leave our children with.

My position isn't silly. I don't think yours is at this point in our discussion. I can see why you think your position is important.

Sure, if a child is shipped off to boarding school 10 months of the year there might be some debate. But do you seriously think a kid who sees mom and dad in the morning and then in the evening and then all weekend is being raised by someone who has them for work times?"

Yes.

I have a nanny who stays with my child in my home because its the best choice for me, and not quitting work when I had a child allows me and my DH a lot of seniority."

That will work well for you one day when you find out your dd needed you and you weren't there, won't it? I think parents who choose to work and don't have to are forcing their children to adapt to something which isn't natural. If a parent is forced to work for reasons beyond their control, I think they are blessed in different ways by God.

We are always there for her when she needs us."

I don't think so. I know my children have need of help throughout the day and they either rely on their great problem solving skills or they come to me. I know the values they are using to solve their problems are good ones. I think that's important.

She talks to us on the phone a few times a day each, at least once a week one of us or both has lunch with her. WE are raising our child."

It could be so much more but your seniority seems to be a high priority there. Don't you think she craves to be with you?

If you are going to make a comment which basically says WOH do not raise their own children you need to back it up."

You do each time you make statements like the ones above, thanks.

But you're on a *debate* board. Here we talk about what we think, we debate the points behind the thoughts, etc. You cannot just make a statement like "SAH is best" thus imply WOH is not the best and expect people to take it at face value, we'll expect some proof, some back up because if you don't have those things its only best for YOU which no one can argue with."

Sure, we are on a debate board. I've only just begun, rest assured. ;) I think I've been explaining my ideas and thoughts rather well. If I'm not clear on something please feel free to ask me to clarify. I don't mind at all. I will continue to say it is what I know is best for my children and me.

But when you try to say its the ideal for us all to live up to....well some of us don't feel that it is and will question it and debate it."

Good! Then we are here for the same reason after all.

"Besides this we have our living prophet, for whom I am grateful, and I hope to follow after him all the days of my life.&

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 4:16pm
40-50 hours? These are mostly waking hours, yes? Yes. So, who's raising your children again?

"Besides this we have our living prophet, for whom I am grateful, and I hope to follow after him all the days of my life.&

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2005
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 4:17pm

So do you think it would be better for our children if we were working 40+ hours per week as well?

No one called WOHM's crappy.

No, it's not many, only eleven per week with all three of us sitting at the table together. My sister's husband works close enough to drive home for lunch. They sit down for 21 meals per week.

Your kids are both in school, right? which makes them neither babies, nor losing much time if any by having you work.

My children don't have a part-time dad anymore than the children of WOHM's have part-time mothers. And as I said in my post, my husband doesn't work 50 hours a week so I can SAH. He did that before we had children, before my pregnancy, and before we got married as a matter of fact.

When did law schools stop requiring graduates to use basic writing skills like paragraphs, correct spelling, and standard grammar?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 4:22pm

You need to keep up with the posts. My husband has a very active role in our children's lives. I know not all parents can do it like this but we made sure our goals came to fruition.

I was a nanny to three boys. Your nanny is raising your child with you and bet you 10 to one she feels like it. She may never say a word to you but the thought is there. Naturally. I bet she loves your dd. This is how you know she is raising your child with you. I don't think you have nothing to do with the child but she is doing a great majority of the work, is she not?

"Besides this we have our living prophet, for whom I am grateful, and I hope to follow after him all the days of my life.&

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