The Working Mom and Custody Issues

Avatar for tickmich
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Registered: 03-26-2003
The Working Mom and Custody Issues
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Mon, 11-30-2009 - 8:24pm

There was an article in this month's Working mother magazine about wrking mom's losing custody to SAHD's.

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Avatar for mom34101
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 01-09-2010 - 10:06am

Well, I'll answer, since it's my kid being maligned. ;)

Our school is located in a busy urban neighborhood. It's dark at 5, and I understand why our building security didn't want my 12-year-old dd outside waiting for the bus by herself. If there were other kids waiting, or it wasn't dark, I'm sure it wouldn't have been an issue. I also understand why my 12-yr-old, who feels perfectly safe at her school, didn't give it much thought. You and I have in the past had numerous discussions about the differences between the U.S. and Sweden, and I don't think it makes sense to directly compare safety issues in two such different cultures.

As for the rest, if you read the thread fairly, you'll see that I never said kids needed to be in strict supervision at all times or even that they are. But in my kid's school, kids need to be in a supervised activity *if they are there after school.* That doesn't mean someone is watching their every move--it means they don't want kids to be hanging out for no particular reason. It also doesn't mean kids don't have less supervision at other times, particularly HS kids, who for example, can leave the grounds for lunch, drive themselves to and from school, and easily come to evening events unattended.

I don't think schools are obliged to provide an opportunity for kids to hang out with their friends after school unsupervised. I agree that it's up to *parents* to create those opportunities as the kids are ready.

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Registered: 04-22-2005
Sat, 01-09-2010 - 10:45am

<>

In other words, no loitering?















iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
Sat, 01-09-2010 - 10:55am

"You and I have in the past had numerous discussions about the differences between the U.S. and Sweden, and I don't think it makes sense to directly compare safety issues in two such different cultures. "

Yes, I agree, although there are safety issues where I live as well. It just seemed like such a strange general statement (that a kid who would even think of waiting outside in the dark and cold would be in need of more supervision) on the part of PKA that I was surprised. My kids' school is also located in a very busy urban neighborhood. Actually, I worry less about dd and ds walking to the bus stop in the neighborhood of the school than I do about them walking home from the bus stop in our neighborhood, even though our neighborhood is generally a very safe and "good" one. The school is surrounded by shops and restaurants and is a very busy area. If they get nervous or someone threatens them, they can easily attract the attention of passersby or run into a store or restaurant for help. Our neighborhood is rather too quiet and unpopulated for my taste, if that makes sense? At the moment, I let dd catch the bus from school (about 2 blocks from the school) but usually meet her at the bus stop in our neighborhood.

The dark is a whole different issue. We get a maximum of about 6 hours of sunlight in winter, so they start school when it's pitch dark and, at least in the case of ds, usually get out when it's pitch dark. Walking to and from the bus stop in the dark is pretty much the only option :-/.

"As for the rest, if you read the thread fairly, you'll see that I never said kids needed to be in strict supervision at all times or even that they are. But in my kid's school, kids need to be in a supervised activity *if they are there after school.* That doesn't mean someone is watching their every move--it means they don't want kids to be hanging out for no particular reason."

That makes perfect sense to me, and that's what I understood from the posts I read. It sounds like the school is trying to ensure that nothing untoward happens on school property. I simply could not see any relationship between a school choosing to protect itself and children on the property by requiring that they be in supervised activities at all times while at school and children not being able to learn how to do things without supervision, which is why PKA's statement puzzled me.

"I don't think schools are obliged to provide an opportunity for kids to hang out with their friends after school unsupervised. "

Yup, I completely agree. Actually, my kids' school does allow kids to stay after school without being in a supervised activity but I've never heard of kids actually choosing to hang out at school. If they are going to hang out at all (and it seems like at ds' age no one has time to do this during the week anyway), they'd rather head over to the city library or a cafe (hanging out in cafes is a seriously Swedish habit that all teens pick up on sooner or later ;-)).

Avatar for mom34101
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 01-09-2010 - 11:09am
Yeah, I guess that's a good way to put it. You can socialize with your friends while you're in a club or an activity. This is an arts magnet school, so kids are here because that's what they love doing, and so do their friends.
Avatar for mom34101
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 01-09-2010 - 11:26am

I'm glad somebody gets this. ;)

We're just the opposite--the school is at a busy intersection of a major street, but no shops or restaurants nearby. OTOH, if she walks home from the bus stop, she walks right through an area with shops and restaurants (mixed in with houses of families we know) all along the way. I don't worry, although I don't let her walk home in the dark (not an issue here).

I don't think my dd is quite ready for the neighborhood coffee shop, but it's right on the way home from the bus stop, so that's where I expect she'll be hanging out with friends eventually. It seems to be quite the hangout here, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
Sat, 01-09-2010 - 11:41am

Well, ds is nearly 15 and he's just beginning to appreciate the idea of hanging out in cafes, so she has a bit of time ;-).

I wish our neighborhood were more busy and full of shops. Heck, I really dream of an apartment somewhere in the city center, but our house was the best compromise dh and I could find between his desire to be somewhere in the middle of remote countryside and my desire to be in the heart of the city. At least we're reasonably close to the center, thank goodness!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2009
Sat, 01-09-2010 - 12:12pm

Our SROs aren't much about keeping outsiders out. They redid all the building this year so that only the front doors are open, and they all queue you through the office before you can even enter the main part of the building, so no one can (withtout trying REALY REALLY HARD) come into contact without kids without being checked in and IDed first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2009
Sat, 01-09-2010 - 12:13pm
agreed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2000
Sat, 01-09-2010 - 12:17pm

Our school (grammar and high school) has a security system so you need to swipe a card to get in and out of the buildings. Visitors have to press a button and get buzzed in by the woman who heads the visitor's desk.
Where I live, "security guards" in the schools are police officers assigned to each school. I'm sure they also have some sort of security system to prevent people from entering, but that isn't the main reason the police officers are at the schools here.

The elementary schools do not have security guards or police officers.

If the schools don't have locked doors, how is one person preventing people from getting in? I imagine there is more than one entrance?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2009
Sat, 01-09-2010 - 3:21pm
Yes our middle schools and probably our hs have those.

In the frequently relevant (to so many debates on Ivillage) words of Inigio Montoya from The Princess Bride "You keep using that

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