The Working Mom and Custody Issues

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Registered: 03-26-2003
The Working Mom and Custody Issues
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Mon, 11-30-2009 - 8:24pm

There was an article in this month's Working mother magazine about wrking mom's losing custody to SAHD's.

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Registered: 06-24-2008
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 9:24am
the king at pancakes on weekends and the supporter of as many things in their lives as i am.



Hey, that's my dh.



to assume kids recognizes who is primary and who is secondary is an insult to smart kids who don't look at it that way.



It's the secondary that's the flaw there. Even my two year olds know who is there all day and who is only sometimes here. They know who to expect will change 95% of the diapers this week. They know who to expect will be getting them up in the morning and who most likely will be giving them a bath and putting them to bed. WIthout ever hearing the word they know I'm the primary caregiver. It does not follow that their dad is "secondary." He's a parenting equal. He can step in and do anything I can do, and sometimes does. He's working hard to provide for their daily needs and their future, even if they don't know that yet they will before too long. He's a consistent person in their lives, they trust him and love him and can count on him too. I doubt they do or will ever view him as "secondary" In terms of parenting, though absolutely there is one person who is primarily doing daily face-to-face parenting and that is me.



If we were to divorce, they might actually expect me to keep doing all those things primarily because that's what has happened so far in their lives up to now. And that's not wrong or bad, it's a reasonable thing to expect. However, the flip side would be that if we were to adjust that caregiver role and upon divorce dh was to become an equal caregiver, that would be fine too. The kids would adjust to our role shift, because dh and I truly are equal parents it would be fine. In another family, if the roles were unequal because the other parent was not as willing or as capable as a caregiver, then it might make more sense to keep it unequal and have the primary caregiver continue as primary. I don't think either approach constitutes some kind of insult to the adults or kids.

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances. " - Viktor Frankl.



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"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
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Registered: 01-15-2006
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 9:27am

Because children are pretty darn smart and can figure out that if one parent is presented in

 

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Registered: 01-15-2006
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 10:53am

I doubt they do or will ever view him as "secondary" In terms of parenting, though absolutely there is one person who is primarily doing daily face-to-face parenting and that is me.


but to add,i don't think my kids recognize primary either.

 

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Registered: 06-24-2008
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 12:13pm
but to add,i don't think my kids recognize primary either. the tasks i'm able to do because i'm AH more happen to just be jobs i have more time to do.



Maybe your kids don't. Would you say that even though you are AH more, your parenting/caregiving is relatively evenly shared? Or is there a really unequally balance between you and the other parent?



My ODD wouldn't recognize primary, because there isn't one primary caregiver for her, most things are shared equally. My younger stepkids, it might depend, they could probably view it either way given how things are divided right now. My oldest stepson, he might see his mom once a week for a 1/2 hour, so that's about as unbalanced as it gets. With my toddlers, things are very uneven and although they don't have words for it, I think they recognize things are very unevenly divided for now, but given dh is an active and involved father, I doubt they will ever see him as "secondary" as though he is less in some way.

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances. " - Viktor Frankl.



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Edited 12/20/2009 1:01 pm ET by harmony08


Edited 12/20/2009 1:08 pm ET by harmony08
"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

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Registered: 04-22-2009
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 1:22pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 2:14pm

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Outside of cooking,

PumpkinAngel

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Registered: 06-27-1998
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 2:15pm

Yes, I agree....I can't imagine not paying an executive for that time, but at least ime, it's simply not defined that way...they are paid regardless of what they are doing with their time.


PumpkinAngel

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Registered: 06-27-1998
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 2:18pm

Oh yea, I agree....I spend just as much time parenting my tween and teen when I am not with them versus when I am with them.

PumpkinAngel

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Registered: 06-27-1998
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 2:31pm

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For me it depends on what I'm doing during those 8 hours.....if we are all home together, most likely not....because we are all doing different things, even though we are all home together.

PumpkinAngel

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Registered: 06-27-1998
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 2:40pm

<< Childcare providers do not care for the childs religious, medical, financial

PumpkinAngel

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