The Working Mom and Custody Issues

Avatar for tickmich
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
The Working Mom and Custody Issues
1693
Mon, 11-30-2009 - 8:24pm

There was an article in this month's Working mother magazine about wrking mom's losing custody to SAHD's.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 2:41pm

I'm not sure if you are agreeing with me or disagreeing...


PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 2:47pm

<<IME parenting isn't about first and second place.

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 2:51pm

That's why I said that I don't think there is a benefit here in the kids knowing that one parent has a primary role and the other doesn't.

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 3:30pm
That's why I said that I don't think there is a benefit here in the kids knowing that one parent has a primary role and the other doesn't.



The kids see it however they see it, nobody is telling what to know about their own parents, or wanting them to know something different than they already do know. That's not the issue. In the OP, the kids "know" dad was AH all day and mom worked, the kids "know" they live with dad more than mom after the divorce, without any terms or words for it at all. No part of calling the dad a primary caregiver changes what the kids know.



The question is whether there is a benefit continuing the same roles post-divorce, that the parents had while they were together. Or the case where the parents were never together, if there is a benefit to having one parent take a primary caregiver role vs. sharing that role equally.

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances. " - Viktor Frankl.



Photobucket
"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

Avatar for mom34101
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 6:41pm

We leave dd1 home unsupervised at times, but we don't leave both of them together yet, and we're not ready to leave them unsupervised after school together or with their friends. That's pretty typical among the parents we know of younger teens/tweens.

We must have a different understanding of "spending time" with our kids since to me that doesn't mean being in the same house with them. My definition of parenting definitely involves interaction--that's why I don't consider myself to be parenting when I'm not actually with them.

Avatar for mom34101
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 6:52pm
Taking care of my kids is a lot less physically demanding now that they're older, but I still spend a lot of time supervising them, driving them to their activities, hosting their friends, etc.

I personally would feel weird saying I'm parenting my kids when I'm not with them, but my definition of parenting is probably just different from yours.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2009
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 7:38pm

There are 100s of things that I consider parenting that don't involve physical care of children: the place we live, the schools we choose, the church we worship, the food we buy, the car we drive, the investments we make, the health care we choose, the books we read, the insurance we have, the entertainment we choose, even the friends with whom we socialize..., etc.

We would make far different choices if we didn't have children. I consider that all part of being a parent, therefore, parenting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 9:06pm

Most of those things are covered by legal custody in a divorce. So parents who generally of sound mind, no matter who was the primary caregiver, get equal legal custody. Meaning both have equal rights to make legal, educational, medical, social, religious and any other major decisions for the children. In that sense, the parents are treated equally no matter who is doing the majority day to day caring for the children at any point.

It's usually only the physical custody that can be impacted by who was the primary caregiver during the marriage. Which makes some sense, since both the concept of primary caregiver and primary custodial parent relate to split of time each parent is physically with the children.

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances. " - Viktor Frankl.



Photobucket
"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

Avatar for mom34101
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 10:18pm
I agree that parenting goes way beyond physical care of a child, but for me, it's more something that happens when you're actually with the child rather than just making choices that affect the child. For example, it's not just choosing a church, it's taking the child to church with you, sharing your religious beliefs with the child on a regular basis, and so forth.
.
Some of our choices would be different if we didn't have kids, but I don't think it would be nearly as dramatic for us as it is for you.
Avatar for mom34101
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 12-20-2009 - 10:26pm
Good point. The decision-making is very important in parenting, but it's different from the kind of parenting I'm talking about, which actually requires the child's presence.

Pages