The Working Mom and Custody Issues

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Registered: 03-26-2003
The Working Mom and Custody Issues
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Mon, 11-30-2009 - 8:24pm

There was an article in this month's Working mother magazine about wrking mom's losing custody to SAHD's.

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Registered: 06-24-2008
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 2:35pm
That's pretty much what my dd does too. Kids are bused, and school gets out at 2:30, so most parents are working then, not hanging around at school. They have less than 10 minutes to get the regular bus, and the late bus leaves at 5, so that would be a long time to hang out unsupervised.



That's about the same schedule as the HS where I am. If my OSS is at the school and has to stay after, but is done at 4pm, he does not like to sit there an hour and wait for the 5pm bus, he'd rather be picked up. There's just nothing to do otherwise. Sometimes he has had to wait, but he would prefer not to. If there is something going on at the school, he's happy to be there, he likes his school.

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances." - Viktor Frankl.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2009
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 3:06pm
Ok. But you asked what the concern would be/what the big deal would be about students hanging around after school, even if they are not in activities. I don't know if kids in my dd's middle school hang out & watch practices that they are not in. My concern would be, if those students who told the parents that they are going to hang out & watch xyz, did so, then at some point left to go do other things, the coach or teacher is not going to ask those kids just hanging out & watching where they are going and if when they are coming back. They are not directly supervising them. I imagine that if they started fighting or some problem on the sidelines of a basketball practice (for instance) the coach or adults would break it up & do something about it. But I do not think they would keep supervising them if they walk out and that's where the problem is. When the parents think they are at one place with xyz people and they instead are somewhere else, doing something else, maybe with other people. At this point my dd has never asked if she could stay and hang out for an activity that is is not involved in. I know a lot is going on, but I would have concerns. If you don't & it works out fine, that's great.

In the frequently relevant (to so many debates on Ivillage) words of Inigio Montoya from The Princess Bride "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

In the frequently relevant (to so many debates on Ivillage) words of Inigio Montoya from The Princess Bride "You keep using that

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 3:21pm
I'm not sure I agree....I think while working to protect my sons, I also think it's my responsibility to teach them to not only protect themselves but respect and guard the boundaries of others, including their girlfriends, wives and etc whenever they have any.



Well this is why I'd have the same rules for sons and daughters who are in a relationship with someone else. I want my sons to treat their girlfriends the way I hope my daughters are treated by their boyfriends (assuming they are heterosexual for the sake of debate). Since it's about my sons with a girl and my daughters with a boy, there is a mutual thing going on there, some differences based on consequences each gender would experience, but overall the level of concern is about the same. I know I will worry about my dd's when they become sexually active, and I think that will about mirror what I see my dh going through now with his oldest teenage son - worry, concern, talking, thinking, setting some reasonable rules, followed by hoping for the child to make good choices.



However, when it comes to being okay with my dd walking somewhere alone, there is not a mutual thing going on there like there is in a relationship. I can't influence potential sexual offenders (whether they are people dd knows or strangers, I don't know who they are). I can't make them not pick my dd. I can't influence how or that they choose women at a higher rate than men. The fact is, women are victims of sexual assault more, girls are more likely to be abducted, therefore I worry more, and will be more hesitant with my dd's, simply because the risk is higher. It doesn't mean my dd's will never walk anywhere alone and my son will always be able to do so, it doesn't mean I will avoid teaching my son about safety and be unreasonable when it comes to my dd's, and it's not about discrimination. It just means I recognize that girls are more vulnerable to sexual assault than boys are and I when I make decisions I consider that fact.



It's the same thing that causes dh to worry about me being home alone when he is out of town, while I wouldn't worry one bit about him home alone if I was out of town. We recently got a large dog with a big nasty bark in part for that reason, because burglars are less likely to break into a home with a dog. If dh and I worry more about me being vulnerable than him, it makes sense we would do that when it comes to our children. Other families may approach it differently, but I think my approach is reasonable.

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances." - Viktor Frankl.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 4:40pm

<<As long as it fits with school policy I don't have a problem with it (my teenage stepkids are allowed to do things unsupervised, within reason). >>


That's my thought as well and if a parent wants to have a stricter policy than the schools and require a student go home directly after school, there isn't a problem with that either....my teen is increasingly becoming more and more independent as each year passes and honestly, I'm not really seeing the issue either.


For my son, it's not so much a need...but a want, he enjoys the time after school hanging with his friends, it's nice innocent fun and frankly I would rather have him at school where I know there are teachers, school staff and often parents about then home alone....but that is just my preference only.


PumpkinAngel

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Registered: 06-27-1998
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 4:49pm

No, there is not direct supervision of these kids from middle-high school who are on the school grounds in the afternoon, unless they are involved in an activity....these kids aren't leaving school grounds, they are simply going from the commons to the fields and back.

PumpkinAngel

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Registered: 06-27-1998
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 4:51pm

So you believe in a double standard?


PumpkinAngel

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Registered: 06-24-2008
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 5:01pm
For my son, it's not so much a need...but a want, he enjoys the time after school hanging with his friends, it's nice innocent fun and frankly I would rather have him at school where I know there are teachers, school staff and often parents about then home alone....but that is just my preference only.



I can see that. In my case the supervision would be better at home, and all the friends go home on the same bus so that's where the "want" is.

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances." - Viktor Frankl.



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Ten Rules for Being Human
"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

Avatar for mom34101
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 5:06pm

Going outside is in the commons? The gym is in the commons? Halls are locked off, but they can go anywhere but some halls that are locked off? That's nothing like our school. Kids have to be in a supervised activity. That means in a room with a teacher. If your kids aren't required to be in a room with a teacher, it's not the same, no mater how long a post you write.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 5:13pm
So you believe in a double standard?



I don't think that it's about that from a parenting standpoint. A double standard is unjust, and gives one group more options or privileges. I'm not talking about doing something "unjust" for my daughters, nor would I remove options or privileges. I would have to work harder to provide them the same options and privileges and also keep them equally safe. It requires more work for me, on my part, to address the higher risk my dd's face while still keeping things fair and reasonable for them.



It's not a double standard that women are more susceptible to breast cancer. You could argue rapists create a double standard by the fact more men are rapists and more women are victims. I may react to double standards to compensate for them, but that's not a double standard on my part, it's fixing/preventing it.

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances." - Viktor Frankl.



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Edited 1/8/2010 5:15 pm ET by harmony08
"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

Avatar for mom34101
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 5:21pm

Nice cutting and pasting, but I said I *didn't* consider just having teachers in the building while kids are hanging out in unsupervised areas a limited form of supervision. Please stop trying to put words in my mouth.

But finally, we agree on something There *is* more supervision at my dd's school. I don't know why you think a security guard telling a kid she can't wait for the bus by herself outside when it's cold and dark is a "lockdown," but the fact that you do says a lot about the difference in what you're comfortable with and what I'm comfortable with.

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