Would you have had kids if you couldn't

Avatar for cindytree
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Would you have had kids if you couldn't
1589
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 3:31pm
Would you still have had children if you knew you might not be able to pay for their college education? I'm not talking about providing food and shelter and needs of minor children and paying bills in general. Just about paying their way through college.

I guess I'm still astounded at the attitude that surfaced at another thread implying that if they couldn't pay for college, they wouldn't have had children. Of course, I'm a lazy, selfish mom at home who isn't working while some of my kids are in school so maybe my opinion doesn't count. Maybe I SHOULD take up scrapbooking to make my existence more worthwhile! lol

In any case, it is an interesting question considering that, under that reasoning, Oprah Winfrey shouldn't have been born. Give me time and I can come up with a whole list of highly successful and respected people who have impacted us in positive ways that wouldn't have been born had their parents decided that because they couldn't pay for college, they wouldn't have children.

How has the college issue influenced your decision to have children, if at all? Do you think it is an important criteria in the decision?

Cindy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 10:55am
That marrying him when she did, at a young age, was the right decision.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 10:57am
Part of your theory here seems to be that if you are meant to be, then you'll be together 5 hrs from now and can get married then. But, if its meant to be, then just do it. If its meant to be, waiting doesn't make it more so.

I can't really express how I want to say this, so I don't know if you'll really get my meaning ...

Hollie

Avatar for val10154
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Registered: 06-26-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 11:00am
>>>>I would have never stuck by my husband, through all we have been through, if we were only dating. NEVER. But marriage is a commitment, and you stick through those bad things, whether you enjoy them or not. If you are married, you find ways to get through the bad stuff; you find ways to still love that person, even when they are being an idiot. And you work with that person to get through the rough times, and keep your relationship strong. Dating? FORGET IT! I would never, ever work so hard at a "dating" relationship. My husband and I would be LONG over if we had only dated, rather than marrying.>>>>

WOW!!! I haven't read through all the responses to this statement yet, only a few, but this is a pretty harsh thing to say, IMO. I think basically when it comes to marriage, there are 2 different views (and yes, I'm sure there are some in between.) There are some people who think marriage is everything, meaning the moment you're married, there's a certain type of *higher* commitment there. Then there are the people who may think marriage is nothing but a piece of paper, meaning that the commitment should be there whether or not you're married. The marriage has nothing to do w/ the commitment. I'm one of those people. My SO & I have been together for 4 1/2 yrs. & although we're not married, we live a married life, meaning nothing would change once we got married. I don't feel our relationship is less significant just b/c we're not married. If anything, the marriages that some of my friends have are insignificant. They cheat left & right, could care less about their spouse, etc. I even had a friend of mine who's married & who cheats on his wife ALL THE TIME say to me, "Wow, you sure are faithful for someone who's not even married!" I just ignored that ridiculous statement. I really do get tired of people not taking our relationship seriously just b/c we're not married, but I know that there are people who think it's all about the piece of paper & that piece of paper changes everything. I know that if something ever happened to him, hell yeah, I'd be by his side every step of the way. Just b/c we're not married, it would be okay for me to want to deal w/ his hardships?? No way! I know if something were ever to happen to me & he said, "We're not married, so I have no obligation to be by your side, so I'm leaving you.", I think I'd hate him for the rest of my life!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 11:01am
I think that there can be 18yos that are MORE emotionally mature than others. But an 18yo, by sheer lack of age and experience, is not going to have the emotional maturity of an adult.

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 11:03am
Thats exactly what I was trying to say.

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 11:10am
Me too! S.V.
Avatar for val10154
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 11:11am
>>>>there is still an "out" option. I don't see that in marriage, except in limited circumstances.>>>>

You don't see an "out" option in marriage? Isn't that what divorce is for? Why should divorce only be used in limited circumstances? What are those limited circumstances? So, there are circumstances that if you're not married, it's ok to break up, but if you are married, it's not okay to get a divorce??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 11:11am
I just cannot imagine being complacent about the thought of my child marrying at 18. Even if it worked out for you, it amazes me that you wouldnt want more for your own children. Because chances are SO much higher that they WILL divorce if they marry at 18. And while I know you will *say* that you arent necessarily condoning them marrying young, by your attitude you are definitely sending them the message that its perfectly acceptable to you.

Like I said in a post above, I just want more for my children than that. There is always a chance of divorce, you never know what can happen, but I would want them to at least be going into it with the experience, education, and emotional reasoning to have a decent chance. I wouldnt want them going into marriage, which already has high odds of not lasting, with ALL the odds stacked against them.

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 11:28am
And isn't everyone's interpretation of "having it all" a little different?

While I love to travel abroad I have a neighbor who could go at the drop of a hat and spend all of spring in Paris. She has never been, has no desire to go, even thinks that going just to be going because she can would be a valid waste of money for her. She'd rather use that money for something she does really want.

Is she mediocre because she doesn't want to travel abroad? I don't think so at all!

I have a friend who is happy in her little cottage out on the farm but that isn't what would make me happy. Does that mean she is "settling" for less? No. It isn't less for her and her wants and needs in life.

S.V.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 11:44am
I wonder how pissed off your husband would be to find out that had you not gotten married right away that you said you most likely would not have stayed with him.

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