Would you have had kids if you couldn't

Avatar for cindytree
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Would you have had kids if you couldn't
1589
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 3:31pm
Would you still have had children if you knew you might not be able to pay for their college education? I'm not talking about providing food and shelter and needs of minor children and paying bills in general. Just about paying their way through college.

I guess I'm still astounded at the attitude that surfaced at another thread implying that if they couldn't pay for college, they wouldn't have had children. Of course, I'm a lazy, selfish mom at home who isn't working while some of my kids are in school so maybe my opinion doesn't count. Maybe I SHOULD take up scrapbooking to make my existence more worthwhile! lol

In any case, it is an interesting question considering that, under that reasoning, Oprah Winfrey shouldn't have been born. Give me time and I can come up with a whole list of highly successful and respected people who have impacted us in positive ways that wouldn't have been born had their parents decided that because they couldn't pay for college, they wouldn't have children.

How has the college issue influenced your decision to have children, if at all? Do you think it is an important criteria in the decision?

Cindy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 11:46am
That's right, because they were married. I don't know why she's so upset, SHE's the one who said she wouldn't have stayed with him if they hadn't been married, not me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 11:46am
You are right, a lot does have to do with ones vision of what marriage is. I view it as the utmost committment. I don't view a relationship without that committment (the marriage), as commited a relationship. At least not for me. To me, a marriage is a joining of two people for LIFE, except in the most extreme of circumstances. Living together, being boyfriend/girlfriend, being engaged, I do not view those as the same things.

To go further with my statement of whether I would still have married my husband after 5 years (assuming his health deteriorated the way it did), I stand by my earlier statment that I probably wouldn't have married him. For one, I would never have had children with him if I had known what disabilities were to come. And I surely wouldn't have kids with him after the fact that they are already here. That is a BIG reason I wouldn't have married him if we had waited 5 years. Kids are too important to me to choose a marriage that would ensure I would never have them.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 11:50am
EXCUSE ME? I had mommy and daddy? I don't think so, I never had to live paycheck to paycheck because I was able to get a great, well paying job after I graduated, and was smart enough to save to buy my first home at 21. I'm the one who worked like a dog at 13 in the tobacco fields, remember?

Mommy and daddy did not give me money or support me. They paid for my college, but nothing more. Talk about being nasty, I could have come up with a sarcastic comeback to your reasons for not running, but thought better of it.


Edited 9/15/2003 11:57:39 AM ET by islimshady

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 11:51am
>>>You don't see an "out" option in marriage? Isn't that what divorce is for? Why should divorce only be used in limited circumstances? What are those limited circumstances? So, there are circumstances that if you're not married, it's ok to break up, but if you are married, it's not okay to get a divorce??<<<

No, I don't think it is okay to divorce just because you "aren't in love" or "can't get along". Those things are fixable, IMO. My personal opinion, there are very few things that would warrant me divorcing my husband, and depending on the circumstances, those things might not even warrant it. Some I can think of:

* physical/emotional/verbal abuse, though it has happened to me, which is why I left my husband at one time.

* infidelity, which depending on the circumstances CAN be worked through.

* Addiction, which I would be very hesitant to put up with, regardless of the circumstances.

* Criminal behavior, which again, depending on the circumstances CAN be worked through.


My opinion is that marriage is a commitment to a lifelong relationship. living together, dating, being engaged is not.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 11:56am
He knows! To be honest, he cannot understand why I have stayed, even with us being married!!! He KNOWS what I have been through. He KNOWS how hard it has been. And he KNOWS that most of it has been on ME! *I* have been the one picking up all the pieces of our life and keeping them together!

Had we waited 5 years (or 7, like you) to get married, he would have already been disabled, both physically and psychologically. I would not have chosen to have children with him after that point. And as much as I love children, I would not have entered into a marriage that ensured I would not be able to have them. Further, I would not have entered into a marriage KNOWING 100% well that it was going to be filled with the strife that comes with my husbands illnesses. There is a BIG difference between dealing with them as they come along, and making a CHOICE to go into a marriage knowing they are 100% there and going to be there, every day of your life. Especially if children are going to be involved.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

Avatar for val10154
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 11:56am
>>>>You are right, a lot does have to do with ones vision of what marriage is. I view it as the utmost committment. I don't view a relationship without that committment (the marriage), as commited a relationship.>>>>

I can totally agree to disagree. I already know that most people feel this way anyway. However, are you saying that the people I know who cheat on their spouses whenever they get the chance are more comitted than me and my SO? Also, wouldn't it also depend on the reasons for getting married? As we all know people don't always get married for love. I have a co-worker who just got engaged & I was surprised b/c he didn't seem like that type of guy. He seemed like a playboy. LOL Anyway, another co-worker told me that he told her (I know, I know, workplace gossip) that he's only getting married to please his family b/c they keep pressuring him to get married. Are you saying that once he's married, his relationship will be more of a commitment than my relationship? I understand what you're saying, about how you feel that marriage is of the utmost commitment, but to say that anyone who's married has more of a commitment to their relationship than anyone who's not married is really unfair to say, especially considering it's not true.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 11:59am
No, I don't believe everyone gets married for the right reasons. And I don't believe everyone who marrys has the right level of committment. But that really has nothing to do with the level of committment in my marriage, or the reasons I got married. I do agree with you, though, people have some really screwed up ideas of committment and marriage, and I find that sad. And I can also agree to politely disagree with you about our beliefs on the committment/marriage relationship. :)

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

Avatar for val10154
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 12:00pm
>>>>No, I don't think it is okay to divorce just because you "aren't in love" or "can't get along". Those things are fixable, IMO.>>>>

So if a married couple isn't getting along & are fighting ALL THE TIME, and this has been going on for YEARS, DESPITE the fact that they've even tried fixing it by going to counseling, and they're both miserable, they shouldn't get a divorce???? It is possible to fall out of love w/ the person you're married to. It is possible for it to turn out that the person you married isn't really the one you were meant to spend the rest of your life with & I think being miserable & unhappy for years is an indicator of this.

Avatar for val10154
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 12:02pm
Ok, cool. LOL

I just HATE it when people look down upon my relationship and don't consider it important just b/c we're not married. Arrrggghhh!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 12:04pm
I have fallen out of love with my husband. Though, it is a little different than most people, as my husband isn't really the person he was when we married. We aren't talking about just changes a person normally goes through, but he is TOTALLY not the same person, due to his mental illnesses. But I am committed to him, and was commited to our marriage, so I worked hard to find the things I love about the new him. And I very much am in love with the new him.

People CAN make unhappy marriages happy again, if they are both willing to do so. Unfortunately, most people aren't. And then, there are people who are, whose spouses decide they don't want to work at it, and I believe that is a valid reason to walk. But I don't buy the "both parties want to make it work, but they can't". I have never seen it, and I just don't buy it.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

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