Would you have had kids if you couldn't

Avatar for cindytree
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Would you have had kids if you couldn't
1589
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 3:31pm
Would you still have had children if you knew you might not be able to pay for their college education? I'm not talking about providing food and shelter and needs of minor children and paying bills in general. Just about paying their way through college.

I guess I'm still astounded at the attitude that surfaced at another thread implying that if they couldn't pay for college, they wouldn't have had children. Of course, I'm a lazy, selfish mom at home who isn't working while some of my kids are in school so maybe my opinion doesn't count. Maybe I SHOULD take up scrapbooking to make my existence more worthwhile! lol

In any case, it is an interesting question considering that, under that reasoning, Oprah Winfrey shouldn't have been born. Give me time and I can come up with a whole list of highly successful and respected people who have impacted us in positive ways that wouldn't have been born had their parents decided that because they couldn't pay for college, they wouldn't have children.

How has the college issue influenced your decision to have children, if at all? Do you think it is an important criteria in the decision?

Cindy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 12:11am
No, my question is, do YOU think it was fair FOR her? All the hardship YOU went through as a family, is that what YOU envisioned as a parent? You cannot ask a child such a question, of course she is thankful you had her. That isnt what I am saying. An 18yo isnt at the emotional level to even comprehend what parenthood really means and what kind of responsibility being a parent and being married involves. At least an older person has *some* grasp of it-although none of us really understands until we have a child, regardless of age. But at least someone who waits until they can financially and emotionally work on a marriage and support a family has that 50 percent chance of making it. An 18 yo getting married just increases those divorce odds SO much. And that ISNT fair. To anyone.

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

Avatar for virgogirl914
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 12:12am
The irony is that marrying young isn't the choice I would make for my children. . .BUT it's not MY choice to make. . .it's their choice.

And as such, it is a valid choice in that it isn't illegal, immoral, or unethical.

It may not be what you OR I want. . .but it isn't about what *I* want.

My mother didn't want me to marry my husband for a number of reasons. . .and she's spent 13 years making our lives miserable over it. . .and in the process making maintaining a relationship with her VERY hard. . .but for the sake of my kids I continue to try.

THAT experience colors my perceptions. . .*I* won't try to talk my kids out of it. . hopefully they'll be aware enough to realize before making the decisions what the implications are of their decisions, but if not. . .I'll not make the decisions any harder for them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 12:14am
I never said it was universally true. Get a life and take some remedial reading courses. Your posts irritate me beyond belief-all of 'em. You remind me of some other long lost posters....gee, could it be the SAME person?

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

Avatar for virgogirl914
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 12:15am
No, our early challenges aren't what I envisioned. . .but I also never envisioned myself as a military wife either. . .but here I am. . .a damn fine one.

Many would say that the choice dh and I make to stay in the military isn't 'fair' to the kids. . .but it is still a valid choice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 12:15am
I dont agree with that either, fwiw.

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

Avatar for virgogirl914
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 12:18am
Interesting phrase you used. . .'hard bed'. . .my mother used the same phrase on me. . ."You made your bed, now you lie in it". . .and refused to come to my wedding. . .barely speaks to my husband. . .

Interestingly enough. . .She remarried the summer before I married. . .she divorced him within 4 years and now is on husband #3. . .and she's 53.

*I* am more emotionally mature than she is. . .and she's MY mother.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 12:21am
WHAT!?!

I don't need reading courses to understand how down you are on those of us who choose to marry at 18 even when we can actually sit here 10, 15 years later and tell you that there are cases (I'm living it) where we are very happy and we are not struggling (marital wise or financial wise).

What is your problem? Are you down on those who actually (gasp!) choose not to go to college? Yes, it was a choice not to go. Not because I married at 18. Not because I had children (didn't until I was over 30). Not because of finance (my parent's were going to pay for it in full even if I were married, they offered over & over, I declined. But my husband, who was 19 when we married, is a college grad).

Is it so hard to believe women can marry at such a young age and have it "all" in life?

Edited 9/16/2003 12:26:02 AM ET by gardenandhome


Edited 9/16/2003 12:38:42 AM ET by gardenandhome

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 12:29am
I just wanted to say after reading through this thread how great I think it is that you are who you are. Your choices have been valid ones and they are not wrong.

We cannot help it if someone thinks that marrying at 18 is wrong. It works for us.

Some people just get their panties in a wad over stuff.

S.V.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 12:38am
And again, I never said it was universally true. If you marry at 18, you have about a 10 percent chance of making it. Congrats to you.

I am down on the notion of talking it up like its a good choice for an 18yo. Not where I live, not for my children.

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 12:39am
We will just have to go the route of agreeing to disagree.

S.V.

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