Would you have had kids if you couldn't

Avatar for cindytree
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Would you have had kids if you couldn't
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Wed, 09-03-2003 - 3:31pm
Would you still have had children if you knew you might not be able to pay for their college education? I'm not talking about providing food and shelter and needs of minor children and paying bills in general. Just about paying their way through college.

I guess I'm still astounded at the attitude that surfaced at another thread implying that if they couldn't pay for college, they wouldn't have had children. Of course, I'm a lazy, selfish mom at home who isn't working while some of my kids are in school so maybe my opinion doesn't count. Maybe I SHOULD take up scrapbooking to make my existence more worthwhile! lol

In any case, it is an interesting question considering that, under that reasoning, Oprah Winfrey shouldn't have been born. Give me time and I can come up with a whole list of highly successful and respected people who have impacted us in positive ways that wouldn't have been born had their parents decided that because they couldn't pay for college, they wouldn't have children.

How has the college issue influenced your decision to have children, if at all? Do you think it is an important criteria in the decision?

Cindy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 12:42am
You are projecting your anger at your mother onto me. Thats unfair, because I did say that I would ultimately support my children's decision. I'm not your mother.

It IS a hard bed, even with your positive outcome, you KNOW that. My entire point has been that (unlike gardenhome and oksmommy) I'm not going offer it up as an OPTION for my 18yo dd. *Gee honey, lets see, you can go to college, you can get a job, you could join the military, or OH-you could get MARRIED!!*

I have flat out told my dd *I dont want you to get married too young*. She knows how I feel about it. Now, if it happened (say if she got pg and insisted on marrying the guy) I'm not going to throw a fit and not support her. But I would be very sad over it.

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

Avatar for virgogirl914
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 12:56am
I'm not projecting anger. . .I'm illustrating that age, in and of itself, isn't a predictor of emotional maturity.

Also, being 'very sad' over another's decision is a baby step away from the judgement and guilt that have been put on me for years by my mother.

I am curious, however, as to which options you will present your child with at 18. . .Is going to college the only one? If so, that's not an option, that's an order.

Also, I don't think any of us plan on saying "Gee honey, lets see, you can go to college, you can get a job, you could join the military, or OH-you could get MARRIED!!", but again. . .if that is what my child chooses, then I will see it as a valid choice. . .not necessarily what *I* would have chosen, but a valid choice none the less.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 1:03am
Again, the only hardships my kids have faced have had nothing to do with my marrying at 18 years old. Not everyone fits your mold of incompetant at the age of 18.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 1:04am
Yes, it was a charming picture, for me. And you have issue with it....why?

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 1:05am
Did I say going to college was the only option? Nope. Not at all. My children can do many different things. I'm not sure how my dd will be as far as college-she isnt super academically inclined at this point in time. She could join the peace corps, the military, go to jr college or travel abroad for a year. She could even just get a job and an apartment if thats what she wanted.

Again, you are projecting. I never said I was going to order my children to do anything. And how could I NOT be sad if she shortened her options so immensely by marrying SO young? Being sad over her decision, while still supporting her, is TOTALLY different than putting guilt on someone. You have problems with your mother-those are your issues. Those arent issues between my dd and myself.

I honestly doubt my dd will even see getting married at 18 as something to consider. She is the product of a young relationship and has suffered from it firsthand. And every single person in my family, while being very supportive overall, would be upset over the thought of her marrying at 18. That doesnt mean we couldnt accept it. But it would be akin to her dropping out of high school, imo. Just about as bad anyway.

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 1:08am
Again, you are speaking in absolutes!!! THIS is what I have issue with!

>>>An 18yo isnt at the emotional level to even comprehend what parenthood really means and what kind of responsibility being a parent and being married involves. At least an older person has *some* grasp of it-although none of us really understands until we have a child, regardless of age. But at least someone who waits until they can financially and emotionally work on a marriage and support a family has that 50 percent chance of making it. An 18 yo getting married just increases those divorce odds SO much. And that ISNT fair. To anyone.<<<

This is not true for ALL 18 years olds!!!

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 1:10am
Did ya miss the thousand times I wrote that I REALIZE not everyone *fits the mold*. Stop taking it so personally and clue in that I am speaking in GENERAL terms.

Generally speaking, it is a bad idea for an 18yo to get married. Young marriages have a MUCH higher divorce rate than the average 50 percent. Young marriages are much more likely to be poverty stricken and young couples who marry are much more likely to be uneducated.

You have made it clear that you wouldnt be the slightest bit concerned if your children married at 18. I would. That doesnt mean I dont know that there are those of you out there who have *beat the odds*. But those odds are EXTREMELY high.

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 1:11am
Nope, for a small percent, it isnt true. You are right. I should have said *about NINETY PERCENT of 18yos are not emotionally mature enough...* sound better?

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 1:12am
beating those odds are people who WERE ready and able and willing to commit to their marriages. It isn't all about odds and rolling the dice!

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

Avatar for virgogirl914
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 1:20am
Again, the irony is that I didn't have issues with my mother until I dared to make decisions that made her sad. . .that she wouldn't have made.

Exactly what 'good' would come of being sad over the situation. . .that's what I don't understand.

I wasn't 'happy' over being pregnant when I wasn't expecting to be. . .but you get past it. . .being 'sad' does no 'good'.

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