Would you have had kids if you couldn't

Avatar for cindytree
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Would you have had kids if you couldn't
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Wed, 09-03-2003 - 3:31pm
Would you still have had children if you knew you might not be able to pay for their college education? I'm not talking about providing food and shelter and needs of minor children and paying bills in general. Just about paying their way through college.

I guess I'm still astounded at the attitude that surfaced at another thread implying that if they couldn't pay for college, they wouldn't have had children. Of course, I'm a lazy, selfish mom at home who isn't working while some of my kids are in school so maybe my opinion doesn't count. Maybe I SHOULD take up scrapbooking to make my existence more worthwhile! lol

In any case, it is an interesting question considering that, under that reasoning, Oprah Winfrey shouldn't have been born. Give me time and I can come up with a whole list of highly successful and respected people who have impacted us in positive ways that wouldn't have been born had their parents decided that because they couldn't pay for college, they wouldn't have children.

How has the college issue influenced your decision to have children, if at all? Do you think it is an important criteria in the decision?

Cindy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 8:31am
OK, I know we live in a litigious society, but I can't wait to see what happens when the kid sues his parents over college money they won't give to him.

I hate to break this to you, and as much as I'm a huge proponent of parents footing the bill for their kids college, it isn't against the law NOT to pay your kids tuition.


Edited 9/9/2003 9:07:57 AM ET by islimshady

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 8:32am
Getting married at 18 does NOT indicate that one is stupid! Many people have married at 18, and many of them have made it work, myself included. Just because it isn't a lifestyle YOU have made doesn't make it a "stupid" thing that only a "dummy" would do. Get your head out of the clouds!

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 8:42am
How exactly would it be blackmail to refuse to pay for something that one does not have a legal obligation to pay?

Yes, supporting a minor is the law and someone can be legally forced to do so but with the exception of court ordered spousal support no one has an obligation to support another adult.

While I do not agree in using money as a way of punishment, the only one I really have control over is myself and that includes deciding how to spend my money.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 9:15am
NO, YOU get YOUR head out of the clouds. Statistics AND common sense shows that people who marry young are overwhelmingly more likely to have their marriages fail (Yeah ok, I expect to see the flood of exceptions come my way, heck I even know of a couple I went to high school with who are still married) regardless, it's not a smart thing to do.

If love is really true, what's the rush? Why not wait a few years so the couple can mature, get educated, get a decent or better job?

It's stupid, and the person who told me that more than enyone else is my mom, who herself married at 17 and as she tells it, made the single worse decision of her life. She admits that she was young and dumb.

Yep, it's stupid, stupid STUPID!

Give me one good reason why a person shouldn't wait a few years? And don't give me the lame "They're in love" excuse. If they're really in love it will last a few more years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 9:18am
OK, I just read where you got married at 18. What will you advise your children to do? Is it fine with you that they marry at 18, or will you tell them to wait longer?

I know my mom drilled it into our heads to not make the same mistake she did.

Avatar for virgogirl914
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 9:30am
Again. . .my husband is intelligent. . .had a good head on his shoulders. . .and is/was a responsible kid.

If you had asked my mother-in-law if HER son (at 14) were going to marry at 18. . .she'd have laughed you out of town. . .then followed it with basically the same line you used. "I don't raise dummies."

And yet it happened.

Is it(marrying young) what we think is ideal for others or for our children. . .no, not necessarily. . .but that doesn't make him (or me) stupid. . . .just in love and determined to make our family a success.

Avatar for virgogirl914
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 9:38am
See, the difference is that your mother saw her MARRIAGE as a mistake. . .

I don't (though I was 21 and dh was 18 when we married) see my MARRIAGE as a mistake.

The TIMING of our marriage placed additional strain on the two of us. . .but we've made it through the good times and the bad times. I've talked quite candidly with my oldest daughter (the other children are too young to understand) about the additional strain. . .and our determination.

Three of the women I love most in this world married at 18. . .my mother and both of my grandmothers. One grandmother will have been married 63 years on Sunday (ironically, my birthday). . .she has alzheimers, but loved her husband all her days. . .and he is equally devoted to her.

Another grandmother was married 45 years at the time of her husband's death.

My mother was married nearly 20 years when she and my father divorced, due partly to the impact of untreated depression on our family and their relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 9:45am
I have 3 questions for you.


1. How long have you been married?

2. Would you advise your children to get married at 18, or will you advise them that it's best to wait awhile longer?

3. Would it disappoint you if your children married at 18 rather than pursued their educations?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 9:49am
"The TIMING of our marriage placed additional strain on the two of us. . .but we've made it through the good times and the bad times. I've talked quite candidly with my oldest daughter (the other children are too young to understand) about the additional strain. . .and our determination."

This is what my mom, and I, are hoping to avoid for our kids. Marriage is tough enough without the extra stresses an early marriage presents. If the couple is not so determined as you are/where, there is little chance for survival. Why not wait until you're better prepared financially, emotionally, career wise and educationally?

So I'll ask you, WHY did you get married so young? Why wasn't waiting an option?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 9:50am
BUT it is against the law to do what you just said.. it's called extortion. and it's illegal.

TwinsMom

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