Would you have had kids if you couldn't

Avatar for cindytree
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Would you have had kids if you couldn't
1589
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 3:31pm
Would you still have had children if you knew you might not be able to pay for their college education? I'm not talking about providing food and shelter and needs of minor children and paying bills in general. Just about paying their way through college.

I guess I'm still astounded at the attitude that surfaced at another thread implying that if they couldn't pay for college, they wouldn't have had children. Of course, I'm a lazy, selfish mom at home who isn't working while some of my kids are in school so maybe my opinion doesn't count. Maybe I SHOULD take up scrapbooking to make my existence more worthwhile! lol

In any case, it is an interesting question considering that, under that reasoning, Oprah Winfrey shouldn't have been born. Give me time and I can come up with a whole list of highly successful and respected people who have impacted us in positive ways that wouldn't have been born had their parents decided that because they couldn't pay for college, they wouldn't have children.

How has the college issue influenced your decision to have children, if at all? Do you think it is an important criteria in the decision?

Cindy

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Avatar for virgogirl914
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 10:45am
I didn't become pregnant until AFTER he turned his back on those 'other options'. . .and we explored still pursuing those other options AFTER we married. . .he wanted to join the military.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 11:02am
Here's the part I really disagree with ...

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Why can't you become mature, become educated and have a decent job WHILE you are married? Marriage doesn't have to preclude any of that from happening.

Hollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 11:04am
Oh, I'm sure there'd be a lawyer who'd take the case . . . they're taking them for more ludicrous situations (i.e. obese people suing McDonalds).

You're right though, it wouldn't get past a judge with half a brain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 11:04am
Question 3 is ripe with stochaticism. It implies that if you marry at 18, you won't pursue an education. Many marry AND get a college education.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 11:07am
Well, geesh, do you think you know Virgo's husband better than SHE does?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 11:11am
>>Why can't you become mature, become educated and have a decent job WHILE you are married? Marriage doesn't have to preclude any of that from happening.<<

You absolutely can!

However, shouldn't you be at *some* level of maturity when you do get married? Financially, emotionally? I think if you're 18, you still have a LOT of growing up to do. I look at myself when I was 18 (and who I was dating at the time - yikes!) and I am *so* glad that I waited.

If you get married that young (i.e. 18), and THEN mature - it's likely that you'll become a very different person in the process. Different than you were when you got married. That's where I think some young marriages run into trouble . . . the wife and/or husband mature and go in different directions (b/c most people do a lot of changing in their 20s).

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 11:13am
Surprise slim! I agree with you on this WHOLE subthread!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 11:30am
Because, and I think this goes for Virgo as well, given the posts I've seen out of her, my confidence in my son isn't based in the same thing yours appears to be (appears, based on the posts *you've* written here).

From what you've posted on this subject, you base your trust on the fact that you believe your child would never choose differently from what you approve of and exactly how you would order your life. In other words, you have passed on an exact blueprint of your values to your child and you expect him to mirror them exactly in conclusion as well as process.

My trust in my child is NOT based on his ultimate decision but in how he comes to having made it. I know from having raised him and watched hiim work through other decisions he's made, that he makes decisions deliberately, with a good deal of thought and with analysis of the pros and cons. This does NOT mean he always chooses as I would have him choose. (Case in point, choosing to work fulltime and only go to school part time.) But I know HOW he made that decision and WHY he made that decision and I am comfortable with his processes. He didn't choose the path I would have had him choose...but I am not disappointed that he chose a way that will take longer. he made the decision that was right for HIM; and he didn't allow the fact that most people do it the other way stop him from choosing what was right for HIM.

it is enough for me to know that John does not make important decisions impulsively or lightly. It is enough for me to know that John weighs the pros and cons carefully, even if he weighs those advantages or disadvantages less or heavier than I would weigh them. It is also enough for me to know that if I have serious reservations about a decision he's about to make, he will hear me out. He may not change his mind; sometimes he does, sometimes not. But he will LISTEN.

I don't need his outcome to match what my outcome would have been. And a different choice from him is NOT cause for disappointment by me, UNLESS I believe his decision has been made impulsively, without thought or without regard to the consequences if the choice is a wrong one. It's like math; he gets credit for how he came to his answer, even if I think the answer is "wrong." My philosophy isn't one of absolutes. there is room within it for choosing different levels of grey; and I don't get the impression that yours is as flexible.

So, no, you probably WON'T understand the attitude because your entire philosophy is so differently focussed and directed.

Avatar for tickmich
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 11:32am
Yes, you can marry young and still get an education. They key I believe is if possible to wait to have children until later. We have friends who married young but then waited several years to have children until they are financially established
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 11:39am
Legally, I think blackmail only counts if you're trying to get your CHILD to give up HIS assets to YOU. It's totally legal to withhold your OWN assets from others; even your grown child.

While I don't agree with the ethics of making such conditions on college tuition, I can't agree that it's illegal. I think you're REALLY stretching to make a point, and didn't succeed.

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