Would you have had kids if you couldn't

Avatar for cindytree
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Registered: 03-28-2003
Would you have had kids if you couldn't
1589
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 3:31pm
Would you still have had children if you knew you might not be able to pay for their college education? I'm not talking about providing food and shelter and needs of minor children and paying bills in general. Just about paying their way through college.

I guess I'm still astounded at the attitude that surfaced at another thread implying that if they couldn't pay for college, they wouldn't have had children. Of course, I'm a lazy, selfish mom at home who isn't working while some of my kids are in school so maybe my opinion doesn't count. Maybe I SHOULD take up scrapbooking to make my existence more worthwhile! lol

In any case, it is an interesting question considering that, under that reasoning, Oprah Winfrey shouldn't have been born. Give me time and I can come up with a whole list of highly successful and respected people who have impacted us in positive ways that wouldn't have been born had their parents decided that because they couldn't pay for college, they wouldn't have children.

How has the college issue influenced your decision to have children, if at all? Do you think it is an important criteria in the decision?

Cindy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 10:07pm
But that same decision would be difficult even if didn't marry young. A 45yo that wants to move to pursue a PhD doesn't have an easier time with that decision than does a 25yo.
Avatar for virgogirl914
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 10:14pm
that's the oddest thing I've ever seen you 'type'. . .what does age of marriage have to do with the ability to commit to another person?

WIth doing the right thing?

Avatar for virgogirl914
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 10:20pm
I'm guessing that P&J's contention is that the 25 year old COULD do it without making a decision that would impact a whole family.

My take on it is that the 45 year old may be able to make the same decision without making a decision that would impact a whole family too. . .if their children were born earlier in their life.

My best friend turns 37 tomorrow. Her children are 18 and 15. In 3 years (when she's 40) her kids will ostensibly be 'on their own'. . .and she plans to pursue her PhD then. She sought her BS and her Masters while they were younger, but has a PhD program in mind that's in another area. At 40 she'll be able to move if she wants to.

My in-laws are the same way. . .they're on their second 'careers' in their early 50's and their youngest child is 27.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 10:25pm
i sooooo agree with you. i think i've changed more in my fortys than ever before. was pretty clueless about life in general until mid thirties. was married at 22. at least we waited til dh finished tech school.

my dd is talking about getting married as soon as she graduates, and i have no worry about it working. she is very focused and directed, and will be fine.

i totally agree with you. imo, you pay now or you pay later, but you will pay. LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 10:37pm
But but buit .. this is where i'm coming from

man A - 45yo got married young, wants to change his career adn go back to school. He has to uproot no kids to move

man B - 45yo, waited to get married, wnats to change his career and go back to school He has to uproot his 2 kids to do so.

In this case, marrying younger would be BETTER ....

Hollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 10:39pm
<<<>>> damn, i wonder what hes going to do when hes in his fortys and starts going bald, or gray or both and getting "soft" around the middle(as i tell my dh, LOL) AND has a true mid-life crisis. it happens. and its not something that just comes and goes. it comes, and its something to get over. i too married my hs sweetheart without ever dating anyone else. in my early fortys ideas started wondering into my head. thank God, i am mature enough to realize men are men are men are men. i have a good one, and im gonna keep him.

about the paris thing..... it will be there when your kids are grown, and you will still be young enough to enjoy it with perhaps a more mature gentleman. ooooo-la-la!!! LOL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 10:44pm
thanks for the implied support babe!

I do think this has to do with an early mid-life crisis on dh's part. His father was diagnosed with a frontal lobe disorder this summer (right before the affair started) that is most likely genetic. I think the idea of being like his father (unable to hold a job at 53 and participating in an adult daycare program) scared him. He says there's no connection. Yet he has so far refused to send in the blood samples the research team needs/wants and has yet to go to San Fran for othe testing his other family members have gone for.

Hollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 10:54pm
And i did, and she has no tongue ring, but she does have a full semester paid to study abroad in spain. she's no dummy, and in addition to what you have said, in this thread, it is being presented an 18yo can do whatever they want, and that is true. and they can get out and support themselves too.

our whole concern with the tongue ring is medical. she is under our insurance, and we are concerned with whether her tongue stays intact or not. granted it is rare for such a thing to happen, but i see no good reason for a tongue ring, and if she wants financial help from us, she will comply with this small request.

it has not damaged our relationship in the least, as she stays in touch on a daily basis, and has our full emotional support. we will never be estranged from each other(i know you didnt say this, just making a point in the thread), because the lines of communication are wide open and will always be that way.

i do realize she has the option of a tongue ring when she is completely out from under our financial support, and if she wants to do it on her own insurance, she can get five of them!! LOL. but as long as she is under our insurance, no tongue ring.

extortion!!! ROFLMAO.....who's the parent???

good post!!!

beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 11:05pm
<<<>>>> THANK YOU!!!!

that is exactly my point. i really dont give a damn what anyone thinks of whether we made a stupid decision or not, the bottom line is, we dont have to give our kids over 18 anything, and if they want to do something as "stupid"(imo) as a tongue ring, we can be pretty damn stupid too.

our children and we have always been very close, but when they get older, they will challenge. some big time, and some not so big time, but the *kids* raise the stakes, so parents must too. i truly think they want to see how far they can go sometimes, and with my dd we were more worried about the medical end of piercing her tongue rather than how it looks, etc. she can do what she wants when she has her own medical insurance. she can poke holes all over her body if she wants, but if anything goes wrong, it will be her medical bills, not mine. i prefer to not ask for trouble if not necessary.

thanks for the "bottom line" post.

p.s. the fact that we are very secure in our relationship with our kids, is reason enough to not worry about "risking the relationship forever". laughable to me. we would miss each other if we stopped talking....LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 11:06pm
umm, hellooooo, not while they are under our insurance, they wont.

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