Would you have had kids if you couldn't

Avatar for cindytree
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Would you have had kids if you couldn't
1589
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 3:31pm
Would you still have had children if you knew you might not be able to pay for their college education? I'm not talking about providing food and shelter and needs of minor children and paying bills in general. Just about paying their way through college.

I guess I'm still astounded at the attitude that surfaced at another thread implying that if they couldn't pay for college, they wouldn't have had children. Of course, I'm a lazy, selfish mom at home who isn't working while some of my kids are in school so maybe my opinion doesn't count. Maybe I SHOULD take up scrapbooking to make my existence more worthwhile! lol

In any case, it is an interesting question considering that, under that reasoning, Oprah Winfrey shouldn't have been born. Give me time and I can come up with a whole list of highly successful and respected people who have impacted us in positive ways that wouldn't have been born had their parents decided that because they couldn't pay for college, they wouldn't have children.

How has the college issue influenced your decision to have children, if at all? Do you think it is an important criteria in the decision?

Cindy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 9:01am
what you don't understand is that it isn't a bribe. It is a consequence. Whatever money I put towards my kids college educations is MY money. I can stop giving them that money at any time I choose to do so. My children can either accept my financial contributions and live within limits I find acceptable, or they can decline my financial contributions and do whatever they want. Same with living in my home after they become adults. If they break the rules, they are out. It is a consequence that they get to make a CHOICE about.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 9:10am
Oki, you imply that I have money to give to my kids... The simple fact is, I don't. If they want to try and get their good fornothing father to, more power to them.

I will try my hardest to help them in otherways, say they need groceries one week, or gas money the next. I have no problem giving them that.

But My father didn't teach me that this life is free. I have a problem with paying for college. (even if I did have the money).. One thing that I WON'T do, is not help them in learning where the opportunities are, where to find options, and deteriment their chances for student loans.

My case is unique to most on this board though. B/c my father made oh WAY more then finacial aid would even consider help. So I couldn't have gotten loans when I graduated had I wanted to! I had to live on my own a few years and even THEN I had to get married so as not to divulge my parent information to have it based on whether i qualified for student loans.

While I understand and even agree with his standing that I wouldn't appreiciate it if he were to pay for it. I don't agree in the way he did it.

I couldn't have gone to college right after H.S. His income made it very hard to get help to go to college.

TwinsMom

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 9:10am
..and the cycle continues....
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 9:13am
??? and the cycle of what continues?

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 9:28am
I do not believe that putting conditions on "college" money is even right. Maybe my belief stems from the fact of having ANY and ALL help held over my head to be in compliance somehow with my parents Even at the ripe age of 32. Setting a precidence to last a life time.

The last thing someone needs in the middle of a CUSTODY battle, is having that money held over there head as away to get your selfish thoughts imposed on mine.

What are your priorities? Are you willing to loose your child to a "(&%#($" b/c you refuse to accept your parents "conditions" on money that should otherwise just be given?

The Same holds true for college money.. It's called GUILT.. And that "guilt" you put on your child needlessly, will set a precedence for your FUTURE relationship w/ that child.

You start bad habits.. MOST LIKELY they will continue to follow.. And With respect to MY situation. I don't need the petty crap from my parents in order to pay a lawyer to fight the custody.

It's unpardonable. It's digusting. The kids are their grandkids too, they are very aware of what kind of person my Xh is, they don't need to be reminded. (my father has to "WORK" with him every day.) SO why put "conditions" on the money for the lawyer to save them from this man?? Why? B/c they are "programmed" to from my early childhood. I didn't recieve an allowance to save for college. I was NOT allowed to work while in H.S. to even save money then. SO how am I suppose to take being thrown out of the house at 18, and told make it on your own, With no way to get college funding, No work experience? Now, my parents have somewhat changed since then. I can live here rent free. but only AFTER my husband left me and the kids, and I got back on my feet, I was once again LEFT, when I moved home from being in debt, my Xh sued for custody. I don't have a choice on where to live. My mother wouldn't let my dad have a say on where I was going to live with the kids.

Yet, they turn around and give my younger brother anything he asks for without consquence.

Oh, we aren't going there. My feelings on the subject can not be broached without much pain and complete irrationality.

But I think you see my pov. At least I hope you do. In MY situation, it is gaining some sort of "patronage". That is extortion. (look it up yourself)..

TwinsMom

Avatar for virgogirl914
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 9:37am
The cycle. . you know. . the cycle of not living our lives according to some plan deemed 'easier' or 'better' or meeting the standards of nosey roseys.

The only issues I would worry about with my children marrying young is the potential for financial and emotional strain. . .if I know that these issues are being or have been dealt with then, like you, I'm neither for NOR against marrying early.

There are advantages and disadvantages to marrying early.

There are advantages and disadvantages to marrying later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 9:41am
you seem to have a lot of anger. That is a shame, but it has nothing to do with whether or not I help pay for my children to go to college. The fact is there are several things my kids could to that would immediately cause me to cease any and all support for them (after the age of 18, of coarse).

Your divorce and childcustody situation has nothing to do with ME choosing to pay for my childs college or not. And I'm not saying your parents were right. I don't know the entire story, so I couldn't tell you. I also went through filing for a divorce where my parents not only didn't support me, or offer me any financial help, but they supported HIM and paid for HIS attorney. I've been there, done it. But you know what? They didn't have all the information provided to them about the situation. And even if they had, it still was not required for them to finance MY divorce. To be honest, I didn't even care about the $$$ they gave him, I cared more about the emotional support they didn't give me. I always accepted that it was their money and they could use it as they pleased. And yes, I have two siblings for whom they buy/bought everything, including a house, cars (yes, that is plural), computer, clothes, food, attorney bills, or just freely giving them money. You know what? I'm the most responsible of all three of us. Go figure.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 9:42am
yup yup yup!!! btw...I need to e-mail you something. Would you mind? Is your e-mail set up where I can send something through ivillage?

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

Avatar for virgogirl914
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 9:49am
gee. . .got it. . .thanks.

Edited 9/10/2003 9:59:18 AM ET by virgogirl914


Edited 9/10/2003 2:57:33 PM ET by virgogirl914

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 10:05am
If your going to help with college, Great.. More power to you.. But don't say you will and do something else entirely different.

That's what I don't get.

TwinsMom

Btw I was the more responsible one too..

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