Would you have had kids if you couldn't

Avatar for cindytree
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Would you have had kids if you couldn't
1589
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 3:31pm
Would you still have had children if you knew you might not be able to pay for their college education? I'm not talking about providing food and shelter and needs of minor children and paying bills in general. Just about paying their way through college.

I guess I'm still astounded at the attitude that surfaced at another thread implying that if they couldn't pay for college, they wouldn't have had children. Of course, I'm a lazy, selfish mom at home who isn't working while some of my kids are in school so maybe my opinion doesn't count. Maybe I SHOULD take up scrapbooking to make my existence more worthwhile! lol

In any case, it is an interesting question considering that, under that reasoning, Oprah Winfrey shouldn't have been born. Give me time and I can come up with a whole list of highly successful and respected people who have impacted us in positive ways that wouldn't have been born had their parents decided that because they couldn't pay for college, they wouldn't have children.

How has the college issue influenced your decision to have children, if at all? Do you think it is an important criteria in the decision?

Cindy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 4:45pm
ROFLMAO!!!!!! this is about the most laughable, out of wack, senseless post i have ever read. i dont know about you but i was/am raising my kids, hence no contracts. ppppfffftttt, sorry, i cant stop laughing.

secondly if i could predict the future everything would be cut and dry, hence the conditions on the money. she sprung the tongue ring on us, we sprung the no money on her.

paying for her college has never been a loan to her. we were paying for it because we love her, and we dont want her to have a tongue ring because we love her, and she made the wiser of the two choices she was given, because she was raised right because we love her. and she is in spain until the middle of december for the fall semester, because she chose college over a tongue ring, and we are paying for the whole thing because we love her.

we dont have to give her anything now that she is almost twenty, but we do because we love her, but we wont be run all over and taken advantage of, and controlled by our kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 4:47pm
you said you never said this, and i am just pointing out you did.
Avatar for virgogirl914
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 4:56pm
I've been very specific about the fact that I don't encourage my children to get married early or have children early. . .but I think it's MORE than hypocritical of me to tell her NOT to do what I've done. That's the old 'do as I say, not as I do/did' approach and THAT doesn't fly by me.

I consistently talk to my oldest daughter, in particular because of her age, about the struggles that her father and I have endured and how marrying early came with 'special' struggles (just as marrying a police officer or military man would have). I've talked at length with her (and quite candidly) about my actions and the consequences of my actions as a young woman.

I DON'T disagree with this portion of your post: "Isn't that what we parents are here for? To offer our experiences, advice and counsel? It appears that some feel that they shouldn't bother. My children, like yours, will make their own decisions too, but unlike yours, I hope those decisions have plenty to do with me and my input and guidance over the years."

BUT once the decision has been made, I see no positives from being 'disappointed' if the decision is not the one *I* would have made.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 5:04pm
wwwhhhoooooaaaaa!!!! you are comparing apples and oranges here. her college money never was or has been a loan. as a matter of fact it didnt exist before she went to college. between she, dh and i we are working our tails off to make it happen for her. she decided to let us know in no uncertain terms because she was now 18, she can do whatever she wants, we said, fine, do whatever you want without us. period. no contracts, no loans. no hard feelings. if your child announced that they will do whatever, because they are 18, but keep the money coming, would you feed into it??? thats conditions for me from her as far as im concerned. no kid is going to tell me how its going to be while i finance things. nope. wont do it. i can be debt free, have a new car, go on vacations if we werent financing college, so if i dont want her to have a tongue ring and feel that strongly about it, and talking sense doesnt work, we need to bring out the big guns to get our point across. thats it. cut and dry. no compliance at all, and run free....no financing.

as far as your analogy with your parents and divorce, that is probably why we disagree. my parents are extremely compassionate, and would would give me the money upfront, no strings attached. they would accept my money back on a timely basis and never throw it in my face, not once. how do i know this? because i have borrowed money from them before, and nobody ever knew except they and dh and i. going through a divorce and going to college are worlds different issues. college can always be had, but a divorce is a final situation with definite results. also, i was dealing with a big kid who had never been out in the world before and needed guidance, and you were a married woman with offspring. BIG, BIG difference.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 5:07pm
HUH???? can she not debate the issue??? shes bringing stuff in here that has nothing to do with the subject of the debate.
Avatar for virgogirl914
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 5:38pm
Then I'll ask you the same thing I've asked another poster here. . .Should I, according to you, hide the circumstances of my marriage?

Still be 'ashamed'?

What you seem to be saying is that because I won't be a hypocrite and tell my children NOT to do what I did that I'm condoning premature marriage and teen pregnancy. . .

NO, what I AM condoning is living up to one's responsibilities and the consequences of one's actions and being true to yourself and those you love.

And that's exactly what I'm teaching my children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 6:44pm
Sure she can debate the issue and i think anyone can come here and have a opinion and add pov. I believe it does have to do with the topic for debate...WOH/SAH/parenting.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 6:46pm
ita~
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 7:14pm
she might be debating something to do with the topic of the debate board but not the thread. its like asking do you woh or sah, and answering, i bf rather than ff. no sense.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 7:32pm
"Then I'll ask you the same thing I've asked another poster here. . .Should I, according to you, hide the circumstances of my marriage? "

HUH???? According to me you should hide the circumstances of your marriage? I don't think so, I would NEVER recommend that. Why do you even think I would suggest hiding anything?

What I think is that you should lay it on the line, tell them the circumstances and hold it up as an example of what not to do because of the added stress and pressure it puts on a marriage. I don't think it's hypocritical at all to tell your children not to make the same mistakes you did. Nothing wrong with saying "this is how I did it, but it was wrong, and if I knew better I would have done it differentely". Tell them you would have still married their dad, and had them, but you would have waited longer and gone to college, etc. first.

I really don't see why anyone would have a problem with saying that to their kids.

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