Would you have had kids if you couldn't

Avatar for cindytree
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Would you have had kids if you couldn't
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Wed, 09-03-2003 - 3:31pm
Would you still have had children if you knew you might not be able to pay for their college education? I'm not talking about providing food and shelter and needs of minor children and paying bills in general. Just about paying their way through college.

I guess I'm still astounded at the attitude that surfaced at another thread implying that if they couldn't pay for college, they wouldn't have had children. Of course, I'm a lazy, selfish mom at home who isn't working while some of my kids are in school so maybe my opinion doesn't count. Maybe I SHOULD take up scrapbooking to make my existence more worthwhile! lol

In any case, it is an interesting question considering that, under that reasoning, Oprah Winfrey shouldn't have been born. Give me time and I can come up with a whole list of highly successful and respected people who have impacted us in positive ways that wouldn't have been born had their parents decided that because they couldn't pay for college, they wouldn't have children.

How has the college issue influenced your decision to have children, if at all? Do you think it is an important criteria in the decision?

Cindy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Sun, 09-14-2003 - 2:32pm
Now THAT is the truth! When I think of myself at 18, what I was doing, well thank god I didn't get married then. Besides, when I think of all the fun I would have missed during college well, I shudder to think that I could've been home with babies and a house to clean, and dinner to cook, and bills to pay. Plenty of time for all of that responsibility later on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 09-14-2003 - 2:34pm
But GENERALLY speaking, you have to realize that you are the complete exception to the rule, dont you? I think if you look at statistics, teen marriages have something like a 90 percent failure rate.

No one is saying your life isnt *happy*. Thats not the point. The point is, an 18yo is not in a position to make a life decision like that. Just because your marriage has lasted 8 years (which really isnt that long to be honest) doesnt make getting married at 18 a good idea. There is so much out there in life, why limit yourself at such an early age? Why even encourage your children in that direction.

Your situation reminds me a LOT of my sil. She and my bil married at 18, had 2 kids pretty much right away. She has never gotten any education, never been on a real vacation, and honestly I dont think she could even manage on her own-shes never lived on her own at all. Their 2 children, based on the stellar example set by their parents, both had kids at 18. One is a high school dropout with another baby on the way by his 18yo wife (they have a 3yo too). The other has one failed marriage behind her and hasnt worked in 2 years. You know what they say? *OH but our parents married young and had kids young and never got an education....*.

Fwiw, they have been married over 20 years. Sure they love each other, but I wouldnt exactly say they have a *successful* marriage either.

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2003
Sun, 09-14-2003 - 2:38pm
LOL` now this is comical...."lower stanards" now that is rich. Perhaps not what you consider to be of high standard. We all have different definitions of standards obviously you believe your's are higher than mine. You must get a lot of exercise jumping to conlusion.


ROTFLOL~ you crack me up...and I know you are not talking about me Iam just telling you how it is.


Edited 9/14/2003 2:46:46 PM ET by silverunity

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Sun, 09-14-2003 - 2:43pm
Maybe you weren't emotionally mature enough. I know I was. I know my two best friends from high school were. We are ALL three still married, me for 8 years this month, and the other two for 6 years and 3 years. And we are all happy with our lives. We all could comprehend what a lifetime commitment was. God knows, I have stuck by my husband through some things that most people wouldn't have.

>>>You seriously think that you would have made the same decisions if you had waited 5 years to marry?<<<

Yes, I do. I have had many options to get out of my marriage, and I haven't taken them. I am commited to my husband and our family and our lives together. I always have been. How else could I have handled two babies and a disabled husband at 20/21 years of age on?



Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Sun, 09-14-2003 - 2:44pm
you insinutated that I have "lower" expectations for my life than someone else (perhaps you). I'm curious as to what it is you think would warrant me having "normal" or "high" expectations for my life.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Sun, 09-14-2003 - 2:46pm
but what makes your choice of going off to college and partying better than my choice of getting married and having children?

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Sun, 09-14-2003 - 2:54pm
>>>But GENERALLY speaking, you have to realize that you are the complete exception to the rule, dont you? I think if you look at statistics, teen marriages have something like a 90 percent failure rate.<<<

I have said that not all 18 year olds are mature enough to handle marriage. Matter of fact, I have said it again and again and again. And no, I don't believe I am the "complete" exception. There are many others who are exceptions to the statistics. Many on this board even.

>>>No one is saying your life isnt *happy*. Thats not the point. The point is, an 18yo is not in a position to make a life decision like that.<<<

*I* was in a position to make a life decision like that. I have friends who were in a position to make a life decision like that. NO, not all 18 year olds are, but that doesn't mean NONE are.

>>>Just because your marriage has lasted 8 years (which really isnt that long to be honest) doesnt make getting married at 18 a good idea.<<<

No, it isn't all that long, but it is what I have. Am I not allowed to post on the subject until I have 10 or 20 or 50 years of marriage behind me? Or will that not even be enough?

<<>>

Limit myself? IMO, I opened myself up to an entire other life! I didn't limit much of anything in my life! As for my kids, I will not encourage them to marry at 18, I will not encourage them to marry at 30. That is THEIR decision. What I will encourage them to do is have a plan for their lives, to have something they love that drives them.



As for your SILs situation, it doesn't sound to me like they have an unsuccessful marriage, from what you posted. But it does sound like they may have had some unsuccessful parenting skills. At least, as it stands from what you wrote.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-14-2003 - 3:13pm
You do realize that you are the exception to the rule. Statically young marriage are much more likely to end. Also that that at 8 years you cannot really call your marriage a success yet.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Sun, 09-14-2003 - 3:18pm
To date, my marriage is a success. Or am I not competant to weigh in on the discussion until I have been married 10, 20 or 50 years? Or will that not even be enough?

As far as being the exception. There are MANY people who are exceptions. There are MANY people who still shouldn't be married at 30 or even 40. The difference is knowing yourself and what you need/want, and what you are capable of. Some 18 year olds ARE capable of that.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-14-2003 - 3:28pm
Well, then she's clearly not the "complete exception". It may not be COMMON for *most* 18 year olds to know what they want and be able to build a happy marriage at 18, but 10% of those who marry are clearly able to do just that.

And that's the point. You can look at all the statistics you want, but in the end, it's completely dependent on nothing more than the couple and if a couple believes they are ready, there's really no reason on earth for a parent to be "disappointed" in their decision. Nor for older adults to be so condescending about whether an 18 year old is capable of knowing if she or he actually IS happy.

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