Would you have had kids if you couldn't

Avatar for cindytree
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Would you have had kids if you couldn't
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Wed, 09-03-2003 - 3:31pm
Would you still have had children if you knew you might not be able to pay for their college education? I'm not talking about providing food and shelter and needs of minor children and paying bills in general. Just about paying their way through college.

I guess I'm still astounded at the attitude that surfaced at another thread implying that if they couldn't pay for college, they wouldn't have had children. Of course, I'm a lazy, selfish mom at home who isn't working while some of my kids are in school so maybe my opinion doesn't count. Maybe I SHOULD take up scrapbooking to make my existence more worthwhile! lol

In any case, it is an interesting question considering that, under that reasoning, Oprah Winfrey shouldn't have been born. Give me time and I can come up with a whole list of highly successful and respected people who have impacted us in positive ways that wouldn't have been born had their parents decided that because they couldn't pay for college, they wouldn't have children.

How has the college issue influenced your decision to have children, if at all? Do you think it is an important criteria in the decision?

Cindy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 12:49am
Very good point. I would think that the decision to be boyfriend and girlfriend for 5 or so years would depend a lot on what you believe being girlfriend and boyfriend is all about. I happen to believe it is about finding the right person to spend my life with, as husband and wife. I know a lot of people disagree with that, but it doesn't change how I view the boyfriend/girlfriend/dating relationships. After finding the "right person" for me, there wasn't much reason to wait 5 or so years to marry him.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 1:01am
Well for one, 40 or 50 years ago there was not a lot of choice for women. Many married to escape from their family life. Many had no other option, as college was not offered. I dont get where that makes it okay. Women were still considered the lesser sex then, and it was very common that a father did not *allow* his daughter to move out until she was married. I think we've come a long way since then, and young girls have much more open to them. And that IS good.

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

Avatar for virgogirl914
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 1:09am
Having additional choices is a given. . .but how does the fact that we now have more options make 18 year olds of this generation LESS mature than those of previous generations.

Unless of course we're raising children to take less and less responsibility. . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 1:59am
I never said they are less mature. I said that women/girls 50 years ago were married off early and didnt have much of a choice in the matter if they wanted to get out of the house. They are probably just about as mature as they were then-maybe back then they might have been a bit more mature because teens were usually considered adults by age 14 or 15 (because many were out of school by then-lots didnt go past 8th grade). An 18yo 50 yrs ago might very well have been holding a job or caring for a household in tandem with her mother for quite some time. Divorce seldom happened, and again, women just didnt have many choices. It was less a matter of maturity and more a matter of this is what you did.

You think the girls who were married off at 12yo back in the 1400's were more mature than the 12yo's of today? Probably-but then they only lived to about age 30 too. Whats your point???

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

Avatar for virgogirl914
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 2:05am
You said that '18 year old' and 'emotionally mature' don't even belong in the same sentence as far as your concerned.

I disagree with that premise, at least in so far as SOME 18 year olds DO know what they want out of life. While I understand and agree that we all continue to grow and mature with experience. . .some of us DID know what we wanted from life very early on.

I also disagree with the premise that an 18 year old can't be mature, in part because I belive maturity lies in one's actions and ability to responsibily accept the consequences of those actions.

You seem to contend that the 18 year old isn't emotionally mature, but may be legally defined as an adult. I contend that they CAN be emotionally mature now, just as many were emotionally mature 40 or 50 years ago.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 5:48am
More than 2 exceptions Hollie. My parents were married at 17 and when my dad passed away in 1991 they had been married 42 years. My sister and her husband were married at 19, they've been married for 35 years. My brother and his wife were married when she was 18, 26 years later, they're still going strong. Jeff and I were married when I was 18 and he was 20, our 23rd anniversary is coming up in November. I'm not saying that getting married at 18 is *the* thing to do for everyone, but it's very obvious it *can* work out. Our family is living proof.

It's perfectly normal for parents to want the best for their kids..college, travel, careers, lots of money, etc..I want that for my kids. But if my 18 yr old dd came to me tomorrow and said "I'm getting married", it would NOT be the end of the world.

Sue

Photobucket
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 5:50am
Yup!
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 5:59am
Nope. I never wanted to travel the world, ride on a private jet, be on tv, or have an advanced degree, the club scene is definitely not *me*, I don't run, I ride a bike so a marathon is not in the picture, and I'm not a writer so being a published author isn't in the picture either.

What I did want is to share my life with someone I love, a couple of kids, a comfortable home, enough money to pay my bills. I'm not overly adventurous, never have been. I have everything I've always wanted and it's not ordinary or dull.

Sue

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 6:17am
Actually many people do blink an eye at those marriages. Do you mean you have never had anyone tell you that they could never handle being married to someone in the military? I know I have.

But one big difference between a teen marriage and those marriages is one simple change can greatly reduce the chance of divorce. Just waiting a few years. If you wait 4 years and you are no longer with that person then chances are your marrriage would not have survived. But if you are still with that person then you have even a greater chance of having a life long marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 6:30am
Actually I don't think they are much different. Back then those who got married at 18 or 19 would probably have a higher chance of having a life long marriage but that did not mean that it was a happy marriage. They were just less likely to leave the marriage. The only difference is now the person who gets married young is more likely to divorce if they are no longer happy and back then they stuck it out. I don't for a minute believe that all the "My granddmother got married at 18 and has been married for 50 years" stories means that grandma knew exactly what she wanted at 18 and has been enternally happy. In many cases it means that she got married at 18 and has be "stuck" with him for the last 50 years.

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