Would you support your DH being a SAHD

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Would you support your DH being a SAHD
13
Sun, 04-13-2003 - 9:38am
I have noticed lately alot of posters insinuating that women stay home because of some sense of entitlement or thoughts that DAD should work and bring in money and MOM should get to do whatever she pleases. I'm curious to know how true that is. I know that in our family, we just wanted a SAHP. Sure, I wanted to be the SAHP, I have made it very clear that was my dream from day 1. But if it had made financial sense for ME to be the SAHP, we would have gone that route, and are beginning to.

So, I'm curious....how many women here would support their husband in being a SAHP? Would it depend on how the "agreement" was set up? Would you insist on keeping your finances as your own, and giving him an "allowance" or a sum of money of his own each payday to keep as his own? Would you be willing to provide household chores in addition to working FT to financially support the family? What would you expect from him as a SAHP? What reasons would you have for absolutely saying no to him being a SAHP?

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 04-13-2003 - 10:36am
We actually almost went that route. Way back in the day that dh was considering taking over the family farm. The only way we could do it financially wise for a while was if I WOH for insurance purposes and he not only farmed...but also cared for our dd (we didn't have the baby back then). Another idea we tossed around was him just staying home period but once we looked at my future money making capabilities, compared to his...we realized it would be foolish for him to quit working--plus his employer paid full benefits for the entire family...mine didn't.

He did readily admit that SAH would be "hard" for him if he couldn't pick dd up and move around on the spur of the moment (read: most of the time) because he is a very active person and constantly likes to be moving. That was one downfall because she was 4 at the time and sick...so actually staying put in one locatoin was a necessity.

Anyway, that is also when I found out how hard it was in our area to find a provider...because so many were closing down. I love children and I figured if I was going to SAH, it should benefit other families as well and opened the day care.

Our choice took many things into consideration and it wasn't based on what I wanted, what he wanted or anything like that. Yes, I enjoy it more then he probably would (although I would get more things done....like that book shelf I have always wanted ;o)-however it wasn't our deciding factor.

Like you...it could have been either of us.

Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 04-13-2003 - 11:51am
No surprise here, I would not support my dh as a SAHD unless there was no other way (ie, he's unemployed or medically unable to work). I'm not, willingly, signing up to be the sole support of my family and I woudln't ask my dh to do so either.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-13-2003 - 12:42pm
Dh would be a much better SAHD than I would a SAHM. So we'd do it in a heartbeat ... if I could make the kind of money that we do with both of us working. He tells me all the time that if I'd just go out and make $100K, he'd stay home. Of course my response is always "If I could make $100K, I'd do it whether you stayed home or not!" lol

He'd make a great SAHD. Sure, there are probably a few areas he'd be deficient in .. like shopping for clothes and matching said clothes ...and doing pretty things with dd's hair ... but I do those things now while WOH, so I wouldn't have any reason not to continue doing those things.

Now to take your questions one by one:

1. So, I'm curious....how many women here would support their husband in being a SAHP?

I sure would.

2. Would it depend on how the "agreement" was set up?

Nope.

3. Would you insist on keeping your finances as your own, and giving him an "allowance" or a sum of money of his own each payday to keep as his own?

4. No way. H'ed probably continue to be our "finance manager". I'd deposit the checks is all. I don't think we'd change a thing financially.

5. Would you be willing to provide household chores in addition to working FT to financially support the family?

Of course. Its still my responsibility. I'd probably do less than him, but I most definitely would contribute. When a parent SAH, it doesn't relieve the other parent of their "parenting" responsibilities, so why would SAH relieve the other parent of their household reponsibilities?

6. What would you expect from him as a SAHP?

To take care of the kids and house. With my assistance in both arenas.

7. What reasons would you have for absolutely saying no to him being a SAHP?

If doing so would put us into financial distress, as it would now. But he wouldn't wnat to do it in those circumstances either, so its a moot point.

Hollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2000
Sun, 04-13-2003 - 1:15pm
Hypothetically speaking, of course, no. For the same reason that I wouldn't BE a SAHP if I had a husband.

In my situation, because I have a child from my previous marriage, I think it would be extremely unfair for a prospective husband to be asked to put that much into caring for my child. By the same token, I think it would be completely unreasonable for me to SAH and expect same imaginary dh to support my child financially. He's my kid, I need to be the one having to worry about all this stuff.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-13-2003 - 2:39pm
So, I'm curious....how many women here would support their husband in being a SAHP?

Yes, if it were financially feasible.

Would you insist on keeping your finances as your own, and giving him an "allowance" or a sum of money of his own each payday to keep as his own?

We have never seperated the money before, it has always gone into one pot so I see no reason to change things.

Would you be willing to provide household chores in addition to working FT to financially support the family?

I would be willing to chip in as needed but knowing my DH I expect most days thhings would already have been taken care of before I got home.

What would you expect from him as a SAHP?



Don't really have expectations of him also would not have any worries.

What reasons would you have for absolutely saying no to him being a SAHP?

Only financial reasons.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 04-13-2003 - 3:26pm
Nope, couldn't do it. I couldn't handle being married to a man that had no desire to financially support his family. I guess I am old fashion in a way that men should support their families. I SAH for the first two years of both children's lives, but I couldn't be content doing it forever and I think I would have a hard time being married to a man that could be content just being home.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-13-2003 - 4:48pm
Since he makes twice as much money as I do, no.

If he hit the lottery, sure.

If he had told me this 12 years ago and I had managed to make our total combined salary by myself at this point, probably.

If he and I both felt some overwhelming need to have somebody stay home and somehow I made twice as much money as he did, probably.

Since neither of us perceives this need and I'm probably not going to have my salary tripled anytime soon, no.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-13-2003 - 8:48pm
What if he wanted to,though? I knew a couple a loooong time ago and she had a mentally and physicaly disabled child (unclear on what exactly).She was a spec ed teacher, and she married a Middle Eastern guy who was a landscape architect but jobless.He cared for her/their son *so well*. He took a lot of heat for it,though, from his friends, including my boyfriend at the time for being a "woman" and not working while his wife did (I admit my ME boyfriend and his friends weren't really enlightened on reverse gender roles!),but I thought it was really nice and worked out well for them.

Some men are just really, really like having a family and are glad to marry into one.



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Sun, 04-13-2003 - 9:09pm
I completely agree with your post!!!

One of my closest friends is the mother of 4 girls, ages 5-10. Two years ago, she married her current husband (not the girls father). Later in the year, they made the decision for her to stay home. They can afford it, their home runs more smoothly with her home, and the girls are happier and better taken care of with her home. She does not receive CS regularly enough to say that the girls dad pays anything to provide for them, so basically, her husband is doing all of the financial supporting of the girls. It works well for them, and he is happy with the situation.

In much the same situation, my grandmother had 4 children when she married my grandfather. He supported them (though my grandmother did work off and on) by working two jobs...one for the city, and the other for the National Guard (meaning one weekend a month and 2 weeks a year in the summer). The situation worked out well for both of them, and they were both happy with it. Sure, my grandfather could have demanded she kick in 50% of the $$$ that came into the house, but he didn't. Instead, he helped her raise those kids the same way that he would have if they were his blood kids.

In return, some 11 years after her married my grandmother, he was blessed enough to be standing there in the hospital when I was born. :) He raised me the same way he raised my mother and uncles....as his own. Heck, I think he has shelled out more $$$ on my behalf than my own parents ever did! He has done that because he thinks of me as his granddaughter...not his step-granddaughter. And I am very thankful for that. :)

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-14-2003 - 9:21am
I would not for several reasons. One, it would be bad for his health. He needs the various stimuli of the workplace, and he'd eat himself into an early grave. He wouldn't work with the boys on new skills. And most importantly for me, I'd still have to pick up the house every night. His housekeeping standards don't exist.

In general, I have no problems with a SAHD. For my particular DH, no way.

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