I need some help...FAST

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
I need some help...FAST
8
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 12:25am

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 1:27am
I agree about your plea for help, fast! If I were you I wouldnt even mess with it, I'd be on the phone in the morning with a family therapist for C9 primarily, but also your daughter. They would also be able to counsel you specifically about what you saw and your other observations of C9. Runner-up advice would be clergy, if you are close to a church you trust. Grands have to know precisely what you witnessed, tell them ahead of time you have something serious to talk about and be as calm as you can be. I'm assuming here that if they are primary guardians you will need their okay to go to counseling. I think you did great with your dd stressing the lying part over the actual incident, which she is not a guilty party of. She will need help understanding a bit more why you reacted the way you did tho.

Some may indicate this is ordinary "sexual experimentation" but at the ages of the kids and the background you describe, clearly some intervention is needed.

Good luck and you have my prayers for a positive outcome in all of this.

Jen

Avatar for 1969jets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 11:27am
Tough call. Do you feel that the kids would be better off OUT of your granparents home or in it? I think that might be what you have to decide before you act. If you get the police or DCF (or whatever the agency is called in OK) involved they will possibly remove the girls from the home they are in. So if you call them in you need to be prepared to deal with that eventuality. I can't tell from your post whether you think it would be good for them to be removed or not.

You NEED to talk to your granparents. You need to tell them (calmly) what you witnessed and what your young cousin told you. You need to explain to them that allowing young kids to witness pornography can be considered a form of abuse. The child probably needs some counseling. I would guess that most 9 year olds do not know how to handle sexual feelings. She probably feels bad and perhaps does not understand why what she did was wrong. Even if she has seen porno flicks she probalby does not have a full understanding of adult sexuality at age 9. Someone with professional experience might be able to help her work through this experience.

I would also have your daughter see a counselor. I would probably not use the counselor at school as I would be worried about confidentiality within a school. Your daughter may feel some shame over something because she doesn't really understand what happened, just that it made her feel funny and angered you. A professional might be able to help YOU explain to your daughter in an age appropriate manner.

Jenna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 8:27pm
Wow Missy, i am so sorry. This is pretty heavy duty, and from what i know of this area, which isnt much, i would think the cousins need to get into counseling *yesterday*. they need to understand *why* they are "acting out". your grandparents have to know this has been a possibility since they are aware of where the cousins came from. with that said, there is no way you can *not* tell your grandparents, but as smart, gentle and loving as you are, im sure they will *hear* what you say, and not be angry. yes they will be upset, but the adults responsible for these children, must take action to help them work through these actions/feelings.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 12:28am
Did you get my email? It seems I can post a bit today, but at least half the time I still get the *page cannot be displayed* page. Anyway, where are you with this issue? I have been checking back and disappointed that there hasn't been an update LOL. How nosey is that?

I am not surprised that all the responses to the incident are reactive and believe this to be abuse. The age difference between your dd and cousin is not that great and it doesn't sound like your dd was cohersed or threatened in anyway. I truly believe that because of the child's background, you may be over reacting. Your post doesn't give enough detail to truly determine if what happened is normal or not, but if you think it could be, I urge you not to make a big deal out of it and embarass both your dd and your cousin. I hope all has gone well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 10:01am

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 10:13am

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

Avatar for 1969jets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 12:13pm
Oops. Sorry. Then I wouldn't get any government agencies involved. I guess that is why I asked the question about where they would be better off. I would say you need to get some counseling for your daughter and your cousin if possible.

Jenna

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 12:55pm

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14