Letting your adult child live at home

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Letting your adult child live at home
146
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 1:50pm
I've been thinking about this lately. In another thread, it was mentioned that it would have to be very dire circumstances for a poster to allow their adult child to move back home. I was wondering, what is the general consensus on this?

Dh and I have discussed this, and we pretty much agree that our kids are welcome to live in our home as long as they need to. Now, that doesnt mean live at home and mooch off mom and dad while laying around in their bathrobe all day watching Mtv! But if at 18, my dd doesnt feel completely *ready* to leave the nest, we'd be fine with her living at home and going to school for a couple years before she opted to move out. I'd prefer to see her go out of state for school, but I also have seen kids who were a very *young* 18 who really were NOT ready for that level of autonomy, and ended up doing very poorly in college. I'd rather she live at home a bit longer than risk her dropping out! I probably wouldnt make her pay rent, but I'd ask that she help out with household chores and such, and maybe have her contribute towards groceries, etc. I wouldnt have a curfew but I would require that she call if she wasnt going to be home. Just common respect things.

Also, statistically, more and more young adults are living at home. Considering that the upcoming generation is likely to be the first to have a lower socioeconomic status/standard of living, than their parents, its become quite the *norm* for them to live at home until mid 20's. Housing prices and such are so astronomical now, many kids just cant AFFORD to live on their own.

One of my best friends has her 24yo son back at home. He went to college in anther town, got his degree and a pretty good job. But he is paying back hundreds of dollars a month in student loans right now, and between that and all the other *life* expenses, it would be a huge struggle for him to try to find some crappy apartment. Now, she is HAPPY to have him home-he cooks dinner a lot, carts the younger kids around, and she is one of those moms who TRULY enjoys the company of her children. She said she'd rather he live at home for another year and save for a house. And since they were not able to financially help as much as she would have liked as far as college, she feels that letting him live at home while he tries to knock down some of that student debt is her way of helping him out.

So how would YOU feel if your 18+ wanted to live at home? Would there be specific conditions? Would you want them to pay rent, etc?

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 2:19pm
It's an awfully long way off for us, but I can't imagine having a problem letting them stay at home. I would only charge them rent if for any reason they weren't going to school. I agree about the common respectful sort of expectations.

I can't imagine how young people today EVER afford a home! Real estate has skyrocketed so much, it seems impossible.

Carol

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 2:40pm
yikes, this is a tough one, as i think of my two oldest when you ask this. one is not very responsible while living home, and the other one is a total dream! my ds1 lived home til he was 19 and did work and go to school that year after graduation, however, refused to lift a finger in the house, so he was helped to pack when he decided to move out. when my dd comes home for even a few days, she helps with cooking, cleaning, carting ds2 around(he doesnt have his license, and not really interested in getting it) etc. she is very grateful to us and shows her appreciation ten fold. i think *now* my ds1 appreciates us more than he did while still living home at 18, but i dont think he and i would do well living together. i love him, but he drives me nuts. if dd wanted to move back for whatever reason, we wouldnt think twice about it. she would not be an imposition at all.

i guess it all has to do with personality. if ds1 had a *plan* and agreed to certain living arrangements while living back with us, i would agree to give it a try, but i think it would be tough on both of us.

Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 4:28pm
Absolutely will my children be welcome to live here for as long as they want or need to. As long as they don't treat us as a pit stop, it's a total non-issue.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 5:10pm
I have adult children living at home, at least part of the time. DD1 (21) and DD2 (19) both attend college about 45 miles away. They both live in the dorm during the week. DD1 comes homes every weekend (in part because she works her summer job on Saturdays), DD2 comes home occasionally and both are home Christmas and summer breaks.

The only rule about it we have laid down is if they are in school then they can live here rent free, if they are not attending school then they must pay rent. I guess next year when DD1 graduates next year we'll have to see if we will hold them to the pay rent rule and for how much.

I don't expect a lot from them. I expect them to treat us at least as well as they would others in a room mate type situation, which means taking care of their own stuff and pitching in in community areas. I rarely ask them to do a chore but when I do I have never had a problem. DD1 is very good about letting us know when she will be out late or when she is doing something out of the ordinary (for instance if she is going somewhere after work rather than coming straight home) and also when she will not be joining us for meals.



We have never set any rules on when they had to be out of the house but I think that there is some kind of expectation that probably a year or two out of college they will.

As for moving back home after they move out I hope that they feel about it the same as I always did about moving back in with my parents. I hope they realize that there is always a home for them here if they need it but I hope that they see that as an option that they do not want to take.

Now a question for you.

"Also, statistically, more and more young adults are living at home."

Is that really true? When I was a young adult the norm seemed to be to live at home until getting married (with the exception of college/military service). The young adults that I know are more independent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 5:22pm
I HATED it when John moved in with his Dad and stepmom after graduating high school, even tho they only lived 10 minutes away and even tho he only did so because they lived closer to his job than I do.

And I LOVED LOVED LOVED it when he moved back home last winter after they bought a house further away from his job. I like having him here and because he lives here, he and his fiancee are able to save up for a down payment on a home.

If they had to live here for a while after they marry, or if they choose to stay with her Mom for a while after they marry to continue saving for the home they want, that's okay by me (and I know it's okay by her Mom). They're good kids. John has a good job and she's a hard workin' cookie herself (you don't graduate college only one semester late after having a baby without some good hard work ethics). They help out around their respective homes and are generally pleasant to be around.

And I know for a fact that my ex and his wife would eagerly have the kids living with them if they wanted/needed. I don't think any of us plays by the get-out-and-stay-out rule.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 6:05pm

 

Avatar for laurenmom2boys
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 6:28pm
Well, as one that lived at home for a VERY long time, it would be hard for me not to accept it in my own children. Here's the story. I was always a homebody, very shy. I didn't go away to college but went to a junior college while working. While I was home I *always* worked either PT or FT while going to school. I moved out when I was 27. I had been through a very severe depression up until then (for about 2-3 years) and decided that part of my depression was not being responsible for myself. I found a friend that needed a roommate and we moved into a nice 2 BR apartment. It lasted less than a year because she met a guy and moved out and I couldn't find another roommate. Rent was pretty high where I live (NJ) so I couldn't afford a decent place by myself. I moved back home and knew I'd be there just a short time until I could find another roommate. Two weeks after moving back home I met DH. I knew he was "the one" pretty soon after and didn't want to move out with a friend because I knew I'd be getting married. Little did I know it would take DH 3 years of dating before he asked me....

Anyhooo, to make a long story short, I was 32 when I moved out "for good." But I really lived my own life and took care of myself. I got along very well with my parents and they did not put any major restrictions on me except to clean up after myself and pay rent/board and all my own expenses.

So I guess I wouldn't have a problem with one of my boys living with me as long as they worked, paid rent/board, and took care of themselves and cleaned up after themselves. I refuse to baby them if they decide to live home as adults.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 7:27pm
Well its true as of the last 20 years or so. I think the average age of moving out is now 28 as opposed to 21 or something (cant remember the exact stats).

I am 39 and when I graduated, I knew very few kids who stayed at home. A few (myself included) kind of moved back in a few times between apartments and such, but I dont know anyone who lived at home until getting married! But most of the people I know were married well after age 25.

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 7:37pm
I can think of isolated circumstances (serious illness, emotional crisis) in which I'd allow it very temporarily.

<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /> 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 7:44pm
Totally different from my experience. I am 45. I come from a working class background. Few went to college and with exception of those that joined the military very few did not live at home until they got married. Most married young.

Pages