My evil MIL and a question....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
My evil MIL and a question....
21
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 8:42pm
This is my last post about my situation and I promise I will quit highjacking the board and quit emoting. I have to get this off my chest, though. I am so freaking mad that, if I were a lizard, I would be spitting right now.

Here is the scoop:

DH decided he is not going to tell his mother about the tumor returning until she returns from vacation. I find this rather horrible and, as a mother, would be terribly hurt. Plus, he has already told his dad and they live in the same SMALL town. What is she going to do if someone comes up to her and tells her sorry about her son when she gets back?

She calls tonite and asks about the Dr appt. I tell her the truth prefacing that Devin should probably tell her but he is not there. She gets mad at me and tells me I have ruined her vacation. I should have waited until she returns. I am typing and getting mad again. What?!? How can a woman be so self centered that she would not want to know about her sons cancer? Was I wrong? So now DH is mad at me, I am mad at him and furious with my evil MIL and MIL is mad at me. Duke will be such fun since she is going with us. I just want to yell at someone.

Was I wrong? This is not a dig toward anyone at the board-just at her. The woman has never, ever worked a day in her life. Her other children are teenagers and she spends her days shopping and horseback riding. My aunt said her life was a vacation and I have to agree. I just think it is very self centered of her. Maybe she was in shock but still..how hurtful. I would want to know regardless of where I was if it were my son. Damn, I could be at the UN giving a presentation and you could interrupt me with the news.

UGH!!!! Was I wrong? I need validation.

Kristi

"I do not want to be a princess! I want to be myself"

Mallory (age 3)

      &nbs

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 9:17pm
I don't think you were wrong at all, and the fact that she would actually tell you that you have ruined her vacation speaks volumes about the kind of mother she must have been as your dh was growing up. She obviously has little respect for anything or anyone other than herself, and you are right to be angry at her.

That said, I can however, see your dh's point in wanting to wait until she returned to tell her. Not saying it was the best way were she the type of mother she should be, but your dh knows his mother much better than you do, I am sure. He probably knew she would react the way she did. She *shouldn't* have reacted that way, of course, but I imagine your dh knew she would, all the same. This is why I let my dh handle telling my MIL *anything* potentially upsetting. That way, he can deal with in the best way for her, and no one feels like they are "mistreated". (Not saying your MIL was, of course, but she may fell that way).

But, since you were outright asked about the Dr's appt., you should not feel at all like you were in the wrong by not lying to her, and neither of them should be angry with you for being honest. It must have been very hard for you to give his mother that kind of news, regardless of how callously she reacted to it. She probably would have berrated (sp?) you for lying if you had let dh wait until she came back to tell her. With some people, you just cannot win. I wish you the best of luck on the trip to Duke, both because of having to put up with your self-centered MIL, and, most importantly of course, for your dh's health. --->Dawn

Avatar for virgogirl914
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 9:38pm
Had I been in your situation, I'd have respected my husband's request of 'silence' UNTIL directly asked (as you were) about the appointment.

In my mind there's a difference between a lie (albeit in the interest of good) of omission and of comission.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2000
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 9:50pm
I think you were in a *no-win* situation. If she didn't want her vacation *ruined* then she shouldn't have called. Obviously there was a chance she was going to receive information that she didn't want to hear.

If it had been me, I probably would have *tried* not to answer her - I would have told her that I would let dh discuss his appointment with her. That way, I could respect dh's wishes and let him decide if he wanted to lie or tell her the truth. However, not being in that situation, it is easier me to say what I might do - who knows, I probably wouldn't have been able to hold it in and would have told her the truth anyway.

I HAVE to think that her reaction was just shock and grief. How could anyone be so callous? Of COURSE that kind of news would ruin anyone's vacation, but life isn't always fair! If she didn't want to ruin her vacation, she shouldn't have called.

I'm so sorry you are faced with all of this. I don't post here as often as most people, though I usually am lurking and chime in occasionally. I am praying for you and your family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 10:40pm
Sweetie, you were between a rock and a hard place on that one. My initial thought was that you shouldn't have told her b/c your husband didn't want her told until she got back. HOWEVER, she point blank asked. What were you supposed to do at that point? Were you supposed to say, "oh, the appointment went great, he is doing fine, the tests show everything is clear!!!". THEN she would be pissed that you had lied to her!

What I would say to your husband is "when she asked my how the appointment went, what should I have told her?". I'd be really curious to know the answer to that.

((((((((KRISTI)))))))))))))

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 11:22pm
Do you have caller id? I would have screened my calls and not answered if it were your MIL! :) You did what you thought right.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2001
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 9:02am
Your life is hanging by threads ... and she's mad over her vacation being ruined. hmmmm ... where her mind is at is selfish and I get the feeling she's confused. Where your mind is at is amazing ... you have so much to deal with and I think you have more stamina than I could ever muster in dealing with this. My advice about your mil? Leave it, shove those feelings onto a shelf and continue to deal only with your priority ... dh and family.

Positive thoughts and hugs, Linda

 

Linda - wife, mother, grandmum                     &nb

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 11:17am
Amen, linda! i have been married 24 years(this monday) and that is where im at with my mil. to me, she is my dh's mom and thats it. she is very self centered, and acts like the world revolves around her, *and* she is unreachable.

good advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 2:27pm
Well, I hate to say this but I don't think you should have told her. Since she asked, I would have said "Devin will tell you when he gets home, it's not my place". Then if she REALLY pressed you, it would have been her fault that her "vacation was ruined", not yours.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 4:34pm
Even though I may not have told about the tumor, your MIL's response was completely selfish, insensitive, and inexcusable. What kind of a mom says "you ruined my vacation by telling me my son is ill." I can only imagine what kind of person she is.

Wishing you strengh as you face having to deal with her in your trip to Duke.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-18-2003 - 9:17am
I still have not talked to her but I have calmed down considerably. My heart just aches for DH since he was raised like he was. Can you imagine being so scared that you are dying but you can not tell your mother because it might ruin her vacation? I really can not imagine and find it undefendable.

I have been praying that I will get over the bitterness of my reaction to her reaction and I have been praying that she will find her center and focus on DH getting better. She has a tendency to focus on something else-me and my actions-than focusing on DH's sitation. Hopefully, I will find the strength to stop her when she starts and bring her back to the importance of what we are dealing with-DH is most important not our relationship with each other. Denial-why can't I cope like that?

I almost wish I had Caller ID but then I would never answer the phone!

Kristi

"I do not want to be a princess! I want to be myself"

Mallory (age 3)

      &nbs

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