Thorn in your side Tuesday

Avatar for jamblessedthree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2001
Thorn in your side Tuesday
420
Tue, 10-07-2014 - 9:40am

Admit it, There's always going to be somebody, something or something somebody does or says that bothers you.  When that happens how do you deal with it 

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2013
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 1:51pm

You are in the same room when your dh talks to her or in the same room with her?  Why your dh needs to share with you something that hurts you is something that I don't understand.  Why would he share something that he knows will hurt you?    Of course, you are his savior from those horrible people that you don't want a relationship with but still want to try over and over again, despite the pain that it costs your family, you are just a victim!!  baer.

Really? I guess you don't get that my house is just a little small and that you hear everything lololol AND as I said before, he is NOT going to share that type of info with me. It doesn't "hurt" me, it bothers me that someone would continue with such crap after so many years and still believe that they are right. Guess it must be the bullying trait in this person and that they are a stubborn Italian. lol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 1:53pm

blackandwhitemolly wrote:
<p>Given that your behavior here at times is representative of some of the traits you claim she has, I have to wonder how much this has impacted you over the years.  Therapy might be a good idea if you are still holding on to this for 30 years plus.  Thirty plus years is a long time to be dealing with this, with the same results, don't you think it might be time to do something different?</p><p><strong>Ok, you are not even reading my posts. I don't even KNOW my dh 30 years lolololol.</strong> </p>

Okay...almost 30 years, insert eye roll here.  17+30=47 and you are in your 40's.   But way to miss the point molly, again.  See, this is why I have a hard time believing the complete innocence on your part.  I can imagine talking with you can be as frustrating in real life as it is here at times.

PumpkinAngel

Avatar for savcal2011
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 1:54pm

Molly - Some links you might find interesting. Seriously, there's some good stuff here.

"Sometimes, though, you may want to smooth things over despite the feeling you did nothing wrong." http://everydaylife.globalpost.com/apologize-taking-blame-10994.html

"“Apologizing does not always mean that you’re wrong and the other person is right. It just means that you value your relationship more than your ego.”—Positive Outlooks" http://www.crosswalk.com/faith/women/apologizing-when-you-ve-done-nothing-wrong.html 

"Apologizing when you’re not wrong doesn’t mean you’re submissive or weak. It truly means the opposite. You’re strong enough and confident enough in your dignity to take the fall because you know it’s best. You know that it will only help your relationship and enable you and your partner to move on. "  http://collectivelifestyle.com/why-you-should-apologize-when-youre-not-wrong/

"I don’t mind a banshee, that’s fine. 2 banshees? I HATE you. I actually wish bad things upon you." -- Day[9] Daily #459 P1

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2013
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 1:54pm

Aaaaand, there it is.  

"I saved him."

Undecided
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 1:55pm

blackandwhitemolly wrote:
<p>What do your children do to make an effort to have a relationship with them?  '</p><p><strong>I am not going to answer that as I am not getting into things that have to do with my children here like that. Thanks for understanding.</strong></p>

Ah huh...relationships are two way streets and if you can't expect to have a relationship when boths sides aren't willing to do the work and given that you have said they don't know or care...that speaks volumes.

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2013
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 1:56pm
blackandwhitemolly wrote:
<p><span>But what do you want to happen? What actions do you want taken?</span></p><p>The action of this person to have a normal relationship that takes place in the present and not bring up bad things from the past.</p>

See? There's your problem. You want THEM to act differently.  You can't change another person's actions.  You can only change your own actions and reactions.

And, as the saying goes "The people in hell want ice water too." 

Yep and my actions HAVE changed that I no longer allow them to walk all over me. I don't have a relationship with them and unfortuanately there is not a huge one with my dh. Sad but true and that is because THEY will never change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 1:57pm

blackandwhitemolly wrote:
<p>You are in the same room when your dh talks to her or in the same room with her?  Why your dh needs to share with you something that hurts you is something that I don't understand.  Why would he share something that he knows will hurt you?    Of course, you are his savior from those horrible people that you don't want a relationship with but still want to try over and over again, despite the pain that it costs your family, you are just a victim!!  baer.</p><p>Really? I guess you don't get that my house is just a little small and that you hear everything lololol AND as I said before, he is NOT going to share that type of info with me. It doesn't "hurt" me, it bothers me that someone would continue with such crap after so many years and still believe that they are right. Guess it must be the bullying trait in this person and that they are a stubborn Italian. lol.</p>

That is not nice, I can't believe your dh would do that to you over and over and over again.  You need to tell him to stop, that would help this situation in the long run, he is making it worse by continuing to keep telling you these negative things.  

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 1:58pm

savcal2011 wrote:
<p>Molly - Some links you might find interesting. Seriously, there's some good stuff here.</p><p>"Sometimes, though, you may want to smooth things over despite the feeling you did nothing wrong." <a href="http://everydaylife.globalpost.com/apologize-taking-blame-10994.html" rel="nofollow">http://everydaylife.globalpost.com/apologize-taking-blame-10994.html</a></p><p>"“Apologizing does not always mean that you’re wrong and the other person is right. It just means that you value your relationship more than your ego.”—Positive Outlooks" <a href="http://www.crosswalk.com/faith/women/apologizing-when-you-ve-done-nothing-wrong.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.crosswalk.com/faith/women/apologizing-when-you-ve-done-nothing-wrong.html</a> </p><p>"Apologizing when you’re not wrong doesn’t mean you’re submissive or weak. It truly means the opposite. You’re strong enough and confident enough in your dignity to take the fall because you know it’s best. You know that it will only help your relationship and enable you and your partner to move on. "  <a href="http://collectivelifestyle.com/why-you-should-apologize-when-youre-not-wrong/" rel="nofollow">http://collectivelifestyle.com/why-you-should-apologize-when-youre-not-wrong/</a></p>

Good advice Sav.

PumpkinAngel

Avatar for savcal2011
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 1:59pm

blackandwhitemolly wrote:
<blockquote><div><em>blackandwhitemolly</em> wrote:</div>&lt;p&gt;&lt;span&gt;But what do you want to happen? What actions do you want taken?&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;The action of this person to have a normal relationship that takes place in the present and not bring up bad things from the past.&lt;/p&gt;</blockquote><p>See? There's your problem. You want THEM to act differently.  You can't change another person's actions.  You can only change your own actions and reactions.</p><p>And, as the saying goes "The people in hell want ice water too." </p><p><strong>Yep and my actions HAVE changed that I no longer allow them to walk all over me. I don't have a relationship with them and unfortuanately there is not a huge one with my dh. Sad but true and that is because THEY will never change.</strong> </p>

But the fact that they haven't changed their actions continues to cause you distress. So quit expecting them to behave better. And maybe you won't have any more distress about it!

"I don’t mind a banshee, that’s fine. 2 banshees? I HATE you. I actually wish bad things upon you." -- Day[9] Daily #459 P1

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2013
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 2:09pm

So, the kids ARE paying the price for this rift.

Not really. This is actually the best thing for them NOT to have a relationship.

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