Thorn in your side Tuesday

Avatar for jamblessedthree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2001
Thorn in your side Tuesday
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Tue, 10-07-2014 - 9:40am

Admit it, There's always going to be somebody, something or something somebody does or says that bothers you.  When that happens how do you deal with it 

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2010
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 3:32pm

blackandwhitemolly wrote:
<p>Umm yeah, my stubborn italian mil pulled a lot of crap in the past.  But not with me, only my sil.  My dh would have told her the first time to shut the f**k up and she knew it.  His brother would not stand up to her, so there was a rift for 30 years where mil treated dil like crap.  The only reason mil actually behaved at their wedding is my dh took control of the situation.  She didn't like dil because she was a different religion.  But there were other things she didn't like, religiion was just the excuse becuase my mil was not very religious, never attends church, yadda yadda.</p><p><strong>Ugghh...sounds like fun lol. I am lucky that my dh does stand up for me but that doesn't mean she will stop. Some people are just like that.</strong> </p>

So what does your dh say when you mil starts in on whatever it is that she starts in on?  Ignore her?  Walk way? Change the subject? Throw her out of your house?  I thought you didn't see this person who brings up this problem every few months, but now it's your mil who comes to your house on these occasions.  What are you doing while she is in your house talking to your dh?  I think your dh needs to quit defending you and tell her to leave when she starts in and not engage "my wife is not that bad" or "my wife never did that" or whatever.  Literally with this person my dh would have kicked her out the first time and told her not to come back until she can act decently and not bring up crap.  And you know my dh if from your people, lol.  

“Clearly," said Arthur,"you're an idiot- but you're our kind of idiot. Come on.” 
― Markus ZusakThe Book Thief

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2013
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 3:46pm

<<Again, you didn't read my post as I was talking about other things with the 30 years. This story is outside of that.>>

I did read, you said a 17 year old.

And again, you did not read my post(s).

<<I can imagine talking with you can be as frustrating in real life as it is here at times.

DIT.TO>>

....and yet, I don't have 20 year old problems with people.  Go figure that.

Well maybe someone DOES but you think it is all ok.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2013
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 3:48pm
blackandwhitemolly wrote:
<blockquote><div><em>blackandwhitemolly</em> wrote:</div>&lt;p&gt;What do your children do to make an effort to have a relationship with them?  '&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I am not going to answer that as I am not getting into things that have to do with my children here like that. Thanks for understanding.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;</blockquote><p>Ah huh...relationships are two way streets and if you can't expect to have a relationship when boths sides aren't willing to do the work and given that you have said they don't know or care...that speaks volumes.</p><p><strong>You have refused to speak about your children. I am doing so now. Please respect that.</strong></p>

I wasn't speaking about your kids, it was a generic statement about the entire situation.  You missed the point again Molly.

"What do your children do to make an effort to have a relationship with them?"

You asked what my children do to make effort. You were speaking about my kids. Thanks but no thanks.

Avatar for jamblessedthree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2001
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 3:50pm
I can't imagine a child willfully chosing to not have a relationship with a grandparent. I have wonderful memories of my grandmother, Those aren't b/c of my parents or my siblings or anybody else, Lol. I think grandparents have the power to really form that with young children. This idea that a child show that, what is it a child is doing to form that, etc. seems odd to me.

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 3:53pm

<<And again, you did not read my post(s).>>

Yea, I did...you just missed the point as usual.

<<Well maybe someone DOES but you think it is all ok. >>

No, I don't care...if someone is holding onto something that was said or happened 20 years ago, that is their issue, not mine.  I can only control my actions and I wouldn't waste as much time, effort and whatever.  


PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2010
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 3:53pm

jamblessedthree wrote:
I can't imagine a child willfully chosing to not have a relationship with a grandparent. I have wonderful memories of my grandmother, Those aren't b/c of my parents or my siblings or anybody else, Lol. I think grandparents have the power to really form that with young children. This idea that a child show that, what is it a child is doing to form that, etc. seems odd to me.

I think when children are small, it is definiately on the grandparent to make an effort to form and keep the relationship.  If they can't be bothered then not much of a relationship develops.  But as they get to teens, the children can take some effort to continue the relationship.  At the least to call grandparents (or write notes) to thank them for gifts sent by mail. 

“Clearly," said Arthur,"you're an idiot- but you're our kind of idiot. Come on.” 
― Markus ZusakThe Book Thief

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2013
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 3:54pm

So what does your dh say when you mil starts in on whatever it is that she starts in on?  Ignore her?  Walk way? Change the subject? Throw her out of your house?  I thought you didn't see this person who brings up this problem every few months, but now it's your mil who comes to your house on these occasions.

I think you need to re-read my posts too as I never said she comes to my house on these occasions. She has been at my house I think 2 times in the last 16 years, maybe about 10 years ago was the last time. She has met my ds ONCE. I think she has seen my dd 3 times. At 1 1/2, at 3 and then around 6 or 7 years old.

What are you doing while she is in your house talking to your dh?

See above

I think your dh needs to quit defending you and tell her to leave when she starts in and not engage "my wife is not that bad" or "my wife never did that" or whatever.

When did I say that is what he did. I didn't and you are making things up.

Literally with this person my dh would have kicked her out the first time and told her not to come back until she can act decently and not bring up crap.  And you know my dh if from your people, lol. 

MY people? What does that even mean? I would not categorize myself as the same as my MIL and I would appreciated no one else did either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 3:57pm

blackandwhitemolly wrote:
<blockquote><div><em>blackandwhitemolly</em> wrote:</div>&lt;blockquote&gt;&lt;div&gt;&lt;em&gt;blackandwhitemolly&lt;/em&gt; wrote:&lt;/div&gt;&amp;lt;p&amp;gt;<strong>What do your children do to make an effort to have a relationship with them?</strong>  '&amp;lt;/p&amp;gt;&amp;lt;p&amp;gt;&amp;lt;strong&amp;gt;I am not going to answer that as I am not getting into things that have to do with my children here like that. Thanks for understanding.&amp;lt;/strong&amp;gt;&amp;lt;/p&amp;gt;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;p&gt;Ah huh...relationships are two way streets and if you can't expect to have a relationship when boths sides aren't willing to do the work and given that you have said they don't know or care...that speaks volumes.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;You have refused to speak about your children. I am doing so now. Please respect that.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;</blockquote><p>I wasn't speaking about your kids, it was a generic statement about the entire situation.  You missed the point again Molly.</p><p>"<strong>What do your children do to make an effort to have a relationship with them?"</strong></p><p><strong>You asked what my children do to make effort. You were speaking about my kids. Thanks but no thanks.<br /></strong></p>

Clearly it is you who is not reading posts.  I said ah-huh to your not talking about kids and then made a generic statement (that didn't mention kids) to you about relationships.  Given your love of googling children of posters here when someone declines to discuss their children, I find your statements to be quite hypocritical on this subject.   

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2013
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 3:57pm

I can't imagine a child willfully chosing to not have a relationship with a grandparent. I have wonderful memories of my grandmother, Those aren't b/c of my parents or my siblings or anybody else, Lol. I think grandparents have the power to really form that with young children. This idea that a child show that, what is it a child is doing to form that, etc. seems odd to me.

Yep and my kids have a wonderful relationship with their other grandmother. That is much part due to her doing though as an adult is usually the first one to step up to have that relationship. Then it turns into something more once they get older and talk and make their own decisions.

This is TRULY better off as they don't need that stress and toxicity in their lives. A grandparent/child relationship should be something that the child feels special and wanted. Not one that the grandparent thinks they come first all the time and the child should cater to them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2013
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 4:00pm

I think when children are small, it is definiately on the grandparent to make an effort to form and keep the relationship.  If they can't be bothered then not much of a relationship develops.  But as they get to teens, the children can take some effort to continue the relationship.  At the least to call grandparents (or write notes) to thank them for gifts sent by mail.

Yep I agree but it needs to start as they are younger to know the person and even if they don't live near them, a close, bonding relationship could be started, IF the adult wants that. A child shouldn't be begging for a relationship and trying harder to establish one, especially when they can and do get false hopes.

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