Thorn in your side Tuesday

Avatar for jamblessedthree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2001
Thorn in your side Tuesday
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Tue, 10-07-2014 - 9:40am

Admit it, There's always going to be somebody, something or something somebody does or says that bothers you.  When that happens how do you deal with it 

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 4:02pm

jamblessedthree wrote:
I can't imagine a child willfully chosing to not have a relationship with a grandparent. I have wonderful memories of my grandmother, Those aren't b/c of my parents or my siblings or anybody else, Lol. I think grandparents have the power to really form that with young children. This idea that a child show that, what is it a child is doing to form that, etc. seems odd to me.

It takes two to have a relationship, by definition jams.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/relationship

re·la·tion·ship

 noun \-shən-ˌship\

: the way in which two or more people, groups, countries, etc., talk to, behave toward, and deal with each other

: a romantic or sexual friendship between two people

: the way in which two or more people or things are connected

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 4:04pm

litlmiss_cantbewrong wrote:
<p><blockquote class="quote-msg quote-nest-1 odd"><div class="quote-author"><em class="placeholder">jamblessedthree</em> wrote:</div>I can't imagine a child willfully chosing to not have a relationship with a grandparent. I have wonderful memories of my grandmother, Those aren't b/c of my parents or my siblings or anybody else, Lol. I think grandparents have the power to really form that with young children. This idea that a child show that, what is it a child is doing to form that, etc. seems odd to me.</blockquote></p><p>I think when children are small, it is definiately on the grandparent to make an effort to form and keep the relationship.  If they can't be bothered then not much of a relationship develops.  But as they get to teens, the children can take some effort to continue the relationship.  At the least to call grandparents (or write notes) to thank them for gifts sent by mail. </p>

My children have a relationship with their grandparents where I'm not really involved, they talk and communicate with each other and have for years without me.  They have developed their relationship together, just as I did as a child with my relatives.

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 4:07pm

blackandwhitemolly wrote:
<p>I can't imagine a child willfully chosing to not have a relationship with a grandparent. I have wonderful memories of my grandmother, Those aren't b/c of my parents or my siblings or anybody else, Lol. I think grandparents have the power to really form that with young children. This idea that a child show that, what is it a child is doing to form that, etc. seems odd to me.</p><p>Yep and my kids have a wonderful relationship with their other grandmother. That is much part due to her doing though as an adult is usually the first one to step up to have that relationship. Then it turns into something more once they get older and talk and make their own decisions.</p><p><strong>This is TRULY better off as they don't need that stress and toxicity in their lives. A grandparent/child relationship should be something that the child feels special and wanted. Not one that the grandparent thinks they come first all the time and the child should cater to them.</strong> </p>

Actually relationships take two people who want to work together to form that relationship, it requires effort on both parts.

Disclaimer:  This is a generic statement about relationships, not specific to children.

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2013
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 4:09pm

Actually relationships take two people who want to work together to form that relationship, it requires effort on both parts.

Disclaimed:  This is a generic statement about relationships, not specific to children.

Yep it does but MOST LIKELY the ADULT will start one with the child SINCE they can't talk or know how to do that at an early age. An adult will take the time to form that relationship. You can't ask a child who is older to start something with basically a total stranger who truly didn't want to know them as if they did, they would have years before.

Avatar for jamblessedthree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2001
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 4:12pm

blackandwhitemolly wrote:
<p>I think when children are small, it is definiately on the grandparent to make an effort to form and keep the relationship.  If they can't be bothered then not much of a relationship develops.  But as they get to teens, the children can take some effort to continue the relationship.  At the least to call grandparents (or write notes) to thank them for gifts sent by mail.</p><p><strong>Yep I agree but it needs to start as they are younger to know the person and even if they don't live near them, a close, bonding relationship could be started, IF the adult wants that. A child shouldn't be begging for a relationship and trying harder to establish one, especially when they can and do get false hopes.</strong></p>

I agree with both you and cantbewrong here.  I can't think of bonding that ever formed with inlaws and they saw a lot of one sidedness and efforts in continuing the relationship, Our kdis are teenagers and a pre-teen now and it would probably be fair to say they are indifferent about the relatonship with my husband's side, I/we purposely keep themaway from any strife or conflict (my over-protective self is to blame for that, Lol) but they have questioned some things.  Honestly, I will take to my grave why they've done and said some things that I can't imagine family ever doing at eachother but that is just me.  In the end, they will have thier own memories and remember their own things as have I. 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2010
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 4:15pm

So what does your dh say when you mil starts in on whatever it is that she starts in on?  Ignore her?  Walk way? Change the subject? Throw her out of your house?  I thought you didn't see this person who brings up this problem every few months, but now it's your mil who comes to your house on these occasions.</p><pI think you need to re-read my posts too as I never said she comes to my house on these occasions.  You definitely had a post that mentioned your house was small and you couldn't avoid hearing.  That's what made me think that she might be coming to your house.  Because you mentioned it.

She has been at my house I think 2 times in the last 16 years, maybe about 10 years ago was the last time. She has met my ds ONCE. I think she has seen my dd 3 times. At 1 1/2, at 3 and then around 6 or 7 years old

What are you doing while she is in your house talking to your dh?</p><p><strong>See above</strong></p><p>I think your dh needs to quit defending you and tell her to leave when she starts in and not engage "my wife is not that bad" or "my wife never did that" or whatever.</p><p><strong>When did I say that is what he did. I didn't and you are making things up.  Yes those were examples/guesses of what me might be saying.  I never made up that he did, I added "or whatever"

</strong></p><p>Literally with this person my dh would have kicked her out the first time and told her not to come back until she can act decently and not bring up crap.  And you know my dh if from your people, lol. </p><p><strong>MY people? What does that even mean? I would not categorize myself as the same as my MIL and I would appreciated no one else did either.

Um yes your people as in you know my dh is ALSO from Long Island his family is ALSO Italian and you mentioned stubborn Italians.  That did not mean that everyone is like your mil. 

“Clearly," said Arthur,"you're an idiot- but you're our kind of idiot. Come on.” 
― Markus ZusakThe Book Thief

Avatar for jamblessedthree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2001
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 4:15pm

Yep it does but MOST LIKELY the ADULT will start one with the child SINCE they can't talk or know how to do that at an early age. An adult will take the time to form that relationship. You can't ask a child who is older to start something with basically a total stranger who truly didn't want to know them as if they did, they would have years before.

Well said.  ITA. 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 4:16pm

blackandwhitemolly wrote:
<p>Actually relationships take two people who want to work together to form that relationship, it requires effort on both parts.</p><p>Disclaimed:  This is a generic statement about relationships, not specific to children.</p><p><strong>Yep it does but MOST LIKELY the ADULT will start one with the child SINCE they can't talk or know how to do that at an early age. An adult will take the time to form that relationship. You can't ask a child who is older to start something with basically a total stranger who truly didn't want to know them as if they did, they would have years before.</strong></p>

Sure you can, if a older child or teen wants a relationship with a realtive, why on earth couldn't they make the effort first?  I would highly encourage my teens to make the effort if they wished for a relationship that they don't have already.  You betcha, I would support and encourage them to reach out and make the effort, in a heart beat....and that is regardless of how "I" personally felt about the person.  But then again, my kids don't really know if I have a negative view of any of their/our relatives.

PumpkinAngel

Avatar for savcal2011
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 4:16pm

pumpkinangel wrote:
<p><blockquote class="quote-msg quote-nest-1 odd"><div class="quote-author"><em class="placeholder">litlmiss_cantbewrong</em> wrote:</div>&lt;p&gt;&lt;blockquote class="quote-msg quote-nest-1 odd"&gt;&lt;div class="quote-author"&gt;&lt;em class="placeholder"&gt;jamblessedthree&lt;/em&gt; wrote:&lt;/div&gt;I can't imagine a child willfully chosing to not have a relationship with a grandparent. I have wonderful memories of my grandmother, Those aren't b/c of my parents or my siblings or anybody else, Lol. I think grandparents have the power to really form that with young children. This idea that a child show that, what is it a child is doing to form that, etc. seems odd to me.&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;I think when children are small, it is definiately on the grandparent to make an effort to form and keep the relationship.  If they can't be bothered then not much of a relationship develops.  But as they get to teens, the children can take some effort to continue the relationship.  At the least to call grandparents (or write notes) to thank them for gifts sent by mail. &lt;/p&gt;</blockquote></p><p>My children have a relationship with their grandparents where I'm not really involved, they talk and communicate with each other and have for years without me.  They have developed their relationship together, just as I did as a child with my relatives.</p>

Tangential thought:   I was thinking how sometimes my kids will text my mom and I don't even know about the conversation. I love that.    but then that made me think about how my kids will sometimes have a conversation, via text or FB or whatever, with *MY* friends, or with the parents of their friends.  By the same token, I have conversations with my kids' friends.   I love that we're all able to form our own individual relationships, even though that relationshipt started through someone else.

"I don’t mind a banshee, that’s fine. 2 banshees? I HATE you. I actually wish bad things upon you." -- Day[9] Daily #459 P1

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2010
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 4:18pm

pumpkinangel wrote:
<p><blockquote class="quote-msg quote-nest-1 odd"><div class="quote-author"><em class="placeholder">litlmiss_cantbewrong</em> wrote:</div>&lt;p&gt;&lt;blockquote class="quote-msg quote-nest-1 odd"&gt;&lt;div class="quote-author"&gt;&lt;em class="placeholder"&gt;jamblessedthree&lt;/em&gt; wrote:&lt;/div&gt;I can't imagine a child willfully chosing to not have a relationship with a grandparent. I have wonderful memories of my grandmother, Those aren't b/c of my parents or my siblings or anybody else, Lol. I think grandparents have the power to really form that with young children. This idea that a child show that, what is it a child is doing to form that, etc. seems odd to me.&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;I think when children are small, it is definiately on the grandparent to make an effort to form and keep the relationship.  If they can't be bothered then not much of a relationship develops.  But as they get to teens, the children can take some effort to continue the relationship.  At the least to call grandparents (or write notes) to thank them for gifts sent by mail. &lt;/p&gt;</blockquote></p><p>My children have a relationship with their grandparents where I'm not really involved, they talk and communicate with each other and have for years without me.  They have developed their relationship together, just as I did as a child with my relatives.</p>

Yes my mom had to learn how to text, so she can keep up with my kids.  : )   They just all talk & text directly now.  

“Clearly," said Arthur,"you're an idiot- but you're our kind of idiot. Come on.” 
― Markus ZusakThe Book Thief

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