Thorn in your side Tuesday

Avatar for jamblessedthree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2001
Thorn in your side Tuesday
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Tue, 10-07-2014 - 9:40am

Admit it, There's always going to be somebody, something or something somebody does or says that bothers you.  When that happens how do you deal with it 

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2013
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 4:21pm

So what does your dh say when you mil starts in on whatever it is that she starts in on?  Ignore her?  Walk way? Change the subject? Throw her out of your house?  I thought you didn't see this person who brings up this problem every few months, but now it's your mil who comes to your house on these occasions.</p><pI think you need to re-read my posts too as I never said she comes to my house on these occasions.  You definitely had a post that mentioned your house was small and you couldn't avoid hearing.  That's what made me think that she might be coming to your house.  Because you mentioned it.

Yes, on the phone

She has been at my house I think 2 times in the last 16 years, maybe about 10 years ago was the last time. She has met my ds ONCE. I think she has seen my dd 3 times. At 1 1/2, at 3 and then around 6 or 7 years old

What are you doing while she is in your house talking to your dh?</p><p><strong>See above</strong></p><p>I think your dh needs to quit defending you and tell her to leave when she starts in and not engage "my wife is not that bad" or "my wife never did that" or whatever.</p><p><strong>When did I say that is what he did. I didn't and you are making things up.  Yes those were examples/guesses of what me might be saying.  I never made up that he did, I added "or whatever"

Yes, guesses as you are not there to actually know and I HAVE explained it a few times.

</strong></p><p>Literally with this person my dh would have kicked her out the first time and told her not to come back until she can act decently and not bring up crap.  And you know my dh if from your people, lol. </p><p><strong>MY people? What does that even mean? I would not categorize myself as the same as my MIL and I would appreciated no one else did either.

Um yes your people as in you know my dh is ALSO from Long Island his family is ALSO Italian and you mentioned stubborn Italians.  That did not mean that everyone is like your mil. 

I guess I will categorize everyone from Alaska as "your people" too then? Or would I do that from where you came from and not where you live? She doesn't live near me anymore. Sigh...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 4:24pm

savcal2011 wrote:
<p><blockquote class="quote-msg quote-nest-1 odd"><div class="quote-author"><em class="placeholder">pumpkinangel</em> wrote:</div>&lt;p&gt;&lt;blockquote class="quote-msg quote-nest-1 odd"&gt;&lt;div class="quote-author"&gt;&lt;em class="placeholder"&gt;litlmiss_cantbewrong&lt;/em&gt; wrote:&lt;/div&gt;&amp;lt;p&amp;gt;&amp;lt;blockquote class="quote-msg quote-nest-1 odd"&amp;gt;&amp;lt;div class="quote-author"&amp;gt;&amp;lt;em class="placeholder"&amp;gt;jamblessedthree&amp;lt;/em&amp;gt; wrote:&amp;lt;/div&amp;gt;I can't imagine a child willfully chosing to not have a relationship with a grandparent. I have wonderful memories of my grandmother, Those aren't b/c of my parents or my siblings or anybody else, Lol. I think grandparents have the power to really form that with young children. This idea that a child show that, what is it a child is doing to form that, etc. seems odd to me.&amp;lt;/blockquote&amp;gt;&amp;lt;/p&amp;gt;&amp;lt;p&amp;gt;I think when children are small, it is definiately on the grandparent to make an effort to form and keep the relationship.  If they can't be bothered then not much of a relationship develops.  But as they get to teens, the children can take some effort to continue the relationship.  At the least to call grandparents (or write notes) to thank them for gifts sent by mail. &amp;lt;/p&amp;gt;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;My children have a relationship with their grandparents where I'm not really involved, they talk and communicate with each other and have for years without me.  They have developed their relationship together, just as I did as a child with my relatives.&lt;/p&gt;</blockquote></p><p>Tangential thought:   I was thinking how sometimes my kids will text my mom and I don't even know about the conversation. I love that.    but then that made me think about how my kids will sometimes have a conversation, via text or FB or whatever, with *MY* friends, or with the parents of their friends.  By the same token, I have conversations with my kids' friends.   I love that we're all able to form our own individual relationships, even though that relationshipt started through someone else.</p>

I love that and totally agree!  I think it is funny that one of my kids talks to my brother way more than I do, lol.

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 4:24pm

litlmiss_cantbewrong wrote:
<p><blockquote class="quote-msg quote-nest-1 odd"><div class="quote-author"><em class="placeholder">pumpkinangel</em> wrote:</div>&lt;p&gt;&lt;blockquote class="quote-msg quote-nest-1 odd"&gt;&lt;div class="quote-author"&gt;&lt;em class="placeholder"&gt;litlmiss_cantbewrong&lt;/em&gt; wrote:&lt;/div&gt;&amp;lt;p&amp;gt;&amp;lt;blockquote class="quote-msg quote-nest-1 odd"&amp;gt;&amp;lt;div class="quote-author"&amp;gt;&amp;lt;em class="placeholder"&amp;gt;jamblessedthree&amp;lt;/em&amp;gt; wrote:&amp;lt;/div&amp;gt;I can't imagine a child willfully chosing to not have a relationship with a grandparent. I have wonderful memories of my grandmother, Those aren't b/c of my parents or my siblings or anybody else, Lol. I think grandparents have the power to really form that with young children. This idea that a child show that, what is it a child is doing to form that, etc. seems odd to me.&amp;lt;/blockquote&amp;gt;&amp;lt;/p&amp;gt;&amp;lt;p&amp;gt;I think when children are small, it is definiately on the grandparent to make an effort to form and keep the relationship.  If they can't be bothered then not much of a relationship develops.  But as they get to teens, the children can take some effort to continue the relationship.  At the least to call grandparents (or write notes) to thank them for gifts sent by mail. &amp;lt;/p&amp;gt;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;My children have a relationship with their grandparents where I'm not really involved, they talk and communicate with each other and have for years without me.  They have developed their relationship together, just as I did as a child with my relatives.&lt;/p&gt;</blockquote></p><p>Yes my mom had to learn how to text, so she can keep up with my kids.  : )   They just all talk &amp; text directly now.  </p>

My parents did the same thing, to talk to my kids and the other grandkids.  

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2013
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 4:25pm

Sure you can, if a older child or teen wants a relationship with a realtive, why on earth couldn't they make the effort first?

I never said otherwise. I would think in most cases that there was a reason why they didn't have one in the first place and it is usually the adults fault and never wanted to have one.

I would highly encourage my teens to make the effort if they wished for a relationship that they don't have already. You betcha, I would support and encourage them to reach out and make the effort, in a heart beat....and that is regardless of how "I" personally felt about the person. But then again, my kids don't really know if I have a negative view of any of their/our relatives.

Neither do mine and this person is basically a stranger to them, BECAUSE of the actions of that person, not THEM.

A child should not be treated like an adult and an adult should be putting a child FIRST over their own selfish needs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2013
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 4:26pm

Yes my mom had to learn how to text, so she can keep up with my kids.  : )   They just all talk & text directly now. 

My mom does not text but my kids will pick up the phone or email her at any time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2010
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 4:36pm

blackandwhitemolly wrote:
<div><div><div><div><p>So what does your dh say when you mil starts in on whatever it is that she starts in on?  Ignore her?  Walk way? Change the subject? Throw her out of your house?  I thought you didn't see this person who brings up this problem every few months, but now it's your mil who comes to your house on these occasions.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;pI think you need to re-read my posts too as I never said she comes to my house on these occasions.  <strong>You definitely had a post that mentioned your house was small and you couldn't avoid hearing.  That's what made me think that she might be coming to your house.  Because you mentioned it.</strong></p><p><strong>Yes, on the phone<br /></strong></p><p>She has been at my house I think 2 times in the last 16 years, maybe about 10 years ago was the last time. She has met my ds ONCE. I think she has seen my dd 3 times. At 1 1/2, at 3 and then around 6 or 7 years old</p><p>What are you doing while she is in your house talking to your dh?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;See above&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;I think your dh needs to quit defending you and tell her to leave when she starts in and not engage "my wife is not that bad" or "my wife never did that" or whatever.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;When did I say that is what he did. I didn't and you are making things up.  <strong>Yes those were examples/guesses of what me might be saying.  I never made up that he did, I added "or whatever"</strong></p><p><strong>Yes, guesses as you are not there to actually know and I HAVE explained it a few times.<br /></strong></p><p>&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Literally with this person my dh would have kicked her out the first time and told her not to come back until she can act decently and not bring up crap.  And you know my dh if from your people, lol. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;MY people? What does that even mean? I would not categorize myself as the same as my MIL and I would appreciated no one else did either.</p><p><strong>Um yes your people as in you know my dh is ALSO from Long Island his family is ALSO Italian and you mentioned stubborn Italians.  That did not mean that everyone is like your mil. </strong></p><p><strong>I guess I will categorize everyone from Alaska as "your people" too then? Or would I do that from where you came from and not where you live? She doesn't live near me anymore. Sigh...<br /></strong></p></div></div></div></div>

Yes I do read, you were talking about someone who's bad bringing it up to someone every few months & sometimes phones were involved.  Now later in the thread you've said your mil & dh.  Ok, then you talk about your house & smallness, so I guessed wrong.  You didn't answer the question about how your dh defends you. 

There is definitately a culture difference in different parts of the country, your part included.  My dh talks to and deals with people differently here than there.  

“Clearly," said Arthur,"you're an idiot- but you're our kind of idiot. Come on.” 
― Markus ZusakThe Book Thief

Avatar for jamblessedthree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2001
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 4:38pm

That is so funny, You'd never see a cell phone in my dad's hand or him texting, Lol. But I marvel at his interest in my kid's school work, esp pre-calculus b/c he used to teach it, She is carrying an A in it but I've encouraged her to pick up the phone and still call him for some tips and advice. 

 

 

Avatar for jamblessedthree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2001
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 4:38pm

blackandwhitemolly wrote:
<p>Yes my mom had to learn how to text, so she can keep up with my kids.  : )   They just all talk &amp; text directly now. </p><p><strong>My mom does not text but my kids will pick up the phone or email her at any time.</strong> </p>

Neither does my dad.  He used to email and I wish he still did. 

 

 

Avatar for savcal2011
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 4:39pm

pumpkinangel wrote:
<p><blockquote class="quote-msg quote-nest-1 odd"><div class="quote-author"><em class="placeholder">savcal2011</em> wrote:</div>&lt;p&gt;&lt;blockquote class="quote-msg quote-nest-1 odd"&gt;&lt;div class="quote-author"&gt;&lt;em class="placeholder"&gt;pumpkinangel&lt;/em&gt; wrote:&lt;/div&gt;&amp;lt;p&amp;gt;&amp;lt;blockquote class="quote-msg quote-nest-1 odd"&amp;gt;&amp;lt;div class="quote-author"&amp;gt;&amp;lt;em class="placeholder"&amp;gt;litlmiss_cantbewrong&amp;lt;/em&amp;gt; wrote:&amp;lt;/div&amp;gt;&amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;lt;blockquote class="quote-msg quote-nest-1 odd"&amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;lt;div class="quote-author"&amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;lt;em class="placeholder"&amp;amp;gt;jamblessedthree&amp;amp;lt;/em&amp;amp;gt; wrote:&amp;amp;lt;/div&amp;amp;gt;I can't imagine a child willfully chosing to not have a relationship with a grandparent. I have wonderful memories of my grandmother, Those aren't b/c of my parents or my siblings or anybody else, Lol. I think grandparents have the power to really form that with young children. This idea that a child show that, what is it a child is doing to form that, etc. seems odd to me.&amp;amp;lt;/blockquote&amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;gt;I think when children are small, it is definiately on the grandparent to make an effort to form and keep the relationship.  If they can't be bothered then not much of a relationship develops.  But as they get to teens, the children can take some effort to continue the relationship.  At the least to call grandparents (or write notes) to thank them for gifts sent by mail. &amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;gt;&amp;lt;/blockquote&amp;gt;&amp;lt;/p&amp;gt;&amp;lt;p&amp;gt;My children have a relationship with their grandparents where I'm not really involved, they talk and communicate with each other and have for years without me.  They have developed their relationship together, just as I did as a child with my relatives.&amp;lt;/p&amp;gt;&lt;/blockquote&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Tangential thought:   I was thinking how sometimes my kids will text my mom and I don't even know about the conversation. I love that.    but then that made me think about how my kids will sometimes have a conversation, via text or FB or whatever, with *MY* friends, or with the parents of their friends.  By the same token, I have conversations with my kids' friends.   I love that we're all able to form our own individual relationships, even though that relationshipt started through someone else.&lt;/p&gt;</blockquote></p><p>I love that and totally agree!  I think it is funny that one of my kids talks to my brother way more than I do, lol.</p>

I'm having lunch with The Girl's two best friends next week. Without The Girl. 

"I don’t mind a banshee, that’s fine. 2 banshees? I HATE you. I actually wish bad things upon you." -- Day[9] Daily #459 P1

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2010
Thu, 10-09-2014 - 4:40pm

blackandwhitemolly wrote:
<p>Sure you can, if a older child or teen wants a relationship with a realtive, why on earth couldn't they make the effort first?</p><p><strong>I never said otherwise. I would think in most cases that there was a reason why they didn't have one in the first place and it is usually the adults fault and never wanted to have one.</strong> </p><p>I would highly encourage my teens to make the effort if they wished for a relationship that they don't have already. You betcha, I would support and encourage them to reach out and make the effort, in a heart beat....and that is regardless of how "I" personally felt about the person. But then again, my kids don't really know if I have a negative view of any of their/our relatives.</p><p><strong>Neither do mine and this person is basically a stranger to them, BECAUSE of the actions of that person, not THEM. </strong></p><p><strong>A child should not be treated like an adult and an adult should be putting a child FIRST over their own selfish needs.</strong> </p>

I don't think PA ever said a child should be treated like an adult.  But as children grow into teens and adults they have more responsiblity to continue the relationship--if they have one.  And if they do not, there are plenty of adults who seek out relatives from a side of the family they were shut out of due to divorce or distance or problems because they feel the need to get to know other family members.  That may never happen with your kids, but they "might" want to and it would be their responsiblity as adults to do that.

“Clearly," said Arthur,"you're an idiot- but you're our kind of idiot. Come on.” 
― Markus ZusakThe Book Thief

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