Thorn in your side Tuesday

Avatar for jamblessedthree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2001
Thorn in your side Tuesday
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Tue, 10-07-2014 - 9:40am

Admit it, There's always going to be somebody, something or something somebody does or says that bothers you.  When that happens how do you deal with it 

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2013
Fri, 10-10-2014 - 1:48pm

<<I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and did with her in the beginning and many times in the past 20 something years. I wouldn't tell my kids they can't have a relationship but they have not been interested as of yet as they don't know her and I WOULD protect my kids at every cost so, yes, they TRULY wanted this, I WOULD discourage them. I would rather not go into why so please do NOT ask me and please do not go on and on about it and how horrible I am. >>

I get that you don't want them to have a relationship with these relatives, that is your choice of course and I don't think you are horrible....but that doesn't change the fact that in general older kids can make the efffort first with adult relatives which was the topic of conversation.  I wouldn't protect my kids at all costs, especially as they get older, they need to learn about relationships on their own, without my interference.  

I am not protecting them from the relationship.

<<We don't talk in front of the kids with certain matters. It CAN be done. You have never talked with your dh about important things without the kids hearing?>>

Of course, but then I'm not the one claiming that I have such a small house that it's easy to overhear what is being said on the telephone, you are.  

And I never claimed the kids were even THERE when these conversations went on so you are basically making assumptions.

<<You really don't get it. Some adults are VERY selfish and only think about themselves. Grandparents USUALLY think of their grandkids FIRST, not themselves.>>

No, I get it and actually I see it a bit in your posts.   Aren't you thinking of yourself when you say that you would discourage a relationship with some relatives?  Not that I blame you or think you are horrible for that or anything, but aren't you basing your reasons on what they did to you?

No, I am thinking ONLY of my kids who could be very much hurt and not just emotionally.

I will tell you that my parents think of themselves first, they have a great relationship with my kids, but they do think of themselves first and foremost, as they should.  I don't want them placing the wants of my kids before their needs or anything....

You are really not getting it. Thinking of themselves meaning being selfish. Say (and this is not a real example that has happened to my children) both your parents and your children are hungry and they know they are hungry. Would they eat right in front of them without offering food or take the last bit of something when the child asked for it? 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Fri, 10-10-2014 - 3:12pm

<<I am not protecting them from the relationship. >>

Did you read your last post that said you would descourage them even if they truly wanted a realationship with them and you would protect them at all costs?  We are only talking about relationships here, older children seeking out relationships with relatives that they haven't previously been in contact with.  Relationships was the subject, so if you are protecting them against something other than a relationship, then that isn't relevant.

<<And I never claimed the kids were even THERE when these conversations went on so you are basically making assumptions.>>

No, I'm going by your....you don't know how small my house is so much so that I can hear telephone conversations when you aren't on the telephone.  You need to pick a point here, if you and your dh can have a conversation without the kids overhearing, then your dh and his mother can as well...and it sounds like he needs to keep the context of the telephone conversations private since they causes issues.

<<No, I am thinking ONLY of my kids who could be very much hurt and not just emotionally.>>

You just said above that you weren't protecting them from the relationship, now you are?

<<You are really not getting it. Thinking of themselves meaning being selfish. Say (and this is not a real example that has happened to my children) both your parents and your children are hungry and they know they are hungry. Would they eat right in front of them without offering food or take the last bit of something when the child asked for it?  >>

I thought you didn't do hypothetical questions?  Get back to me when you have a real example.


PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2013
Fri, 10-10-2014 - 3:32pm

<<I am not protecting them from the relationship. >>

Did you read your last post that said you would descourage them even if they truly wanted a realationship with them and you would protect them at all costs?  We are only talking about relationships here, older children seeking out relationships with relatives that they haven't previously been in contact with.  Relationships was the subject, so if you are protecting them against something other than a relationship, then that isn't relevant.

Yes and again, it would be a relationship that would not turn out good no matter how hard they would try.

<<And I never claimed the kids were even THERE when these conversations went on so you are basically making assumptions.>>

No, I'm going by your....you don't know how small my house is so much so that I can hear telephone conversations when you aren't on the telephone.  You need to pick a point here, if you and your dh can have a conversation without the kids overhearing, then your dh and his mother can as well...and it sounds like he needs to keep the context of the telephone conversations private since they causes issues.

The kids are not THERE, that is why they don't hear it.

<<No, I am thinking ONLY of my kids who could be very much hurt and not just emotionally.>>

You just said above that you weren't protecting them from the relationship, now you are?

Yes, a relationship that could harm them.

<<You are really not getting it. Thinking of themselves meaning being selfish. Say (and this is not a real example that has happened to my children) both your parents and your children are hungry and they know they are hungry. Would they eat right in front of them without offering food or take the last bit of something when the child asked for it?  >>

I thought you didn't do hypothetical questions?  Get back to me when you have a real example.

So you can't answer that one? Well that actually happened to me and her and while I was not a child, she sat there and ate right in front of me, an ENTIRE pizza without asking once if I would like a slice even after asking if we had eaten and we said no, but we are hungry. We were old enough to get our own food though so it was no big deal to do that but she did it out of spite.

Real one with the kids. Not doing anything for the kids birthdays or christmas but when you mention that their bday is coming up on such a such day (as she has no clue when their bdays are), you are told, so, what about MY bday. I don't know but I would think a grandparent, who says they WANT to have a relationship with a child would at least acknowledge the child's bday or any other special day and NOT be concerned about THEMSELVES first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2010
Fri, 10-10-2014 - 3:38pm

jamblessedthree wrote:
<p><em>Nobody said anything about treating a child like an adult.</em></p><p><em><strong>I just did. An adult should act like an adult, not like a child. The child shouldn't be the one who has to act like an adult.</strong></em></p><p>In my MIL's defense, She lived a hard life and was forced to grow up pretty fast, How is somebody going to know how to treat a child that didn't have a childhood themselves is something I sometimes fall back on about her...  But I get you, I remember the excitement my kids got in travels to Maine and climbing the mountains, tons of questions and so forth, That stuff bothered her to no end and she'd roll her eyes and ignore the curiosity..  I did once stand up for my kids and said they were just being kid at her snark once.  But it truly is that kind of attitude - and iwth children - that describes the kind of company I don't like my kids around.  Kids aren't born adults nor should they be placed in adult roles too soon either. </p>

So would you describe her as "Rough around the edges"?  Is she socially inept or she just doesn't like that you married her son?

“Clearly," said Arthur,"you're an idiot- but you're our kind of idiot. Come on.” 
― Markus ZusakThe Book Thief

Avatar for jamblessedthree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2001
Fri, 10-10-2014 - 3:39pm

Nobody said anything about treating a child like an adult.

I just did. An adult should act like an adult, not like a child. The child shouldn't be the one who has to act like an adult.

In my MIL's defense, She lived a hard life and was forced to grow up pretty fast, How is somebody going to know how to treat a child that didn't have a childhood themselves is something I sometimes fall back on about her...  But I get you, I remember the excitement my kids got in travels to Maine and climbing the mountains, tons of questions and so forth, That stuff bothered her to no end and she'd roll her eyes and ignore the curiosity..  I've stood up for my kids and said they were just being kid at her snark once.  But it truly is that kind of attitude - and iwth children - that describes the kind of company I don't like my kids around.  Kids aren't born adults nor should they be placed in adult roles too soon either. 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2013
Fri, 10-10-2014 - 3:45pm

n my MIL's defense, She lived a hard life and was forced to grow up pretty fast, How is somebody going to know how to treat a child that didn't have a childhood themselves is something I sometimes fall back on about her... 

Yep my MIL had her kids very young BUT that was HER choice. Unfortunately you need to grow up at that point and lay in the bed you made.

But I get you, I remember the excitement my kids got in travels to Maine and climbing the mountains, tons of questions and so forth, That stuff bothered her to no end and she'd roll her eyes and ignore the curiosity..  I've stood up for my kids and said they were just being kid at her snark once.  But it truly is that kind of attitude - and iwth children - that describes the kind of company I don't like my kids around. 

Kids aren't born adults nor should they be placed in adult roles too soon either.

I agree.

Avatar for jamblessedthree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2001
Fri, 10-10-2014 - 3:59pm

litlmiss_cantbewrong wrote:
<p><blockquote class="quote-msg quote-nest-1 odd"><div class="quote-author"><em class="placeholder">jamblessedthree</em> wrote:</div>&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;Nobody said anything about treating a child like an adult.&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;I just did. An adult should act like an adult, not like a child. The child shouldn't be the one who has to act like an adult.&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;In my MIL's defense, She lived a hard life and was forced to grow up pretty fast, How is somebody going to know how to treat a child that didn't have a childhood themselves is something I sometimes fall back on about her...  But I get you, I remember the excitement my kids got in travels to Maine and climbing the mountains, tons of questions and so forth, That stuff bothered her to no end and she'd roll her eyes and ignore the curiosity..  I did once stand up for my kids and said they were just being kid at her snark once.  But it truly is that kind of attitude - and iwth children - that describes the kind of company I don't like my kids around.  Kids aren't born adults nor should they be placed in adult roles too soon either. &lt;/p&gt;</blockquote></p><p>So would you describe her as "Rough around the edges"?  Is she socially inept or she just doesn't like that you married her son?</p>

Lol!

 

 

Avatar for jamblessedthree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2001
Fri, 10-10-2014 - 4:10pm

n my MIL's defense, She lived a hard life and was forced to grow up pretty fast, How is somebody going to know how to treat a child that didn't have a childhood themselves is something I sometimes fall back on about her... 

Yep my MIL had her kids very young BUT that was HER choice. Unfortunately you need to grow up at that point and lay in the bed you made.

Rofl, I was 37 when I got pg with DS and she told me I was too old. 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Fri, 10-10-2014 - 4:35pm

<<Yes and again, it would be a relationship that would not turn out good no matter how hard they would try. >>

So you are protecting them from the relationship, which I get...but why on earth would you say something totally different?

<<The kids are not THERE, that is why they don't hear it.>>

It sounds like you need to not be there when he talks to his mom and he needs to keep what she says to himself, he is just adding fuel to the fire.

<<You just said above that you weren't protecting them from the relationship, now you are?

Yes, a relationship that could harm them.>>

Yes, I get that....what I don't get is why you said the opposite in the same post.  

<<So you can't answer that one? Well that actually happened to me and her and while I was not a child, she sat there and ate right in front of me, an ENTIRE pizza without asking once if I would like a slice even after asking if we had eaten and we said no, but we are hungry. We were old enough to get our own food though so it was no big deal to do that but she did it out of spite.>>

Well clearly it's a big deal since you are still talking about it 20 years later, you were old enough to get your own food, why would she need to give you some of hers?   Sheesh, 20 years and you are still upset over a pizza.  While what she did was a bit rude, you holding onto it for decades is quite sad.

<<Real one with the kids. Not doing anything for the kids birthdays or christmas but when you mention that their bday is coming up on such a such day (as she has no clue when their bdays are), you are told, so, what about MY bday. I don't know but I would think a grandparent, who says they WANT to have a relationship with a child would at least acknowledge the child's bday or any other special day and NOT be concerned about THEMSELVES first.>>

So?  There isn't a law or rule that requires family members to recognize birthdays and Christmas.  OH my, you are actually keeping score over pizza and gifts.  

Therapy, you need therapy to help you get past this stuff.  



PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Fri, 10-10-2014 - 4:38pm

jamblessedthree wrote:
<p><em>Nobody said anything about treating a child like an adult.</em></p><p><em><strong>I just did. An adult should act like an adult, not like a child. The child shouldn't be the one who has to act like an adult.</strong></em></p><p>In my MIL's defense, She lived a hard life and was forced to grow up pretty fast, How is somebody going to know how to treat a child that didn't have a childhood themselves is something I sometimes fall back on about her...  But I get you, I remember the excitement my kids got in travels to Maine and climbing the mountains, tons of questions and so forth, That stuff bothered her to no end and she'd roll her eyes and ignore the curiosity..  I've stood up for my kids and said they were just being kid at her snark once.  But it truly is that kind of attitude - and iwth children - that describes the kind of company I don't like my kids around.  Kids aren't born adults nor should they be placed in adult roles too soon either. </p>

Learning how to develop relationships isn't an adult thing, ime....relationships start at birth.

PumpkinAngel

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