Toddler discipline
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| Fri, 10-29-2004 - 9:18am |
I was NOT going to be a parent who spanked...and then this horrible toddler-itis reared it's ugly head and I just don't know what to do! I am looking for advice, anything that *works*.
Scenario: Aspen's been kicking me during diaper changes since before Vivi was born. She's too big for the changing table, so changes take place on the floor or the bed and she is always kicking all over the place. So, for months, I've been working with the firm "NO!" and holding her legs still. That worked for a little while. Then, it was "No, you are hurting mommy." That never seemed to get through. So, yesterday, I told her, "Stop kicking or I'm going to spank your bottom." and she wouldn't stop so I swatted her one. She cried and I felt nothing but a rush of confusion...."What am I doing? She's just going to learn to hit! I am awful!" And on and on.
I seriously cannot think of anything else to do! It's not the kicking itself that's a major problem...it's that she is willfully, knowingly, still kicking when told not to. I know she is just asserting herself, but she needs to learn to listen, right? I can't put her in "timeout" (because where would I put her? In her crib? Do I want her to associate the crib with punishment?) I can't take away a toy because the value/association is not there yet.
Need advice! I am SUCH a newbie! Dh and I are both like, "What do we do?" We don't know! Oh, life was a lot easier for my parents! Just spank 'em and be done...none of this all-consuming self-doubt.
Meldi

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You know what. I just might have passed on your messy dh. I had a husband and sister and a father and a mother and two roomates and a room full of dormmates and several almost co-habitating boyfriends before I tripped over my husband. He's not the housekeeper I am. However. Neither is anyone else. Even my neat as pins mom doesn't do neat my way and we still irriate each other with housekeeping priorities. A roomate, a father and a sister on the disaster end of the spectrum taught me alot about what I would have to deal with if I picked one of those for a husband.
Jenna
For me, I wanted what seemed to be typical - children who sleep through the night at 5/6 months without waking to breastfeed. Obviously, a lot of children sleep thru the night much, much earlier too. It was a problem to be solved. I solved it with Ferber, and I don't think you have the stomach for that. But, I admit I wanted what seemed average.
In the same way, if my 4 yr-old didn't seem interested in learning her numbers or letters, I would've pushed her to learn them. If I let her do it on her own, she would've learned them eventually, but I just wanted what she was capable of.
I feel differently. If one of my children needs me in the night because they need comforting for whatever reason (nightmare, loneliness, sudden fear etc.) I will provide that comforting. Sometimes I cuddled them and tucked them back into their own bed, sometimes they asked to come into our bed. Co-sleeping was never a critical part of our parenting philosphy. When it came to where everyone should sleep we followed a pretty basic rule: where everyone sleeps best is where everyone should sleep. That meant a fairly flexible approach with a combination of the kids sleeping in their own beds as well as in our bed. The only fairly firm rule we stuck to in terms of location was that the kids should start out the night in their own beds, mostly because dh and I usually read in bed together for a while before going to sleep and that was (and is) a very important part of our private time together. Even then, we always made exceptions to that rule in case of illness or other issues and we never had to leave them to CIO for them to be quite amenable to this rule. Once everyone was ready to actually sleep, it didn't matter a whole lot who slept where as long as everyone was comfortable.
Laura
Edited 11/3/2004 4:35 pm ET ET by laura_w2
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I think a lot of my friends who co-sleep have pre-schoolers with a pattern of starting out in their own beds, but fully waking around 1 or 2 a.m. sufficiently to walk down to mom and dad's bed for the rest of the night. That is waking without a "real" reason. It's avoidable. I think it becomes more of a habit than a real need or a fear or something.
I know I missed out on a bit of bonding by never co-sleeping. But, I didn't want to start co-sleeping knowing I would want what we have now - everyone in her own bed the whole night.
Karen
"A pocketknife is like a melody;sharp in some places,
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