would give almost anything to be a SAHM

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
would give almost anything to be a SAHM
325
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 2:33pm
When I was younger, before having kids, I always knew that when I got married and had kids, I would stay at home and raise them. I feel strongly about that because I remember how nice it was as a child having my Mom home with us. Anywho, when I finally did get married and had kids, my husband agreed that he wanted me to be with them. Unfortuately, we are know separated. We have a 3 1/2 and a 1 1/2 year old and I am struggling to continue to be with my kids. I am currently living with my sister rent free. This is the only reason I have been able to stay home with my kids so far since the seperation. I am on a waiting list for housing and as soon as we reach the top I will be responsible for rent, utilities and much more. After we move, I will be able to watch my nephew during the day while his Mom works but she can only pay me just over $400 a month. After budgeting that and child support as my income, I am $600 over my budget. I have a nice size car payment and the judge stuck me with the credit card bill.(even though my soon to be ex was the only one to use it and that was for rifles, hunting and fishing licenses and trips. None of which I got to go on) My credit is screwed because I haven't been able to keep my credit card bill current. So I tried to file for bankruptcy and was told that I couldn't do it in the state I live now because I would have to remain a resident for 6 months after the filing. Which I can't because I have to move to WI(part of the custody agreement) in a few months. I can't file in WI until I have been there three months so basically, I'm screwed. I don't mind being poor if it means I can stay home with my kids but I have to be able to support them at the same time. I hope to take care of friend of a friend's baby but it won't born until June. That will bring in a littl more money. I have been racking my brain trying to figure out different things I can do to save money. I started making my own laundry detergent, switched my son to cloth diapers, limit my driving time to save gas and so on.

That's how important I think it is to raise my own kids. At least until my youngest is 3 or so which then I would put him in preschool part-time for socialization. Then I could get a job during the time he is in preschool. Which will be very hard to find, I'm sure. It will be easier when both my kids are school age. But until then I will fight to be with my kids.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 2:43pm
This is a debate board. Did you put this out here for us to debate your situation or are you looking for support? If you're looking for support, I suggest you visit a support board.

That said, I'm sorry your life sucks right now, but your post was a little judgemental, don't you think? Mothers who WOH are still mothers, and they're still raising their kids. I'm a SAHM, but I'd sure as heck go back to work if I was in a situation like you are. I'd rather my kids have their needs met and know where their next meal was coming from than have my kids think MY constant presence was more important than meeting THEIR needs.

Give me a break. Get off your high horse and get a freaking job.

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 3:11pm
I think it is great to have a plan - like you did - that meets with your ideals and circumstances. However, once your circumstances change it is often necessary to re-evaluate and priortize. I am an advocate of SAH while kids are very young - when it is feasible. In your case it is not feasible. I cannot imagine free loading off a relative to enable to me to not work. I'd be far more concerned with providing my children with a home and 3 squares than being a SAHM. I know it isn't easy to put your children in *othercare*, but they need a home and basic neccessities far more than they need mommy at home with them. All I can think is shame on you. If I were your soon to be ex, I'd be fighting for custody. If you can't afford to feed them, maybe you aren't the best parent to have custody of them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 7:30pm
Whoa! First of all,in reference to the first reply, I NEVER said that WOHMs were any less of a mother than SAHMs. I was simply trying to be part of this debate and let everyone know how I feel on this particular subject. I know that there are situations where Moms have to work outside of the home and I don't think any less of them. I also know that there are Moms who have kids for social reasons and work outside the home because they don't want to be with them. I've worked in daycare for the better part of 10 years and I have seen a lot of that. As I said before, I plan to take care of other children as my source of income. My kids have never been hungry, nor would I ever let that happen. I just want to try everything I can to keep them from full time daycare. I don't get a second chance with their early childhood.

Second, I don't consider myself a "freeloader" because my sister(God Bless her) knew about what was going on in our marriage and INVITED me and the kids to live with her until everything got sorted out. And she is not the only one. My parents and my sis-in-law also INVITED us to stay with them. So now that the judge has given us temp. orders, things are starting to get sorted out and I know what we need to do. My sister and I are extremly close and she would not have a problem with telling me if she thought I was freeloading.

Third, the comment about my husband should fight me for custody, yea, like I said MY KIDS HAVE NEVER AND WILL NEVER GO HUNGRY. If they were with him, well let's just say the kids are nowhere near the top of his priority list. I don't even want to think about where or what kind of condition my kids would be in both physically and mentally. So would I rather them be scarred for life or live poor ...I don't know about you but I pick the latter.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 8:49pm
My point was and remains to be, that while it is (IMO) ideal for a child to have a SAHP, particularly for the first few years, when circumstances change sometimes the ideals have to as well. I understand that your children have or never will go hungry - thanks to your sister. If you are able to open a dayhome facility and WAH, that is great. I wish you well. I think it is wrong for a parent to SAH no matter what though. That is my point. If a parent cannot afford to SAH, and if she is not able to find work that she can perform AH, then she must go to work. There are plenty of ways to make money by WAH. I hope you find a way to make it work for you and your children. I am sorry their father is not a good father. I was fortunate in that I chose a good man with whom to procreate. If we were to separate, I cannot say that my children would be better off with me. I know he loves and cares for them as much as I do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 8:57pm
Preach it, sistahhhhh!! ITA!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 9:40pm
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i just thought i would let you know that, as a full-time wohm with kids that were in full-time dc, i was, am and will be (always) the one to raise my own kids. we've used all forms of childcare and NONE has ever come close to providing for all their social, emotional, health, eduational, religious/spiritual needs. and i was PLENTY able to do that AND hold a job.

One of the added benefits of continuing to work was building up seniority and yearly salary increases and having health insurance. In some jobs you also build up vacation time too (not teaching because our days are fairly well set).

I realize that you've entrenched yourself in the "sahm is the only way to raise kids", but just maybe it's time to expand your thinking just a bit.

eileen

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 6:29am

So if you WOH you either have to or you just had kids for "social reasons" and don't want to be with them?

 

Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 7:01am
Part of being a parent is doing whatever it takes to provide for your kids. Sounds to me like it's time to suck it up and get a job.
Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 7:08am

Here's the part that doesn't make sense to me. You believe it's important for your children to have a SAHM, yet you intend to WAH as a daycare provider for other people's children. So how are your children in any different situation from the children you are caring for?


Either othercare is fine, or you're going to be treating your own children differently than the other children in your care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 7:20am
The difference between my children and the other children I would be caring for is the simple fact that I am there with them. Which is what I am trying to do. Yes I am going to treat them differently because they are my kids and I have my own ways of dealing with certain issues with them(like discipline, bedtime routines, etc...) that may not work for the other children. They are not used to what my kids are. I would do whatever the parent would tell me to do in those situations.

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