Would never marry a divorce person?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Would never marry a divorce person?
29
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 3:49pm

As I look at my barren, non dating grieving world, I have been thinking about dating and what type of man I would want to date. I have not really solidified my dating list because it is all so new and plus you never know who is going to pop up. I don't want to limit myself.


Here are my thoughts:


1. I want someone who is widowed or who has been married. I think it would be really hard to step into a situation like mine without a prior serious relationship.


2. I would prefer someone with no children or really young children. I think it would be hard to step into a step mothering situation with a child older than 7 or 8 (esp. a girl)


3. I don't want someone much younger and would prefer a man in his thirties or older.

"I do not want to be a princess! I want to be myself"

Mallory (age 3)

      &nbs

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 4:15pm
try this....SingleParentMeet.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 4:25pm
You know Kristi--my sister's complaint about men our age who aren't already married is that they've either got committment issues or other "baggage." You know though, she's got an ex who I love who might be a good fit for you--when you're ready. He's very artistic, good looking, and (most important, I think) AMAZING w/kids. He LOVES DS and has earned "Uncle" status, despite the fact that he and my sis are just friends now. Heck of a guy. Divorced (as is my sister)...just married too young.

You know tho--my sister has run into that quite a bit. People don't want a divorcee b/c they see them as "damaged goods." The whole "well, if they were that great then why are they divorced?" thing. Of course, my sister is divorced b/c her ex knocked up a bartender and left her and she's pretty great (most of the time)--but that line of thinking does exist. Even my sister has said it now and again b/c she just doesn't trust her judgement re: men anymore.

I know quite a few nice guys who are single tho--just haven't met the right girl yet.

GL! Just my ramblings...C

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 4:26pm

I don't know if I am ready to date yet. I am whining but I just feel alone. I just don't have the energy for a relationship, though.


My family, as with everything, is up in arms. It is too soon...I should be concentrating on grieving. I am rushing. What? I didn't start grieving on 12-27. I started grieving when I first found he had cancer, when we found out that he had three tumors and when the three tumors went to four with him on chemo. I was really pissed when my sister started in about it. There is no proper grieving time and I finally told her that when she was widowed after a long, long illness that affected her spouse's bodily functions, she could wait a year to date. I was ready for some companionship. Now I am mad again. Stupid interfering family.


"I do not want to be a princess! I want to be myself"

Mallory (age 3)

      &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 4:36pm

Several bits of advice here from a recently barren, non-dating, kinda-grieving single woman ...


Don't make the "list". Don't think about what you would or would not do. Just take the people you meet as they are ... if there is a connection, then explore further.

Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color.  Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 4:51pm
((((Kristi))))) My bio mom started dating her now-husband a few months after his first wife's death. She was a bit taken aback when he asked her out, but he told her that he'd been grieving for so long throughout her final years w/her illness (MS) that he didn't start grieving when she died.

Anyone who has lost anyone close to them should know that grieving usually begins during the "terminal" diagnosis...not when the person actually dies. And shame on your sister for judging you, anyway. MIL MARRIED FIL not 2 years after her 1st DH passed away unexpectedly. Just b/c your life goes on doesn't mean you've forgotten about Devin--quite the contrary--but you're entitled to have a LIFE for crying out loud.

Hugs, C

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 4:58pm
That seems like a good list except for <<2. I would prefer someone with no children or really young children.>>

Its hard for me to imagine trying to start a life with someone who'd never had their own kids. I agree that taking on the schoolagers as step parent would be difficult - but not necessarily more difficult than taking on a serious relationship with someone who'd never been a parent - especially since you are a parent of a younger kids. I think it would be hard for someone without kids to really understand and adapt to the way kids fit into life. Imagine a 40 yr old guy who'd been married for like 10-15 yrs...and never had kids...living that adult lifestyle....its going to be difficult for him to get it, I'd think. You'll probably be better off with Tom, divorce, schoolagers and all, than with Brad, should he become available.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 5:10pm

Oh boy ... <>


SOOOO true. people say "what? you're in a relationship only a few weeks after your divorce?"


I didn't start healing the day the divorce was final. I didn't start healing the day I filed. I started healing when I found out about OW.


Be mad. Get out that anger. The more you get out now, the less will come bubbling up the future when you least expect, or want, it.


Just go with the flow. Do what feels right.

Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color.  Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 5:34pm
You're correct on step parenting. In one of my psych classes a couple of years back, we studied step parenting and one thing that stuck out with me was a statement that it takes as many years as a child is old at the time of the marriage to come to accept the step parent as an authority figure. My dss's were 4 and 9 when dh and I married. The 9 yo never made the adjustmetn. The 4 yo made the adjustment in short order. As a step mom, I'll second young step children. You're an intruder, no matter how nice, to older step children.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 6:32pm
aw hon, hugs to you. fwiw, there is a check-off box where you can indicate that you're looking for a friend, or even just a pen-pal. there seemed to be quite a few widowers on there.

eileen

Avatar for laurenmom2boys
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 7:43pm
My brother didn't meet his wife until he was almost 34. He didn't have committment issues or baggage, he was just a bit on the shy side and hadn't met anyone who he wanted to settle down with. Also, I never looked at my DH as "damaged goods" even though he was divorced. I realized after I got to know him that his ex was the one losing out on a great guy. Part of the reason they divorced was she decided after they got married she didn't want kids (they had agreed they'd have children together). I think that's one of the reasons DH wanted to start trying to have a family on our honeymoon. He didn't want to give me a chance to change my mind! LOL!

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