WWYD?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
WWYD?
3
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 2:39pm
I'm curious what y'all think of this situation.

My DH is MIL's stepson, I'm just prefacing things w/that. His biological mother is mentally ill/unstable and although MIL often says how she loves DH as much as her own (since I'm adopted, that term bugs the hell out of me anyway), he and I have both noticed "little things" that say otherwise. He's okay with it, but we're both getting bugged by her favoritism of "her" other grandkids.

My SIL (DN is three months old) is also a SAHM, so we talk on the phone every other day or so. Early last week she mentioned that MIL had called and offered to watch DN so she and BIL could go out. MIL has NEVER offered to watch DS, and in fact, when we asked once, she said no. Of course, they showed up here unannounced three hours later and offered to let us go out, but it was too late then. We've never asked again b/c my parents are more than happy to do it! But...Saturday afternoon (around 3pm) FIL calls DH's cell and asks if we want to go out--they'll watch DS. DH tells him he's too late--my parents and sister had DS--we were at a B&B (paid for by my family) for our anniversary (ILs didn't even remember our anniversary--SIGH). DH makes a smarta** comment about how they seem to spend a lot of time babysitting for DN, and FIL comes back with, "You've never asked..." Of course DH came right back with, "The only time we did, you guys said no...why would we ask again?" And FIL did some sputtering and that was the end of that.

But I'm just frustrated b/c I know MIL OFFERED to come up and watch DN, b/c SIL told me she did. SIL didn't ask, she didn't even really want to go out...I'm the one that encouraged her to do it. AND--that's not the only thing. My mom has had numerous surgeries since DS was born, ask me if ILs have ever offered to help w/DS during that...of course not. BUT, MIL took off work to come up and help SIL after DN was born...mind you--I was CRAZY w/PPD and in BFing hell when DS was born, no such offer was made to me. It p*sses me off, but I'd deal with it if I weren't afraid that DS is going to pick up on it when he's older. And then what do we say? Grandma likes them better b/c she gave birth to your uncle? WTF? That pretty much blows my whole family situation out of the water then since my mom didn't give birth to me!!!

Am I making sense? There are other things, she buys outfits and toys for the other ones all the time, DS only gets presents on holidays (which isn't that big of a deal to me b/c he's got more crap than I know what to do with anyway). Even the last time we were all down there, she had gotten all these baby toys out for DN--she NEVER did that for DS, if we wanted toys, we brought them. She's just so much more into the other ones, it really bothers me.

I'm afraid if we said anything, she'd just deny it or say we're being petty. My parents live very close so they're convenient babysitters and truthfully, I'd rather leave DS with them anyway, I'm just pissed at all the inquities b/c my parents have always made such an effort to NOT be like that my sister and me. DH wants to make plans and ask them to watch DS and if they say no, keep asking until they say "Yes" but that frustrates me b/c (1) I know SIL didn't HAVE to ask, MIL offered and (2) Why ask them and get turned down when my parents LOVE watching DS.

What do you think? C

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mygarnetboy
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 9:13am
I have nothing to offer except support - this really stinks, and I'm so sorry for your DH.

Felicia

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mygarnetboy
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 11:53pm
i know how you feel. my dh and his brothers are all born to their mom and she favors the oldest brother's children. always has. even when my dd calls them, mil asks my dd if she has talked to them. it enfuriates my dd, but i have pretty much resigned myself to focus on my own family. there isnt the warmth that i get from my family, so im tired of trying to "fit in", "get along" etc. i dont even try anymore. i went through the same junk you are for years and it gets to the point where its too tiring to care.

sorry to be negative, but that is just how i feel at this point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: mygarnetboy
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 5:32pm
We have a similar situation. Although I know it's hard to deal with favoritism, I think it DOES exist whether we like it or not. For example, my twin nephews are definately favored over my dd, by my mother. Likewise, my brother was definately favored over me, as I was adopted. I know it isn't entirely fair, but it's just a part of life. I myself favor certain relatives and friends, to others as well. I agree with you that most likely even if you brought up the subject, your MIL would probably deny that it was going on. I know my advice is probably not really what you want to hear, but in our case, I just accept the idea that people simply tend to favor certain people over others. Mind you, I'm not saying it's right, but I think it is an inevitable situation to an extent.