WWYD Bratty neighbor kid???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-1999
WWYD Bratty neighbor kid???
15
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 10:22pm
We have two neighbor girls who are the same age as our girls. They have always been rather bratty and manipulative, especially the older one. Their parents are divorced and they are usually here on the weekends. The older one is one of the most manipulative kid I've ever met.

Today, we returned home from a picnic and she had left an unbelievable message on the answering machine for DD. She said "You've not been home for two months and if you don't call me, I'm not sure I want to be your friend anymore." She continues to go on and on about how she's been trying to get a hold of her and that if she doesn't call back she won't be her friend, she is very angry, etc. etc.

I was furious. I just can't believe I'm hearing this type of manipulation from an 8 year old. It hasn't been two months, but 8 year-olds don't have a good sense of time. Yes we've been busy the last several weekends. There have been plenty of weekends when they are busy and aren't available to our kids either. It's just normal life stuff why they haven't seen each other in a few weeks.

It was pretty much water off DDs back, which is good, but I don't really want to support this kid's behavior. I told DD that I didn't think it was a good idea for her to go over there today. DH ended up taking them swimming anyway. When DH & I talked about it, I said that I felt I should call the dad and let him know what kind of message she left. I wouldn't be confrontational about it. I told DH that I wouldn't want DD to go over their today because that is just giving her what she wants. I really feel like this issue needs to be addressed.

What would you do? Would you tell the dad? Talk to the kid? Ignore it? Stop letting DD play with her?

DH said she probably has fears of loosing people because of her parents divorce. This may be true. But threatening someone into being your friend is not right, no matter how old you are.

I know the "I won't be your friend anymore" is pretty common at DD's age, but this kid is over the top. She will bring money and candy to our house for the purpose of bribing my kids to do things her way. If I hear it going on, I stop it and tell her she will have to go home if she continues. Once, she was hitting her little sister (Oh did I mention she is violent towards her?) My DDs were trying to get her to stop and yelled at her. She then pulls this, "You hurt my feelings because you yelled at me and I won't be your friend" crap. She has done mean things to my girls and when they tell her to stop, she pulls the you hurt my feelings, you need to apologize to me crap again. When I've caught her doing this, I tell her no, she is wrong and she needs to apologize to them. She usually just gives me this look like she can't believe a grown up is telling her no.

I don't know how many times I've sent her home for inappropriate behavior. I usually let the dad know what is going on. I try to be very diplomatic and not say "Your Kid....". I usually say that they've been fighting and I think it is time they spent some time apart. And he will say something to her like, You need to stop fighting.

My girls really like playing with these kids, (I'm not sure why). I'm really beginning to think that we shouldn't let them though. However, I also feel that we need to let the dad know why. I don't want to start a neighborhood feud. He is a nice guy. He's asked us to watch one or both of them before when he needs to run to the store, etc. After the divorce, he was going to a support group and we watched the girls for him on those nights. And he has done the same for us on occassion. He helped DH with some car work once and helped me move some furnature one weekend when Dh was out of town. I'm really glad it is him who stayed in the house and not mom. What a nutcase. Her DD definately takes after her.

But the girl's behavior has really gotten bad lately. It's gone from temper tantrums, which I absolutely didn't tolerate, to this more subtle form of manipulation. She's too smart for her own good. She's really displaying a lot of a-social behavior patterns. I can imagine a movie of the week about her after she is an adult.

Would you talk to the dad? Should I continue to just limit exposure and talk to my DDs about how what she does isn't nice and how to respond to her?

WWYD?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 9:52am

We need a support group. The neighbors across the street are the only ones with children Zak's age. I can't stand the way they play and the way the parents neglect them. They also blame Zak for everything.


I have been really honest with Zak about why I don't think he should play with him. I also established some guidelines. They can not play outside unsupervised and they are not allowed to play inside. I don't ever call the parents because I don't think it will do any good.


"I do not want to be a princess! I want to be myself"

Mallory (age 3)

      &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 9:55am
This is an opportunity for you to raise your own kids. Forget the neighbour's kids. You can't do a thing to create a bribery/manipulation free world for your kids...but you can do a thing to bribe proof your kids. If these were mine, and I heard the stuff going on...I'd be managing the situation in terms of how my own kids were reacting. Its a golden opportunity actually. They have to learn how to handle it all themselves.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2001
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 12:29pm

I kept nodding my head as I read your post, btdt and quite recently in fact

 

Linda - wife, mother, grandmum                     &nb

Avatar for jamblessedthree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2001
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 1:35pm

That language actually happened during a playdate/babysitting afternoon that a did as a favor for a friend's DD (my oldests age) about 2 years ago, when the girls were only 4 going on 5!!!

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-1999
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 5:57pm
I've been teaching DD how to deal with this girl ever since they began playing together about 4 years ago and she is good about not giving into the bribery and threats.

The girl called after we got home and spoke to DD. I don't know what she said, but DD told her she couldn't play because they were going swimming and then they hung up.

I keep thinking about if it was a friend of mine telling me these things. I'd say that I don't appreciate being manipulated like that and probably break off the friendship. Of course, I'm an adult.


I guess I just have to ride it out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 6:03pm
Well, as you know, im pretty much "in your face" and i *have* told kids if they were going to be rude, they were not to come back. i too, would limit the time spent with her. I feel if kids are not spoken to by someone, they will continue to do what they can get away with. the next time your paths cross, i would say something like, "by the way "child", the message you left on our recorder was quite rude, and i would appreciate you not doing that again". if she is at your home playing, and something comes up, i would tell her point blank, straighten up or go home(or whatever terminology is comfortable for you).

i have seen lots of this junk with kids, and you know im not one to sugarcoat. the kids dont always "get the message" when sugarcoating anyway, so i let them know in a calm, and polite voice their behavior will not be tolerated in my child's presence.

good luck. oh, and welcome, to the "just moms" club!!! LOL.

p.s. when my kids were little and someone said, "if you dont do this, i wont be your friend", i told them to tell them "thats ok, i have lots of friends". my dd used it on more than one occasion, and it works! i promise. they back off. LOL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-1999
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 10:55pm
LOL!! The very first time that happened, DD was about 5. She and I were in the car and she started crying because C said DD could just go home if she didn't do something C's way. I told her, "Boy, what a mean thing to say. Do you really want to be friends with someone who says things like that to you?" We then talked about how what she really wants is to get DD to do what she wants and that she really didn't want DD to leave. I told her to say, "OK, I'll go home." And then reminded her of all the nice friends that she does have.

I have told C on many occasions that what she was doing or saying was not appropriate and would not be tolerated. I've taken her home plenty of times too. Last time, I was actually watching her while her Dad went to the store. I thought he would have been home by then, so I marched her home. When he wasn't home I took her back to my house and told her she would play nice or I would make her stay in one room while DD was in another.

She played nicely the rest of the time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 11:19pm
Well, then. all i can say to that is, keep up the good work. the kid will get the message eventually, or get tired of dealing with *you*. LOL. sounds like you're handling it well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 8:19am
May I join too?

I've got a five year old neighbor whom if I have one more incident, I have no resort but to call either CPS or the police on.

I tried to approach the mother. It went something like this...

"Hi! I live down the road from you. Your son has been causing a little trouble at my place. He's been turning on my hose, spraying into my open windows. He's also stolen a radio and several toys that were on my deck. On another day, he took white paint that I left outside for ten minutes, and painted all over the side of my house and my green deck, resulting in having to re-paint my entire exterior. He also tore off 3 deck rail posts from my front deck, which are very expensive to replace. He has done a few other things, like put dirt or spit into my kids' cups, and threw fistfuls of mud at them. And one day, when I forgot to lock my front door, he went inside my house and brought a bunch of toys outside to play with, and let my dog out. He also used a push pin to pop my kids' bike tires."

Keep in mind, I left out some of the minor things - like the fact that he throws rocks from my flower garden at cars that pass by. I'm afraid that one of these days someone is going to stop by with a bill for a window chip or something, assuming it's my kid who did it. I am also scared because we have a dog. Even though my pup is growing out of her chewing stage, I've been caging her and double checking all my locks, including windows, in paranoia that he will come inside and get bit, and I'll be the one who gets slapped with some sort of lawsuit.

And she said, very defensively, "WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FROM HIM, HE IS ONLY FIVE!"

UGH. I just keep telling myself, 6 more weeks, 6 more weeks, and the big moving truck will arrive!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2001
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 9:23am

How in the world has this child managed to survive?

 

Linda - wife, mother, grandmum                     &nb

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