Are you "friends" with BM/SM?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Are you "friends" with BM/SM?
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 3:56pm

I ask because, as I have mentioned, there are two BMs in my story.

One (BM to SD age 13) I have never met and I have spoken to her on the phone two times in five years. We get along great! (Surely you see that I am being facetious.)

The other BM (to SD age 9 and SS age 6) I had met or been in the company of numerous times before she moved out of state.

She is...........oh, what is the word? I will call her "unpleasant". I did not break up their marriage, but I was the first woman DH dated after their split. I have suffered a lot of emotional abuse at her hands (being called ugly, the "b" word, rude, name a few) and I witnessed her punch DH in the face on one particularly heated occasion.

I hear women say that they have great relationships with the BM or SM in their lives and I wonder how? I wonder because I have not been fortunate enough to have this experience with BM2.

Any thoughts? Is it possible to have a good relationship with BM or SM? What does it take for this to happen?

Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmmm..........

Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 4:10pm

I don't know how to answer, other than NO.

It's just not possible with my ss's BM - she is WEIRD. From what DH says, at family get-togethers she sat in a corner so she wouldn't have to talk to people and just had a nasty look on her face. Well, that is her - nothing has changed. She WON'T deal with either DH or I - she likes to pretend that she never had a previous life or marriage, and especially that I don't exist. I have gotten nothing but snide looks since the day I first "met" her (she couldn't be bothered to even say hello or smile, I tried ...) And now she just likes to tell ss all kinds of lies and hateful things about both DH and I.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 4:15pm

friends... no
civil... most of the time.

Each of us admit that the other has been disrespectful and done things that has left a bad taste in our mouths.

However, we both admit that I am a great positive catalyst between DH and BM (who don't get along AT ALL). I get along better with BM than DH does. BM even told her lawyer that she liked me more than DH. I about fell over in my chair.

I don't trust BM, but I doubt she trusts me, so that's OK.

We're both mothers and for some reason, that has made things easier. I've also been very up front that I'm only DS's mommy, not SD's mommy, so I don't think she feels threatened that I'm going to try to be a 'mommy' to her daughter. I'm a parental figure in SD's life, but not her 'mommy'.

Avatar for sunflowergirl2
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 4:18pm

I wouldn't mind having a relationship where she can speak to me, but unless it serves her needs she ignores me.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 4:19pm
No...and I doubt we ever will be. She puts on the show of "we should all get along and be friends" and then talks trash about us to everyone. I don't care what she thinks of me because I know the kind of person I am and she can think whatever. Likewise for DH. We have to think she spends so much time "hating" on us to try to deflect how nasty of a person she is...but it doesn't work. I did not break up there marriage, but she tries to twist things to make it look like I did. She'll tell me (to my face and via email) that she's glad I'm around to help with SS and that I seem to be a good person, and then to DH she will spit out my name and say nasty things (doesn't she realize he will tell me about this stuff). She's very irritational and difficult to respect and for these reasons I see us never being friendly with each other.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2003
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 4:20pm

Up until a month ago, I thought we had the potential of being maybe "friends"...I thought she seemed ridiculously sweet, and wasn't the hippy, hairy, coke-head, girlfriend that BD had previously been dating, so I liked her! I even had DD pick flowers for her before they came to visit once, and always included her name on "Thank you" cards (handmade by DD) or drawings that I would send to BD (once they got engaged).

The day after I let BD, his parents, brother and sister, brother's girlfriend, and fiancee (SM) have a birthday party for DD at DH and my house, I get an email from one of his family members telling me how horrible SM was to DD, that she is very jealous of how much time (yes, this is the same BD who RARELY sees his child) BD spends with her, and when the two of them (BD and SM) are with DD at the same time, SM will do extremely childish things like pout if BD won't give her his sole attention, hold her hand, kiss her often, etc.

Also, when DD complained about being hungry, and BD's mom went to make her a sandwich, SM informed his mom that feeding DD was "RACHEL'S job" and I'd be home in an hour and could feed her then.

Ever since then, I felt like an idiot for thinking we might all be friendly raising DD, and haven't considered even thinking about reaching out to her.

I honestly used to pity her, thinking how hard it must be to date a man with a child, especially a man whose family was still close to the BM (me), and I wanted to make her feel as comfortable as I almost completely disregard her as any contributing member to my daughter's life...BD can deal with her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 4:26pm

Well lets wish that it is possible.

Like I stated before, I haven't had a SM to really deal with as a Bio mom. But the one rule that I live by and have promised myself as BM to live by is "what if the shoe was on the other foot". Being stepmom myself and seeing how obnoxious and self centered a BM can be I do not wish to cause or even show a glimpse of evil, rudeness or hatered towards the woman that my Ex decides to be with. In more than one occasion I have spoken to his GF at the time regarding DD, during DD's stay with her Father. I was happy to know that open communication was available. We talk, greet one another etc. She is free to call my cell, as I am hers (always regarding DD). We have attended functions with BF, GF, SO and I together and even sat at the same table! I love that. I like to know that the least of DD worries should be trouble between us adults. Was it awkward? A little, but more or less to SO who didn't seem comfortable sitting at same table with EX. That same GF goes in and out of Ex's life. She is young but mature. In my opinion it takes big people to make it work. as for friendship? Maybe not that far, I don't think I would want to take it to that level.

BM of SS thats a whole other story. Since day 1 she hasn't brought me down from the B**** pedestal she has me on. I refrain from going to her level because I know that that is what she has always wanted. I love her child and even though I am pretty sure she speaks horrors of me to him, He knows how I am. If she were to find it in her to be an actual person, would I be able to be cordial to her and speak freely about SS, NO! Not anymore. That bridge is long burned and will not be rebuilt. Could we sit together and be curteous, I dont think so.. Just her mere presence would cause me to vomit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 5:01pm
God no. We're all civil to each other, but we have no communication that is not about SD. The 2 couples have very little in common with each other and we really wouldn't be "friends" anyway.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 5:59pm
no way.
i do not think we could even be cordial to each other. we see each other sometimes way too much. We do not speak. Sm has this smirk all the time, a fake smile that is practically pasted on her face. Its sick. although I do wish we could speak. I am for one very tired of all the childish, petty, immature things that have been going on. But for that to stop would be a miracle.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 11:37pm

I guess I will be the 1st to say YES.

BM and I sit together at all the kids events, we even hold a spot for the other. We chat and laugh and visit and play with her daughter while my DH coaches the kids. Her husband used to help coach until he started a new job and now he is never there. I have watched her youngest child for her and she has come out to my parents house and hung out with us for a day with the kids by the pool.

I would say that after being an Ivillage member for 3 years that I have a very unique and healthy situation. Now that is not to say that we don't have issues, we do. BM has been very critical of my husband and the fact that she does not like how he parents. She tried to get the kids to call her new husband daddy and has undermined my DH's role in the boys lives at every turn. BUT I decided right from the beginning that I could either be a help or a hinderance to the situation, I decided to help. It has not always been easy or even felt right but it has worked.

When I married my husband a dear friend of mine gave me a very good piece of advice, she said to allow the boys to love whomever they wanted in front of us and it would change who they were.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 3:08am

"Is it possible to have a good relationship with BM or SM? What does it take for this to happen?"

I do think it IS possible but it depends on how the people act. I do not like my SKs BM but I will never disrespect her. I worked with her and couldn't stand her then. They lived on the next street over from me and she'd invite me and my boys over to play with her boys but I always said no becuase... well, I didn't like her and didn't want to be around her. I didn't meet her ,then, husband but I had seen him around the school we worked at eating lucnch with his kids or volunteering. I met his about 18 months after their divorce and 5 1/2 after mine. After I saw the REAL her I disliked her even more. When I started dating my husband the people at work told me they were glad that two GOOD people who deserved each other got together. They said they would see her at clubs all over guys and you would never know she was married lol. I will be civil, I won't bad mouth her to the kids (even though she talks bad about DH to the kids and makes up lies etc...)

I became friends with my exs temporary wife number 2. She was the OW but I was so thankful to her for getting me out of that horrible miserable marriage but I also felt sorry for her for being taken in my ex and his lies. I looked to her to make sure my kids were safe and taken care of while there. That marriage was 17 months from beginning to end. Then came temp wife number 3. We got a long at first but then I be came a "***ch" because I had him tell her to stop pinching my kids and leaving bruises. he pt her on the phone and I told her she needed to stop pinching my son and asked if she did that to her son or was my son the only lucky one. She said she did it to her son too. I told her if I saw onr more bruise on my son CPS would be called. She treated my kids HORRIBLY. When they got divorced she told me she treated them the way she did becuase she didn't want her son to think she cared about my kids more than she cared about him. I told her when she's degrading my kids left and right I don't think she has to worry about her son thinking she liked them. That Hades lasted 4 years. Temp number 4, we got a long but she was VERY phony and ended up losing her 3 yo twins because of my ex. I felt sorry for her but she knew what he was when she married him. She left him after 8 months and as soon as she left he called ex number 3, they just got remarried in Oct. He actuaslly asked me the other day if I ever talk to nuber 2. i said I did a couple months agio and he said he saw her and was wondering if she was married or anything. I told him it's really none of his business and if she wants him to know about her she'll tell him. I told him he shouldn't be worried about what is going on in her life and worry about marriage number 5. I sent her an e-mail giving her a heads up for him "lurking about"