Competition between Step/bio

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
Competition between Step/bio
20
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 3:31pm
Do you feel competitive with the step or bio parent? Do you feel they feel competitive with you? Does your spouse feel competitive with the new/ex spouse? How do you handle the situation?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 3:46pm

You have all the great questions!!!

Do you feel competitive with the step or bio parent?
***I do not feel competitive with either of the BM's in my world.

Do you feel they feel competitive with you?
***BM1 - I do not feel she is competitive with me. She only cares about her daughter and, to me, that's the way it should be.

BM2 - Mildly competitive. Maybe not so much competetive as resentful or spiteful. She likes to call me names. She likes to rile things in our house. She seems only to be content if there is drama going on. (Ex. If I take SD for a mani/pedi then BM has to take her for a mani/pedi/massage. No joke!)

Does your spouse feel competitive with the new/ex spouse?
***BM1 - Recently married and DH wished her and her husband well. No competition or nastiness there.

***BM2 - Has a revolving door of boyfriends. The only time I have seen DH show any ill feeling toward her was when she had instructed the children to call her latest BF "Daddy". He called and reamed her for it, which I later told him he should not have done. As I said, she likes the contention and strife. And I felt like this was her latest attempt to get a rise out of him. So to answer the question, no competition here.

How do you handle the situation?
***There isn't much for me to handle. When issues come up with BM2, I only get involved when she attacks me directly or if DH asks for my assistance. She is his ex, not mine. The less interaction I have with her, the better (for all of us).


Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 3:52pm

I feel no competition with Ex's "live in honey", or my BF's Ex either.

As for my children, I am 100% confident that they know WHO Mommy is, and as for BF's Ex, I am also 100% confident that EVERYTHING I do with and for "their" child is 100% more than she gives to her own child. I don't need her to call me Mommy to know that I do more "mommy-ing" than she does... yet I respect that she is entitled to visit her child on the rare occasion that she wants to, and is still "Mommy" (actually in this case "Mama".

Avatar for sunflowergirl2
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 4:00pm

I do not feel I have to compete w/ BM.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 4:15pm

BM & I don't even operate on the same playing field--everything about us is darn near opposite, so no, at least as far as I know.

I think DH has a little competitiveness about the SF, mostly in the who spent quality time with SD arena. He has outright disdain for a number of things, but mostly when BM tries to make them more than what they are. SF is a glorified construction worker. It's honest and can be a good living, but it is not brain surgery.

I think it's very hard for BM/SF to be competitive with us. They have never seen our house and we tell them very little about what we do when SD is with us and even less about our lives.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 4:34pm

I hate admitting this but I will be 100% honest...
Yes. She had my husband's heart first.

ETA: DH is not jealous/competetive of the OM/BM's live-in-boyfriend. He halfway feels sorry for him and halfway thinks he is getting what he deserves, but DH doesn't give a lick about him personally.




Edited 12/6/2006 6:13 pm ET by jackiedstep
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 4:47pm

Yes, there are times I have felt in competition with BM, particularly in the beginning of my relationship with DH. It didn't really have to do with SD, it was more about DH and the fact that they shared a child together and we didn't (I have no kids at all). Maybe it's more envy than competition. I think if I had one of my own (even with someone else before DH and I met) it would have been easier. Oddly I have never felt this way with SS's BM, I think because she is so uninvolved I don't think about her much - out of sight out of mind I suppose. Anyway, those feelings have lessened over time as my bond with DH gets stronger and it seems sillier and sillier that I ever felt that way. I never acted out any of these feeling, by the way, I've always done my best to be courteous and respectful of BM.

As for BM competing with me, I don't know. At times I have felt that she is. It seems when we do something special with SD Bm is more inclined to call a lot and tell SD about all sorts of big plans she has for the 2 of them. It seems competitive to me but who knows. The sad part is BM often doesn't follow through on these plans, I guess that's part of what makes me wonder if they're just thrown out there for competition purposes.

As for DH feeling competitive with SF, I don't think so, at least I've never had the impression. He has felt sad (perhaps a little jealous?) that SF gets to spend more time with SD since we only have her 1/3 of the time. But DH's relationship with SD is strong and I think he's pretty secure with that.

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 5:38pm

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Thanks! I am a long time lurker of all the step boards and I really like the fact they finally made this board. I would really like to see it take off and don't mind coming up with questions. I would NEVER cl any ivillage board though, so I am hoping one of my favorite posters will get the cl position for this board. Someone fair and well rounded you know? Because so far this "debate board" has discussed more dicey issues with more civility than some of the "support boards". Hopefully we get a good CL soon!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 5:49pm

I agree with you that so far this board has been very civil, where you see the title and automatically expect volatility.

Here's hoping it stays this way! I mean, I love a good debate, but I definitely don't want to see any of the flaming hostility prevalent on certain other boards.


Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 6:08pm
I would not call it competitive. She can have the man. When it comes to dd, I would prefer to be the mom and have sm step back and allow me to be the mom. SM has no right to represent herself as my dd mom in any way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2006
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 10:56am

Do you feel competitive with the step or bio parent?

Nope I'm a confident enough person in my own right not to feel insecure. I'm not THE mother I'm A mother. and sometimes I'm a step and some times a bio and sometimes I'm both
and sometimes I can stop being a mum and remember what I am like underneath that. i don't centre my self esteem on being a mum, I centre on being me and everything else flows from that.

Do you feel they feel competitive with you?

BM is very competative going for the mother of the year award and terribly anxious about what everyone thinks of her. She's very threatened by me just existing.

SM to my daughter isn't at all competative. We get along.

Does your spouse feel competitive with the new/ex spouse?

he doesn't care about her, if it wasn't for Sd he'd have nothing to do with her so no, and his has conplete for her current waste of space boyfriend so no he isn't competing there either

How do you handle the situation?

I ignore any of BM's silliness, and just get on with what we do. My home and family operate because we have a way we have all agreed works for us. What BM does in her home and family is nothing to do with me or my family and vice versa as long as the kids are safe and happy.

The hardest thing is when she try to draw distinctions between 'HER' child and ' YOUR' child as if sticking them on different levels is a good thing. The children themselves fight against that. They want to be seen as part of the family and their family has walls that expand out to include DH and I and our child and my daughter and my ex husband's child....the children are all related one way or another.

 

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