Conflicting Philosophies

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2010
Conflicting Philosophies
125
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 7:27am

BD has EOW and holidays for SD6. SM and BD have DD4. SM also has DD18 and DS20.

BM and BD do not have a good coparenting relationship.

BD and SM share a parenting philosophy which centers around teaching independence and self-sufficiency, manners and education as priorities and exposing the child to varied experiences as a learning tool.

BM's philosophy is centered around duty to family. Her time is spent visiting her extended family and she is not concerned with eduction or discipline. She doesn't push her child to be independent and still does many things for her that she probably could do on her own. She prefers to keep their world small with little exposure to anything new or different as she thinks this makes them more secure. Her philosophy is 'They are only little for a short while. So what if they are unruly in the shops or don't do well in school? Let them be kids. They will grow up soon enough.'

BD and SM have a system in place where children earn extras and get privilges taken away for bad behavior. SD6 is always having things taken away and never follows through to earn extras.

BD and SM are concerned with treating the children fairly and have tried putting SD6 in swimming and other activities but she won't follow instructions and she disrupts the rest of the class. SD6 seems to only want to sit in front of the TV, which is strictly limited at BDs home. SD has been sent home from school at least twice for bully behavior. SM and BD feel that too much time is spent trying to correct SDs behavior in the home and both feel bad about it. They also feel that they cannot compromise their standards for acceptable behavior and they are worried about the influence SD will have on their DD. BD spoke to BM and BM denies that SD ever does anything wrong in her care but BD does not believe her.

BM says SM is too strict and that she is not allowing child to be a child. BM feels that time with BD should have 100% focus on the child and that the child should not be asked to do anything except what pleases her. BM insists that child has expressed that she no longer wishes to go to dad's home because it isn't 'fun'. SM feels it is unfair to blame her because BD agrees with her parenting style and she feels that she has been through it all before and knows what works for her.

BD agrees with SM but is also concerned that his time with his ODD is mostly spent trying to rectify bad behavior and is aware that things appear unfair since DD4 earns more and is allowed more for good behavior.

So...I think the debate is:

When there is a vast difference in parenting philosophies, how strictly does the 'my house, my rules' edict apply?

What if there is bad behavior, poor manners, and a 'me,me,me' attitude from the child due to the difference in parenting styles and one home feels ignoring or giving in to it will negatively influence other children living there?

What if the younger child is picking up bad grammar and bad manners from the older child?

To what extent should BD and SM compromise their values for what is, in their opinion, a failure to effectively parent on the part of BM?

Re-word and rephrase as necessary.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2009
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 7:45am



BM sux.



iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2010
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 7:48am

I really didn't want it to be a blatant BM sux.

She has a different philosophy and she's entitled to that. It doesn't make it any more right or wrong than the other philosophy.

I guess I didn't do a very good job of presenting her side.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2009
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 8:07am

BM sux.>>>

Yeah, that was kind of my take on the post as well. The part that struck me in particular was the idea that the 4yo might learn bad grammar from the 6yo. The horror! *eyeroll*

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2008
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 8:37am

Had a similar situation with my two when they were growing up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2009
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 8:39am

But with that 'reword' lead-in...you really didn't see that coming? It was too beautiful for me to ignore, lol!



If I had given a serious answer, it would have been that she has a different but equally valid parenting philosophy and that you guys just need to work the 'different homes different rules' angle with SD.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2009
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 8:52am



Isn't it funny how often those two things go together?



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2009
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 8:52am


BM sux.>>>>

LMAO. I was trying to formulate a response...but I think this covers it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 8:59am

What if the younger child is picking up bad grammar and bad manners from the older child?



If you think this is horrid, what is going to happen with the six year old picks up something at school and teaches it to the four year old?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2007
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 9:02am

<<,If I had given a serious answer, it would have been that she has a different but equally valid parenting philosophy and that you guys just need to work the 'different homes different rules' angle with SD. You say that you think hers is equally valid - that really doesn't seem to be the case, from your OP. The vibe of 'ours is better' was pretty pervasive.>>>

pervasive BM sux vibe is right.

to OP: You don't think her parenting style is valid. That is very, very clear. If you did, you wouldn't blame her style for all the 'terrible' behavior that you and BD are constantly correcting in your SD.

My personal opinion is that if all of BDs time with his kid is spent correcting and disciplining to get the part time kid to act like the full time kid...soon, the kid will be a no-time kid. Who wants to visit at a house you are always in trouble at?

Can you make a few non-negotiable rules and stick to that? Expecting the part time kid to be raised like your full time kid is a losing battle. The kid is only 6 and is already expressing the desire to not visit. I can only imagine this will increase as she gets older.

brc

Photobucket
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2009
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 9:02am


Isn't it funny how often those two things go together?>>>

So true. Or people with smaller children giving advice on how to manage teenagers.

To the OP, as a BM it is not my job to raise my child in a manner that fits in with SM's. I could not possibly care any less what SM's opinions of child rearing are. Besides, 6 year olds are kind of terrible. My DS exhibited behaviors at 6 that I didn't see before and haven't seen since, including bullying behaviors.

BD would bring DS back home after the weekend and tell me how awful he was. 7 years later, SM's kids are struggling in all facets of their lives and DS is doing quite well, TYVM.

At 6 and 4, you can't tell what the future will bring. Their potential for success certainly has not been written.

Pages