Difficult BM/BD situation....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2010
Difficult BM/BD situation....
10
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 5:21pm

BM does not want BD to see their kids and has control for now over whether or not that happens. BD filed in March to force the issue and the court date was in July. A partial hearing happened in July and it was adjourned with the stipulation that BD could refile in October and at that point the judge might require them to go to mediation. Judge also said he really did not want to see them in court again and didn't understand why they couldn't get together and come to an agreement.

While BD has had very few visits with kids in the past 12 months, he had been having extensive FB and text contact. During the hearing in July the amount of contact came to light (not sure if BM was aware of how much). 3 days after court, their daughter unfriended BD on FB with no explanation. When he tried to contact her, he got a text from BM telling him that DD did not want to talk to him and if/when she did, she would contact him. He decided to let it go for then because DD was going to turn 18 in 3 weeks. He sent DD a b-day card and then tried to call her on her cell. He got a recording saying his number had been blocked from her cell.

At this point, he still has FB contact with his son, but he thinks he has been blocked from DS's cell too, because DS has said he has not received the last several texts BD sent. BD has not called the number because he thinks DS does not know that he has been blocked and is not prepared to bring it up at this point.

BD has emailed a few times to see about seeing the kids (really just DS at this point since DD is now 18). He did receive a response from BM to one where he also asked if she could help him understand why DD was upset with him. She has not responded to anything regarding visits. Her response was basically that DD was upset because 1)BM had to go to court (BD never spoke to either kid about court so BM must have) 2)DD thinks some of his emails are not being written by him but by his girlfriend (he has never emailed DD)3) DD was upset that DD's mother (her gma) came to graduation (even though DD was the one who sent BD the invitations for his family for him to send out).

The other thing that was mentioned was that BM is hesitant to have contact with BD because if she lets him see the kids he uses it against her in court and if she doesn't, then he uses that against her in court.

At this point, BD does plan to go back to court. He also plans to request they not be required to mediate based on the fact that he has tried repeatedly to work with BM without any success. He is also considering whether or not to try to tell the kids his side of things, seeing as it seems obvious that BM is and is trying to get the kids to side with her against BD and it is working.

How is the best way to deal with this? Yes, I understand that this is the debate section and I am hoping that as the debate ensues it will bring out the good/bad ideas and possible consequences of those ideas.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 5:32pm

Is there a CO with visitation spelled out?



iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2010
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 5:39pm

The original CO was EOW and half the holidays plus 2 weeks in the summer. In 2006 it was changed to where BM was allowed to control visitation. It was a total mistake on BD's part, but apparently he thought she would be reasonable plus unfortunately he picked an attorney who did not represent him well (in fact terribly) and could not afford to fight any longer.

Her having control worked somewhat for some time, but about a year and a half ago, she decided she did not want him to see them anymore or very often. It appears it was about the time BD decided to stand up and not bow to every whim she had.

For those who want to jump on the "it is his own fault" bandwagon, yes it is and yes he knows and is trying to fix it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2009
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 5:48pm
How old is the son?
A Stepparent is as much a parent as an ex-wife is a wife.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2010
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 6:47pm
15
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 6:51pm

thats sure

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2010
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 7:19pm

<<>>

What seems to have been part of it was he realized it was not going to get better and in fact it got worse. In 2006 when she got control, she would allow him to meet the kids and take them to a movie or shopping or the park, etc.... by the time I met him in 2008 she only let him see them if he came to her house and the kids and he hung out in their yard (she wanted him to come in and "play" with them).

As far as me being the cause, I don't know.... They have been divorced 12 years and he was married for 7 years between her and me. She moved in with a guy a year after they divorced and they married later and are still married. She does seem to have an issue with me (by comments she makes) although I have never met her.

<<>>

Apparently so, which is breaking his heart.....

<<<>>>

Yes, and he has considered and even tried this. In all honesty had she been willing to just let him see them on a regular basis (more than every 6 mo or so) he would have gone along seeing as the are that old. Once she started refusing visits, refusing to have a dialog and tell him what she wanted (yes he has asked as recently as 2 weeks ago), and then cut him off from them by phone, he feels he has no other choice but to go forward with court again.

<<>>

At this point there are no "whims" she is telling him she wants... just silence and refusals..... I believe he would go along with her if he could just have regular visits and contact.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 8:18pm

I think your DH has every right to tell his kids the truth. I have seen my DH's family so torn over a Mom who made Dad to be the bad guy. For their entire lives they thought he didn't care and it was her controlling the situation entirely feeding them garbage. Had he set it straight when they were your skids age, they wouldn't be dealing with it now in their 40's. I just don't get women like this, and in the end they have zero respect for her.

They had a story on tv about a kid who moved out without Dad's knowledge and he still paid CS on the kid to Mom for three years. I said to DH, wow that's just like your mom with your brother. He said, how my Dad never paid CS. I said geeze, I thought you knew about that lie too. He was blown away AGAIN. I thought it was all out by now but I guess not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2006
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 8:24pm

"I think your DH has every right to tell his kids the truth. I have seen my DH's family so torn over a Mom who made Dad to be the bad guy. For their entire lives they thought he didn't care and it was her controlling the situation entirely feeding them garbage. Had he set it straight when they were your skids age, they wouldn't be dealing with it now in their 40's. I just don't get women like this, and in the end they have zero respect for her."



This.



funny pictures of cats with captions
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 8:30pm
MY DH hadn't seen his Dad in ten years until a few years ago. It was a very hard reconnection but they are good now. It's the saddest thing and I feel for you and my DH that had to go through this torment. Anyone who does this to their kids doesn't deserve them. It's now affecting the grandkids and their loyalty and who to choose and it just sux. All the while Mom thinks she is just golden bleck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2010
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 8:56pm

Anyone who does this to their kids doesn't deserve them.>>>

I agree totally. Interestingly, when they had court in July, she and her husband had this "we are SO much better than you" attitude.....

BD swears that BM could actually lie through her teeth and still pass a lie detector test.... that's how sure she is she is right..... all the while emotionally abusing the kids by trying to turn them against a dad who loves them....