Ex Inlaws and Funerals

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2009
Ex Inlaws and Funerals
13
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 1:12pm

BM's dad passed last

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2005
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 1:29pm
Very individual. Although I loved and miss my ex-inlaws I wouldn't go to their funerals, out of respect (for lack of a better word) of exh who would no way want me there. I can't imagine how your BM reached the conclusion that your Dh should attend, given their relationship situation.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 1:29pm

I was puzzled by

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 2:14pm

I BEGGED XH to attend my dad’s funeral.

#1: It was 6-months post-divorce and he and my dad were VERY close. Matter of fact, he was WITH my dad when he collapsed.

#2: I needed help with our children. I was a mess…my dad had just died after spending 6 weeks in the hospital, and I NEEDED someone to be there for our kids. Instead, he was an a$$, and I had to suck it up and be there for our kids. As a result, I have really never grieved that loss, and well…at this point, won’t.

However, I didn’t take it to the extremes of this person. I asked him on several occasions to reconsider. He refused. I DO think it was a crappy father moment for him. But I never said as much to him and I wouldn’t.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 2:37pm

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Lee

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2010
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 3:05pm
DH went to his xfil's funeral.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2009
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 3:12pm

Going to a funeral is a personal choice. If DSD had wanted her dad there, he should have been told ahead of time so he could consider his daughter's needs but it doesn't sound like she much cared- nor can I see why she would.


My parents would extend condolences to BD (never my husband) or his wife at the loss of a parent but that's not a universal "should." If someone doesn't care about that passing of an ex in law- or to be fair, simply chooses to grieve privately- that's up to them.


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 7:27pm
This is completely on a case by case basis. I would attend BM's Dad's funeral. Absolutely. I would certainly hope my DH would feel compelled to as well. I have a nice civil relationship with him, he's a wonderful Grandpa and I would want to be there in support of BM. Her Dad raised her and he's the world to her, she will be suffering the biggest loss of her life when that happens. I would also want to be there for the kids. If DH's parent's died I would see no problem if BM wanted to attend. Even my parents for that matter.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2009
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 8:29pm

I am a strong believer that when you get divorced you give up the ex's family. They are their family first. I thought very highly of my former FIL but if he passed away I would not attend, I would not think I had the right to attend and I am pretty sure my ex & his new wife would not want me there.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 9:20pm

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I disagree. I think its more about the relationship between the ex and the deceased, not the two ex's.

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Not that BD in my sitch ever would, but he has no right to ask me to stay away. When BDs grandmother passes, because I absolutely have a beautiful relationship with her, I will be there. BD knows this, actually supports it, so in that end I am good. What his GF/wife thinks of it is not my concern.

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Does she have a relationship with this woman? I ask because I call BDs grandmother 'granny', and always have. She's my granny. My mothers mother passed away in 2002, my stepfathers mother in 2005. BDs grandmother is the only living grandmother *I* have. Yep :)

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Again, I disagree. So stay with BD just so I can still have a relationship with is family? Dont think so. The key as the ex is to not be disrespectful with it. I dont do family events of BDs, even though they do still invite me and DH. But a funeral? I am there. When BDs mother died, DS was with BD(and GF at the time) and the rest of the immediate family in the front, I sat further back with my own family. But I was there. I just remembered, I actually wrote and performed a poem at the funeral per Grannys request, which was actually printed on the back of the obituary.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2010
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 11:15pm

I don't agree with the following: "I am a strong believer that when you get divorced you give up the ex's family."

No. You give up former in-laws if that is their wish in their relationship with you. A divorce from one of their family members doesn't make the ending of a relationship with them a requirement at all. It's a divorce in one relationship...not necessarily all. I think the parties in each and every relationship developed gets to make that determination, not a third party adult just because they happen to be biological kin.

I would attend any of my former in-laws funerals because they would want me there. I know this because they are brazen with letting my ex-husband know they still maintain a good relationship with me. His mother. His sister. His brother. And spouses. They made that very clear..not wishful thinking or some kind of coercion on my part.

I'm sure ex and his wife hate it. I guess they get to take that up with their biological kin in their individual relationship and figure it out. I'm not a party to it nor have a decent enough relationship with ex or his wife to care how they feel...just the relationships I have and what they need from me.

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