BM's dad passed last
The Honey disclaimer>>
I was puzzled by
I BEGGED XH to attend my dad’s funeral.
#1: It was 6-months post-divorce and he and my dad were VERY close. Matter of fact, he was WITH my dad when he collapsed.
#2: I needed help with our children. I was a mess…my dad had just died after spending 6 weeks in the hospital, and I NEEDED someone to be there for our kids. Instead, he was an a$$, and I had to suck it up and be there for our kids. As a result, I have really never grieved that loss, and well…at this point, won’t.
However, I didn’t take it to the extremes of this person. I asked him on several occasions to reconsider. He refused. I DO think it was a crappy father moment for him. But I never said as much to him and I wouldn’t.
Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14
Going to a funeral is a personal choice. If DSD had wanted her dad there, he should have been told ahead of time so he could consider his daughter's needs but it doesn't sound like she much cared- nor can I see why she would.
My parents would extend condolences to BD (never my husband) or his wife at the loss of a parent but that's not a universal "should." If someone doesn't care about that passing of an ex in law- or to be fair, simply chooses to grieve privately- that's up to them.
I am a strong believer that when you get divorced you give up the ex's family. They are their family first. I thought very highly of my former FIL but if he passed away I would not attend, I would not think I had the right to attend and I am pretty sure my ex & his new wife would not want me there.
I disagree. I think its more about the relationship between the ex and the deceased, not the two ex's.
Not that BD in my sitch ever would, but he has no right to ask me to stay away. When BDs grandmother passes, because I absolutely have a beautiful relationship with her, I will be there. BD knows this, actually supports it, so in that end I am good. What his GF/wife thinks of it is not my concern.
Does she have a relationship with this woman? I ask because I call BDs grandmother 'granny', and always have. She's my granny. My mothers mother passed away in 2002, my stepfathers mother in 2005. BDs grandmother is the only living grandmother *I* have. Yep :)
Again, I disagree. So stay with BD just so I can still have a relationship with is family? Dont think so. The key as the ex is to not be disrespectful with it. I dont do family events of BDs, even though they do still invite me and DH. But a funeral? I am there. When BDs mother died, DS was with BD(and GF at the time) and the rest of the immediate family in the front, I sat further back with my own family. But I was there. I just remembered, I actually wrote and performed a poem at the funeral per Grannys request, which was actually printed on the back of the obituary.
I don't agree with the following: "I am a strong believer that when you get divorced you give up the ex's family."
No. You give up former in-laws if that is their wish in their relationship with you. A divorce from one of their family members doesn't make the ending of a relationship with them a requirement at all. It's a divorce in one relationship...not necessarily all. I think the parties in each and every relationship developed gets to make that determination, not a third party adult just because they happen to be biological kin.
I would attend any of my former in-laws funerals because they would want me there. I know this because they are brazen with letting my ex-husband know they still maintain a good relationship with me. His mother. His sister. His brother. And spouses. They made that very clear..not wishful thinking or some kind of coercion on my part.
I'm sure ex and his wife hate it. I guess they get to take that up with their biological kin in their individual relationship and figure it out. I'm not a party to it nor have a decent enough relationship with ex or his wife to care how they feel...just the relationships I have and what they need from me.