Got another one

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Got another one
110
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 11:08am

BD has been paying CS faithfully for 13 years. We have always honored, with pleasure, the weekends we have my SS. We plan our lives around those weekends, and frequently have had to skip our own social activities because it is our weekend. The only times we have ever switched weekends around is for one time events...weddings and such. We don't ever skip weekends with him. We are happy with this because we love him and feel it is very important for him to feel a part of our family, including our toddler.

Well, my SS is getting older, and he is starting to get invited to things with friends. (He never really had friends before, so there was never a problem with him coming on our weekends.) We understand the need to be flexible, especially now that he is in sports. We have no problems working around sports schedules that are mandatory or one time events like dances.

Recently, he has asked to skip a weekend because he was invited to do some things he really wants to do (not mandatory, not one time events). BD let it go once, but tried to talk to BM about it. BD requested that she support him and help to remind their son that he needs to be coming to spend his weekends with BD when they are scheduled. She blew up at BD, yelling that she doesn't even know what the kid is doing half the time, and she's not going to force him to come because it's important for him to spend time with his friends.

Yes, the court order grants BD these weekends, so she would be in breach if she let him not come without an agreement from us. However, BD's ultimate goal is to have a healthy, positive relationship with his son. So, dragging BM to court and forcing him to come spend time with his family on our weekends would do the opposite of that.

BD feels that the top priority for DS should be time with his family (especially his little brother, our son) before his friends that he sees every day. How do we get him to realize this...or how do we enforce BD's rights to his weekends without jeopardizing his relationship with his son, especially without the support of BM?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 11:18am

do you live far from BM and thus SS's friends?....if not, if you're (sorta) local, maybe SS could continue some socializing from your house?....such as dad take him to and fro socializing SS is hoping to keep up with (ie, movies with his buddys, partys, whatnot)....or maybe dad can more with ease pick his son up from mom's later in the day?....maybe dad can let his son know hes welcome to invite friends to your house?



many NCP's go thru this issue as the kids become teens and IMO its best to try to accomodate the kids schedule as best as possible...most teens i've known don't have as priority hanging around toddler siblings :)....though i definitely agree if possible he should be home for family meals at dads dinnertable, etc.

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 11:19am

BD feels that the top priority for DS should be time with his family (especially his little brother, our son) before his friends that he sees every day. How do we get him to realize this...or how do we enforce BD's rights to his weekends without jeopardizing his relationship with his son, especially without the support of BM?



I support my kids when I feel they are right also... kid is getting older, as you said...and this is normal behavior.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2009
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 11:20am
Why can't DH take son for his activities with friends on his weekends?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2009
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 11:26am

Why does your SS have to forgo activities with his friends on your DH's visitation weekends?

I think the normal life of the teen should be accommodated as much as possible. In my experience, teens don't want to hand out with any toddlers....sibling or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 11:37am
Have the kid come stay with you and Dad and let him do his activities from there then Dad can be involved in his social life. Kids number one priority as they age are friends, you force him to hang with you and a toddler, you will force him to distance himself even more. The parents got a divorce, not the kid. Let him live a normal life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 11:38am

I support my kids when I feel they are right also... kid is getting older, as you said...and this is normal behavior.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 11:43am

Have the kid come stay with you and Dad and let him do his activities from there then Dad can be involved in his social life. Kids number one priority as they age are friends, you force him to hang with you and a toddler, you will force him to distance himself even more. The parents got a divorce, not the kid. Let him live a normal life.



In some cases, it will be either or consider distance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 11:47am

This would be why BD and I agreed that we would live close to each other until the kids were both old enough to transport themselves.

BM says she "doesn't know where the kid is" half the time that tells you that she's missing out on her "family time" with the kid because he's being a teen and being social (it's what they do). This is something BD is going to have to deal with, too. SS is a teen, he needs his social group more than he needs quality time with a toddler. Both parents are going to have to figure out how much latitude to give him.

It's tough but that's part of parenting a teen who doesn't live with you.

















iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 11:52am

We live too far away to accommodate his friend activities on our weekends. We have told him that he is welcome to invite friends to come to our house as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2009
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 11:56am

We live too far away to accommodate his friend activities on our weekends. We have told him that he is welcome to invite friends to come to our house as well. >>>>



This is the same thing BD and SM are dealing with in my situation.

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