How do I deal with this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
How do I deal with this?
59
Sat, 09-25-2010 - 1:00pm

I'm not trying to be antagonistic. I would like feedback from both sides.

My stbx is dating a woman who is 15 years younger than he is. They started dating right after we separated (or maybe before). She seems like a very odd choice for him. She is unattractive and very unsophisticated. I think she is very insecure and feels enamored with this seemingly sophisticated, handsome and successful older man. From what I know, she is also very immature and believes his one dimensional explanation of the failure of our marriage. I'm sure he is dating her because he believes he can be on control with her. Sad, really.

Here is the problem. Stbx and I have a dd 6. She will be living with me during the week and him on the weekend. We are structuring a very unusual co where we both spend a lot of time together with dd. All holidays all together etc. This is what we believe to be best for dd and we can make it work.

At this time, have nothing against this girl stbx is with. However, I'm concerned about the fact hat she is from such a radically different background and has such a radically different perspective on life that I and stbx have. If she is willing and able to understand how we are raising our daughter (education, experience etc) or at least willing to learn, there shouldn't be a problem. However, if she is incapable of understanding or learning, I'm concerned about the impact of her resistance on dd. I firmly believe that dd needs to feel like all of the adults in her life are "on the same page" with her upbringing.

I suppose there is nothing I can do right now but this is such a strange part of all of getting a divorce. When we get married and seek out friends we try to find people who share our values. It is disturbing to think of dd spending time with someone who doesn't share my values and general view of life.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Sat, 09-25-2010 - 1:12pm

>>>>



At this time, have nothing against this girl stbx is with. However, I'm concerned about the fact hat she is from such a radically different background and has such a radically different perspective on life that I and stbx have. If she is willing and able to understand how we are raising our daughter (education, experience etc) or at least willing to learn, there shouldn't be a problem. However, if she is incapable of understanding or learning, I'm concerned about the impact of her resistance on dd. I firmly believe that dd needs to feel like all of the adults in her life are "on the same page" with her upbringing.



>>>>



Why are you making the girl the source for your concern. It seems to me you

Lee

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Sat, 09-25-2010 - 1:13pm

Hi



I'd would think you don't really have much choice, but to trust in your ex to stick with what you have planned. What happens in his house is really none of your business. As long as she isn't mean to your child, then so what?



If she does last the distance with your ex, you'll just have to deal with it. I would also expect things to change if they go on to have a long term relationship. Doubtful that she will want her SO going off on holiday with his ex...



So what if she is not up to your social standard? As long as she is nice to the kid, then you can't have anything to complain about.



JMO.



DM

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2008
Sat, 09-25-2010 - 1:26pm

>>It is disturbing to think of dd spending time with someone who doesn't share my values and general view of life.<<



Unless you are planning on raising your child in a bubble,

Meez 3D avatar avatars games


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2009
Sat, 09-25-2010 - 1:33pm

My stbx is dating a woman who is 15 years younger than he is.



Not your business.

Meez 3D avatar avatars games


The Honey disclaimer>>

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2006
Sat, 09-25-2010 - 1:49pm

I think your focus is misplaced. If she's as you describe, then why do you suspect she'll come in and try to change things? It seems like your STBX has chosen someone he can dominate.

OTH, your expectations for extreme coparenting will probably be disappointed because that's just how it usually works. What people think and feel at the time of the breakup usually changes significantly after the breakup, especially when third parties are mixed in.

My advice is to brace yourself for having very little control over what STBX decides to do. It is great to get your arrangements in writing, but all it takes is one person filing for a change for the deal to be thrown out, especially if the "deal" differs greatly from what is considered to be the standard coparenting arrangement in your community.

When BD broke up with me, he seemed to think I was MOTY. After he met SM, he was literally suing me and claiming I was an unfit mother. Your STBX's GF doesn't seem to be pushy like that, and ultimately, it's up to BD whether or not he's going to cooperate with what you want.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Sat, 09-25-2010 - 2:09pm
Wow, that was a fast delete.






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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2009
Sat, 09-25-2010 - 2:15pm
What the.....??

Meez 3D avatar avatars games


The Honey disclaimer>>

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Sat, 09-25-2010 - 2:20pm
It's happening in the keeping secrets from BM thread too. =-\






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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2009
Sat, 09-25-2010 - 2:23pm
I think someone has been booted, only they don't realize it yet and so they continue to post, only to have their post automatically deleted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Sat, 09-25-2010 - 2:25pm
Strange, I didn't know they could do that.






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