How much power do you give K/SK?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2010
How much power do you give K/SK?
90
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 12:59am

Ok trying to find the debate question in here. Here is the situation. Man is divorced several years, marries woman who also spent several years as single parent. Man is NCP to 5 kids, 2 of them adults. Woman is CP and only parent to 2 small kids under 10. Her ExH left and basically abandoned the 2 kids and have never heard from him since they were babies.



So they meet and fall in love and get married pretty fast but both kow for sure this is what they want and have had many long and short term relationships as single people so they are sure this is real and they are not just taking the first thing that comes along. Woman's 2 kids love SD from the start and start calling him Dad as soon as the engagement is anounced. Man's children seem to be happy but have a few issues with BM freaking out and demanding info and saying they can't go to wedding etc.



So after the wedding the 2 adult children start causing a lot of issues. 20 yr old DD even causes drama at wedding that has Dad close to tears, then plays alot of games on and off for first 18 months. But has recently admitted she didn't give woman and kids much of a chance and it trying to reconcile. 18 DS is ok at first but soon develops some very real jealousy issues with the 2 young children. Throws fits, treats them and SM badly, says very very rude this to SM and treats kids like crap. SM is trying to be detached and just smiles and plays nice to kids when they come to visit. Now 18 DS has refused to come visit in 10 months because he got in trouble for shooting the 8 yr old SB in the back with a pellet gun. Only time SM ever lost it and yelled at him and also got into it with 15 yr old SD when she started getting snippy with SM saying I had no right to be mad.(yes I am SM) But in my eyes an adult child SHOT my 8 yr old. Only caused a welt but I was flaming mad. Even then I just chewed him out for being such a brat and took the gun and wouldn't let him have it back till he went home. I don't think it was unreasonable at all and if he were my full son I would have bent him over my knee for it.



DH agreed with me and got after son just as much. Well SS took it that dad is choosing new kids over him and has been a brat ever since. Has demanded that Sbros not be allowed to call his dad, dad and that he will not see DH as long as it is going on. DH has informed him that is not going to happen that he is every bit as much their Dad as he is theirs.



So I guess the debate is is DH wrong for not letting his DS run the show? Should he give in a little to apease him? Since he is an basically an adult would your answer change if he was only 10?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 1:27am

I would tell the older child that I love him, I want a relationship with him, I am willing to be flexible if he doesn't want to come to the house or be part of the blended family, I'm willing to let him determine some of the terms of our relationship so that we can try and rebuild it.

I would also tell the older child that the younger children are not replacing him, they are additions not replacements. I'd ask the older child lots of questions about how the older child is feeling, what his fears are, what his concerns are, and I'd try to address those.

I'll tell you that my stepsisters has major issues from their NCP dad living full time with my sister and I. Even though he had no parental role with us in those early years and never provided anything for my sister and I financially, their perception was very different. They saw him as being more of a dad to us than he was to them. They thought we were taking resources from him that would have otherwise gone to them. They were hurt, and that hurt was valid and needed to be addressed for their relationship with their dad to be on track. We were all teenagers when my mom and SF got together and 3 of 5 of us where over the age of 18 yo when they got married. It was still hard on my stepsisters.

If my experience is any indication, your older stepchildren may be hurting, feeling a little abandoned, rejected, forgotten, unneeded and unwanted. Your SS shooting your DS was probably out of anger. Dad is right to let him know that will not be tolerated, but if he only addresses that then he's ignoring the issue that led to the incident. The shooting isn't the problem, it's a symptom. If your dh and his older children can work on their individual and family bonds, they might be able to co-exist with you without lashing out at dad or your children. In the end you want them to be feeling and perceiving that their dad has as much loyalty to them as he does to anyone else.

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser."


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2010
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 1:52am

Good answer and that is what DH has been doing. He has given in to little demands i.e. over the summer there was a father/son campout at church. 18yr old wanted Dad to come but made it a stipulation that dad came alone and did not bring two younger boys. DH was so worried about it, he felt put in the middle if he brought my sons, he would be chosing them over his son in son's eyes and if he didn't bring younger sons he was afraid of the message it would send younger sons. I as his wife took that problem away from him. I told him go w.o younger sons, younger sons never have to know where Dad really was that weekend. We told them he had to go do something for his son, didn't elaborate. So younger sons feelings were spared and we had hoped older sons, also has a 13 yr old who has had no issues, probably because he is closer in age and has alot of fun with my sons, would try to open up to DH and talk. But the whole weekend older son refused to discuss anything with DH.



But curious in general what would people do in that sitch and does his age dictate how you react. We are now at the point my DH says I love you and always will but leaves it to son to reach out, figuring he is an adult now, when he grows up a little he can try to work it out, because anything he tries backfires. But older son wants to have a say on how we do things in our home, he wants to run the house and we have not let him. His big problems are things he has no control of. He is mad about how long or short our courtship was, he thinks he should have had a choice in whether or not we got married, and thinks he should be able to dictate what my kids call his dad. All things that are out of his control and should never be his choice or withen his control.



Also once again does his age make a difference in the reaction if it were you and he was much younger?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 2:05am
Age can make a difference. But even adults are sometimes not done being parented. It seems your ss has missed the lesson that shows him the difference between things you can control and things you can't control. I'd validate his feelings, whatever they are, but remind him he doesn't get to control other peoples relationships and word choices. Get him to focus on what he can control, and keep him talking about how he's feeling, don't let him get away with changing the topic from his worries/concerns/fears to "other people's behavior." If he changes the topic from him to the other kids behavior, change the topic back, or tell him the conversation can continue when he's ready to make it about himself.

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser."


John W. Gardner





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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2007
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 2:31am

So I guess the debate is is DH wrong for not letting his DS run the show?



Yes. He should absolutely be letting the 18 year old son run the show.



But I'm thinking you already have an opinion about this just based on the wording of the "debate" alone.



I dont htink you will get too many of us on here that actually think that an adult child should be running thier lives.



The greater debate may be "How much should the dad be doing to repair thier relationship (son and dads)."



MAybe the dad should be arranging time for his son one to one. MAybe the 18 year old is feeling ursurped by the new kids calling his dad dad and suddenly having his fathers attention divided so drastically.



This isnt an easy peesy thing for even an 18 year old to deal with. And it does seem that your kids suddenly became his fathers kids and that alone (sharing the title of dad with kids he hardly knows)

              *Praying for my best friend, my Dad*


 &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2010
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 2:55am

Relax I never said BM sux. Is that chip big enough? From what I have been told he did something similar when BM got re-married 4 years ago. Got mad tried to dictate house rules and made life just messy for BM and SD. He even tried to move in with DH at the time. DH told him he would love to have him come live with him, but wanted him to think it through thoroughly, because he knew by running away from it DS would never work through his issues. He also knew that DS would regret not seeing his little brothers and sisters very much. DS finally decided to stay with mom and worked it out.



DH also has 3 other kids we get EOW and we live 2.5 hrs away so alone time is difficult at best. We are planning to move closer withen the next month, hopefully this will improve DH's relationship and time he gets to spend with his kids. FWIW the younger kids who are closer to mine in age have had only small issues here and there, which we sit them down and try to talk it through. I even got a bunch of kids books from library about blended families, and the emotions they may be having. If anything to tell them what they may feel is normal and there is nothing wrong with it. Just haven't been able to reach his oldest DS. Have you ever tried talking to a brick wall? He does a great impression,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2007
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 3:01am

              *Praying for my best friend, my Dad*


 &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2010
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 3:22am

Oh ok you edited it before I was able to reply. Cuz I really didn't ever say BM sux and the only menton of her was relevent to the question. And it was a line not a paragraph.



iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2007
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 3:41am
Yes, I went back a reread. However, I still dont think it was relevent info. But info given for us to develop a negative reaction to the BM, when it had no relevence to the debate at hand. Thats what a sux is.



              *Praying for my best friend, my Dad*


 &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2009
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 4:57am

< shooting the 8 yr old SB in the back with a pellet gun >

I would have LOST it over this. Majorly. I doubt that the SS would have been permitted near my child again for some considerable time.

Holy frak.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 5:24am

DH has informed him that is not going to happen that he is every bit as much their Dad as he is theirs.



Here is your problem.

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