How soon should introductions be made?

Avatar for Cmmelissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
How soon should introductions be made?
8
Tue, 09-10-2013 - 2:24pm

How soon should the children be introduced to the new girlfriend/boyfriend?  Should there be some type of commitment made before introductions?  

How do you feel about them sleeping over when the children are in the house?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Fri, 09-13-2013 - 5:49pm
I think a parent should introduce their SO whenever they are ready.  For me, it was a feeling, no set amount of time or commitment. 
I have no issue with SOs spending the night.  My ex did.  He got to learn that he can't control what happens during my parenting time.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2011
Tue, 09-17-2013 - 3:38pm
I think that there has to be some form of commitment before you meet the children, it's not good for the kids to have random adults come in and out of their lives. As far as sleepovers are concerned, I think it depends on the age of the children and how long the relationship has been going on. I wouldn't want random women sleeping over when my ex has custody of the children, just like I wouldn't want random men in my home when they are here. I'm teaching my children that sex is something to be valued, and you should show them that by example.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Tue, 09-17-2013 - 7:41pm
>>>I think that there has to be some form of commitment before you meet the children, it's not good for the kids to have random adults come in and out of their lives.<<<
Why?  People, in general, have people come in and out of their lives all the time, whether they be romantic partners, friends, co-workers, friends from school, neighbors, etc.  It's one of the natural parts of life. 

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 09-19-2013 - 1:46pm

I think it depends on the age of the kids.  A co worker or neighbor is not the same as a romantic partner.  Your neighbor may be a nice person but it's not expected they will be part of the family.  Some single parents will bring in the new partner too quickly, have them spend a lot of time with the child, the child bonds to that person and maybe even thinks this person is almost in a parental role, then they are gone.  It's just not fair to the child.  If someone is introduced as just "mom's friend", well she can have a lot of friends and maybe the person is just around on a casual basis once in a while that's one thing, but I think it's damaging to young children to put them in a situation where they are allowed to get very attached to someone and then that person is gone.  Sometimes it can't be prevented but the parent has to use good judgment.  I think if the kids are teenagers, they can understand that just because you go on a date with someone it doesn't mean you are going to end up married.  When I got divorced my kids were very young, so I never introduced anyone I dated to them until the guy who ended up being my 2nd DH--we hadn't actually dated that long, but we just knew we were serious.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Thu, 09-19-2013 - 8:22pm

A co-worker or neighbor or a family friend can be just like the parent's romantic partner, at least in the kid's eyes.  I'm highly engaged in the lives of my high school friend's kids.  We aren't romantic, but I see her kids 3-7 days a week.  Considering they are a military family, if they get sent to Japan this spring, the kids, at least the older two, likely would not see me again at least not while they're minors.  Stuff happens.

I've never been inclined to hide anyone I'm dating from my kids, or vice versa.  And even though my kids were young when I divorced, they were never confused about that.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

Avatar for Cmmelissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Mon, 09-23-2013 - 1:39pm

I was talking to a friend of mine who lives in TN, and she said that in her state, an overnight "guest" when the kids are present were grounds to lose your visitation or have the residential parent changed.    Does anyone know if other states have similar restrictions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Mon, 09-23-2013 - 11:29pm

I believe there are still several states with this intrusive, antiquated protocol.  Even worse is the Judges who independently decide to go this route. 

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999
Thu, 10-03-2013 - 1:03pm

Cmmelissa wrote:
<p>I was talking to a friend of mine who lives in TN, and she said that in her state, an overnight "guest" when the kids are present were grounds to lose your visitation or have the residential parent changed.    Does anyone know if other states have similar restrictions?</p>

I don't know of too many states that its mandatory, but it is pretty common.  I agree with the premise personally, but I know many people who don't agree with it at all.

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