infamous cutting hair & piercing ears

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
infamous cutting hair & piercing ears
54
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 2:14pm
Who cuts the hair and makes decisions about piercing ears? Many stepmom's have taken their skids to get their hair cut or their ears pierced. Is this custodial parent only territory? Should the other parent always be consulted of a major change? Should steps stay completely out of these issues?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 2:18pm

Who cuts the hair and makes decisions about piercing ears? IMHO: bioparents jointly

Many stepmom's have taken their skids to get their hair cut or their ears pierced. Is this custodial parent only territory? IMHO: Yes

Should the other parent always be consulted of a major change? IMHO: Yes

Should steps stay completely out of these issues? IMHO: Yes

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 2:35pm

I agree with Cupcake.... in fact, have dealt with one of these this week. I got a call from EX's "live in honey" asking me if it was OK to take DD10(HAPPY B'DAY TODAY)along with her daughters to get their hair cut (trims)(BTW- OK WITH ME, GLAD SHE DID THE RIGHT THING ASKING ME FIRST, THOUGH), but also that my DD had mentioned to her that she wants "bangs".... well I am a *NO BANGS* mom! I told "live in honey", and she said, "don't worry, I would have never done even a trim without talking to you, my daughters' step-mother and I have had "these issues", and I won't do it to you".

Respectable decision, coming from a "difficult to respect" woman, but I will give her credit where credit is due.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 2:38pm

I am a SM to a DSD and here's my take on it:

Who cuts the hair and makes decisions about piercing ears? Bio-parents have final say

Many stepmom's have taken their skids to get their hair cut or their ears pierced. Is this custodial parent only territory? No, not if both bio-parents have been made aware that SM will be taking her schild in advance.

Should the other parent always be consulted of a major change? Yes.

Should steps stay completely out of these issues? Not completely. I don't see anything wrong with me asking DH to inquire with bio-mom if it would be okay to have my DSD's ears done or hair cut. As long as everyone is involved and no one argues a "no" answer, I see no issue.

 

Avatar for sunflowergirl2
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 2:59pm

It would be nice if BM spoke to DH about hair and piercings but she doesn't.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 3:14pm

Who cuts the hair and makes decisions about piercing ears?
With DD, I do. Just over the holiday weekend she was BF and she wanted another piercing on her ears. BF called and asked if it was ok with me if he took her to get it done. She ended up not doing it because there was just not enough time, but that is usually how it works. As for major changes as in dying hair etc, I usually ask for BF opinion.
As for SS, It hasn't come up. BM seems like she would not consult it with SO, she only consults when she needs $$ or when she knows that SO will say no, making him the bad guy.

Many stepmom's have taken their skids to get their hair cut or their ears pierced. If they consulted with Custodial parent and Noncustodial parent first I wouldn't see a problem.

Is this custodial parent only territory? Ofcourse not. I mean noncustodial parents should have the opportunity to do these things with their children. SO long as both parents agree and are aware.

Should the other parent always be consulted of a major change? YES

Should steps stay completely out of these issues? Sometimes steps are the ones taking them to get these things done for whatever reason. As far as final decisionmaking, yes. but remember I am sure that their opinion will be asked for by their SO or if a strong opinion is felt it will be given to their SO to be considered in their decision.

All of my answers are based on the assumption that both parents are involved in the children's lives. If one parent is MIA, then it doesn't apply.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 3:40pm

I'm not sure why this is such a hot button issue, but it is nonetheless. One time, and one time only, did DH and I take SD for a haircut. She was 2 at the time and had bangs poking her eyes all the time. We tried barrettes, but she'd always pull them out, so we decided to take her for a trim. We only trimmed the bangs out of her eyes, and about 1/2 inch off of the rest, so there was *no* style change, it was maintenance only. This was also during a time when DH and BM did *not* co-parent at all. Neither one discussed anything at all with the other, so DH frankly didnt even think to call and ask. He had also never gotten a call from BM asking for his approval for a trim, so why should he have to ask her? KWIM?

Well, you would have thought we shaved her bald and painted her scalp purple with the way BM reacted.So no, neither DH, nor I would ever touch the precious hair again. I still for the life of me can't figure out why anyone thinks they have sole custody of hair cutting rights. Maybe it should start to be included right in the CO. It's laughable IMO.

I do however think that major appearance changes and ear piercing should be discussed in advance by the bios, but that goes both ways. It shouldn't be that a CP can do whatever they want, but an NCP has to "get permission".

As to steps, well, they have whatever "permission" the bio they are married to gives them and they need not be concerned with how the Ex feels.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 3:43pm

Unfortunately (in the NCP parent's perception) this is how it works:

QUOTE:

It shouldn't be that a CP can do whatever they want, but an NCP has to "get permission".

That is EXACTLY how my Order states things. *I* have the say, he has the right to be notified of my decisions.

Avatar for sunflowergirl2
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 3:46pm

That is EXACTLY how my Order states things. *I* have the say, he has the right to be notified of my decisions.


How would you feel if it were the other way around?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 3:53pm

I, being the SM, wouldn't take SD to get a haircut, ears pierced, etc, unless it was OK with BM.

DH could though and that's totally within his right as a parent. BM and DH have joint legal and their decree says that whoever SD is with at the time has the final say. Of course, I'm leaving out stuff like emergency medical situations or whatever. Of course, each would like the other to inform them what's going on. There is very little 'asking' though. BM doesn't ask DH about signing SD up for activities or getting her ears pierced (SD had hers done about a month ago). We find out about that stuff from SD.

DH wishes he had the right to get the 'uncut'. :) Up until a year ago, BM kept SD's hair SO short, she looked like a boy. Drove DH a bit nuts when people would say, "oh what a cute son you have", but he couldn't do a thing about it. Now that SD is almost 8, she has hair down to her shoulders (THANK GOODNESS) and is the cutest little thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 3:54pm

I would feel pretty s#*TTY, but considering what got him to the situation that he is a "part time, visiting" parent, the Court certainly found good cause.

His feelings are irrelevent when fact was found that his responsibility/decision making is insuperior.

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