Is it BD's right to be at the birth?

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Registered: 02-08-2010
Is it BD's right to be at the birth?
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Sat, 08-28-2010 - 10:10pm

I was just wondering what your ladies opinion would be on this.

SO's sister is due in a week or so. Concieving the baby was a result of a one night stand with a man she has some history with but they are not together and they never will be as far as she's concerned, at least.

She doesn't want BD at the birth of the baby.
By that I mean in the room. Nothing against him being outside the room and in the hospital. He can come in the moment the baby is born, but not during the birth itself.

Debate: If a mother is giving birth, do you think is's a father's right to be in the room? Or is it the mother's choice? (Taking laws out of the equation)
Do you think father SHOULD be there regardless of what mother decides? Why or why not?

My answer? My own sister and I were arguing SO about this. He belives it's a father right to be in the room during birth, wheras my sister and I believe it's the mother's choice.
If the mother and father are not a couple, why would she want someone in there whom she feels uncomfortable around while in excrutiating pain? Even if he can't see her lower region, why would you want them to see you that way?

I suppose he might be reliving his own experiences. He was with BM during all that and sure it would have been a special thing for him. But the difference is, he and BM were a couple at the time. It's a different situation.

WDYT?

ETA: BD of this baby isn't pressuring to be in the room. I think he's just going with the flow. I'm not sure he and BM have even had that discussion. Just thought I'd throw that out there. Thought it was an interesting topic seeing as SO felt so strongly about it for some reason..




Edited 8/29/2010 1:28 pm ET by ladylike_nima

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Sat, 08-28-2010 - 11:11pm
Exclusively up to the mother. Nobody in the birth room that she doesn't want in the birth room. Period.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2009
Sat, 08-28-2010 - 11:23pm

Exclusively up to the mother. Nobody in the birth room that she doesn't want in the birth room. Period.


Agreed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2005
Sat, 08-28-2010 - 11:25pm

totally agree, it is a medical event if it's happening at a hospital, and a private event when happening at home.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2009
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 1:08am

And I don't think anyone here is going to have a difference of opinion about this.


~sheepishly raises hand~


I disagree.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 2:04am
The birth of one's child is monumental, regardless of whether you are the mother or the father.



I agree it's monumental. That doesn't mean dad gets the right to witness it. Heck, sometimes mom loses the right to witness it too, as in the case when general anesthesia is suddenly needed.



If you aren't prepared for a man to see you sweating and groaning during the birth of the child you are having together, don't sweat and groan or whatever to make said child with him. You (general) don't want him there while you are in pain and vulnerable? Tough. For dad, it's really not all about you.



No, really it's tough on dad if mom doesn't want him there. She really truly has all the control over this decision because she's the patient up to the point the baby is born. No hospital, birthing center, doctor, midwife or judge, or any other person who has decision making power will support his decision to be present when she is against it. If he wants to see his baby born, then convince her of the merits of his attendance so she wants him there. The only control he gets, he gets by influencing her desire to want him to be present, so being persuasive might help him. Feeling entitled won't help him at all. Dad can say it's really not about mom, but it really, really is and the sooner he recognizes that the better.



There's a really, really good reason it is this way and that is that stressing a mother out beyond what is absolutely necessary, making her more uncomfortable than she already is, forcing something on her she is not okay with during childbirth is a very bad health decision. Dad would be putting the mother and child in a worse situation healthwise which he has no legal right to do. Plus it's just plain all around a bad idea.



Then again, I don't believe a woman should be allowed to get an abortion if the father is not on board either, so I know mine is the minority opinion.



I don't really agree with that either, but I can see that point a lot better because she is taking away his rights to be a father when she has an abortion. Not the case if she simply doesn't want him making her birth harder, more stressful, and therefore more risky for her and the baby than it has to be. In that case she's protecting herself and protecting the child, and he's the one endangering them. Which is why pretty much nobody with the power to do something about it would support his choice to be present against her wishes.



It is his child, but it's not his birth.

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser."

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 3:11am
In the room? Absolutely not. Heck, I don't even agree that HUSBANDS have that right without the full consent of the mother, let alone some guy from a one-night stand. He can sit his butt down in the waiting room until he's called.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2009
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 3:49am

The father has no say in this at all. There was a thread on another board some time ago about a guy who was pressuring PG wife to allow his mother in the birthing room. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME???

Hell no, basically. When the dad is pushing the kid out of HIS bits, then he can decide. Until then, he can STFU.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2009
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 3:52am

The issue I have with that is that anything which makes a labouring woman more stressed is bad. Bad for her, bad for the baby and may well lead to avoidable interventions.

Dad's fee-fees don't trump the physical wellbeing of mother and baby.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2009
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 3:54am

< Heck, I don't even agree that HUSBANDS have that right without the full consent of the mother >

Agreed.

But then I also think that husbands/long-term partners should be there if Mama wants them present, even if they don't want to be.

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Registered: 03-29-2003
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 8:44am

"SO's sister is due in a week or so. Concieving the baby was a result of a one night stand with a man she has some history with but they are not together and they never will be as far as she's concerned, at least."

I'm pretty sure I'll be int he minority here but as it's said so often about men who don't have a problem with laying down with someone but don't want to be a Daddy and end up getting someone pregnant, it was their choice when they chose to have sex with someone. If they don't want the father there then maybe the woman should have done something to prevent it or not slept with the man. :o)

Someone had a one night stand, that was their choice to lay down with someone knowing there is always a possibility to make a baby and the baby is 50% the man's. I don't see why he shouldn't get to be there for the birth of his child. That doesn't mean he needs to be with his face down in her crotch area but IMO he shouldn't have to miss out on seeing his child take it's first breath.

If him being there makes Mom stressed or whatever so be it. If he's stressing her during labor and she doesn't want him in there great but I don't think she should get to say he doesn't get to see his child take it's first breath. That's just my, most likely not very popular, view on things.

 

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