Keeping Secrets From BM

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2010
Keeping Secrets From BM
155
Fri, 09-24-2010 - 7:28am

I have a friend who has an SD15 - almost 16. They are close in a friends kind of way not a mother/daughter kind of way. They talk, share clothing, go to concerts..things like that.

BM made it clear years ago that she wanted SD to hate SM and SD has given BM the impression that she has complied even though it's not true.

SD confides in SM that she is sexually active with her boyfriend. She has not confided in BM since BM is the type to react in a very bad, OTT way, nor has she confided in BD because she isn't comfy talking about sex with BD. SM waited for the right moment and disclosed the sexual activity to BD. When BD asked for SM's opinion, SM suggested that it would be best to get the child on BC since it wasn't likely that she would stop the sexual activity. BD agreed but left the particulars to SM as he sees it as a girly thing. BD will not tell BM because she will 'flip a lid' and there is no way she will allow the child to be on birth control.

There's more to the story but I'll leave it at that for now.

Debate:

Should BD give permission for birth control for teenage SD without discussing it with BM?

Given that SM has dad's permission, is it OK for her chauffeur the child to dr to get on BC and be the 'friend' who is there for her (Type of BC will probably be implants in the arm)?

Was SM wrong to go to BD with the knowledge that SD was sexually active?






Edited 9/24/2010 7:40 am ET by m4s2_2

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Fri, 09-24-2010 - 7:32am
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2010
Fri, 09-24-2010 - 7:37am

I was hoping this might liven things up a bit.

You should have seen it before I edited half of it out!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 09-24-2010 - 7:44am

<

Should BD give permission for birth control for teenage SD without discussing it with BM?>>

I try to think of my own sitch when imagining this happening and I have to say, I dont know. Like I kinda think that both parents should be on the same page with birth control before their DD is prescribed it. But in my case, BM would be for it long before BD would even want to discuss it. I just those issues, in my case, would be totally up to BM. But I know that DH would never consent to it without BMs permission either way.

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Me? I wouldnt touch it with a 10 foot pole if I were SM.

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Now this? If SD told me that she were sexually active, as SM, I wouldnt want to be the one knowing this without at least one of the parents knowing it too. In my case and knowing my DH, I'd definitely include BM on this info, even though we really dont have a relationship. But when it comes to SD and sex, BM is just the lesser of two evils. This is something I absolutely would not share with DH, ever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2008
Fri, 09-24-2010 - 8:57am

I may have missed - who has legal custody, and how is the medical decision-making written (or not written) into the CO?



SM was not wrong to disclose to BD - in fact, I think it's necessary.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2010
Fri, 09-24-2010 - 9:00am

Should BD give permission for birth control for teenage SD without discussing it with BM?
See, I think this is the predicament that BMs create when they absolutely, positively, refuse to accept SM as a living person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2010
Fri, 09-24-2010 - 9:02am
I may have missed - who has legal custody, and how is the medical decision-making written (or not written) into the CO?



Both parents share joint legal custody. The CO does not mention medical decision making at all.



BD should get over his williness and just take DD to the doctor. It's his job. He's the parent - man up and do it already. Plus, it's good for DD to know that men can be involved in reproductive decision-making.



What if SD specifically asked that SM to be the one to take her and to make a kind of girl's day of it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2007
Fri, 09-24-2010 - 9:07am

Should BD give permission for birth control for teenage SD without discussing it with BM?



This is a tough one. Normally I'd say it needs to be discussed, but if I say better safe than sorry - especially when it comes to sex. She also needs to be taught how to use condoms and take appropriate measures to have safe sex, although I would be teaching abstinence above everything else.



Given that SM has dad's permission, is it OK for her chauffeur the child to dr to get on BC and be the 'friend' who is there for her (Type of BC will probably be implants in the arm)?



IMO yes, in this situation. I'm sure the girl doesn't want dad to do it.



Was SM wrong to go to BD with the knowledge that SD was sexually active?



No, she was right in doing so IMO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Fri, 09-24-2010 - 9:10am

NEVER okay to keep medical information from an active parent, either male or female.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Fri, 09-24-2010 - 9:14am

Should BD give permission for birth control for teenage SD without discussing it with BM?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Fri, 09-24-2010 - 9:16am
Here's my concern with this whole scenario: girl gets on birth control, gets the implant or w/e. Has a medical issue that needs to be addressed, BM doesn't know the girl is on BC. When it comes up, either from the DD herself or a doctor or whomever, how is BM going to react then? You think she's going to flip a lid over the mention of putting DD on it, I can only imagine how white-girl crazy she'd go if she found out after the fact.






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