loving step children...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
loving step children...
12
Wed, 03-07-2012 - 11:57am

i am wondering how many Step parents love thier step children? How many bio parents EXPECT step parents to LOVE the child?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Wed, 03-07-2012 - 12:12pm
I would not marry someone who didn't love my kids. Nor would I marry someone whose kids I did not love.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Wed, 03-07-2012 - 12:22pm

sorry i forgot he link!

an expert psychologist Mary T. Kelly says

"At one of my recent “Stepmonster” support groups, one woman mumbled, “Last week, my husband told me that if I didn’t love his son the way I love our daughter, he’s going to divorce me.” Her husband needed a big-time reality check."

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Wed, 03-07-2012 - 12:50pm
I disagree with the article. Love of my children would be a requirement to live in the same home as them.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2010
Wed, 03-07-2012 - 12:54pm

I could copy and paste okmrsmommy's response.

I would never put my children in any situation that they were 'second class' to anyone else's children in any way and I couldn't do that to his children, either.

It's a decision first, an action second, and a feeling third.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Wed, 03-07-2012 - 1:02pm

OK, and what would you do/how would you feel/how would you react, if you suspected your ex to have married someone who did not love your child?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Wed, 03-07-2012 - 1:10pm
His poor choices would be on him. If my kids came to me with concerns, I would definitely address them with him.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2011
Wed, 03-07-2012 - 2:18pm
While I care greatly for my SK, I don't love them in the same way I love my own child. It doesn't mean I play favorites, or that I treat my SK differently, it just means it's different. I've never discussed it with my husband, although I imagine he feels the same way. I just don't feel the same connection. Sort of like how the way you feel about your in-laws is different than how you feel about your parents.

I don't think I'd want to be with someone the "demanded" love from me for any reason. You can't force it, it's something that has to grow over time, especially if the child is having a difficult time with the changes in their life. If the parent tries to demand it, it's only going to make the situation worse. There's a reason you give birth to a helpless newborn and not a bratty teen that tells you that you've ruined their life ;)

On the other hand, if my spouse truly hated my child, I'd do some serious counseling to see what's at the root of the problem. That could lead to the end of the relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Wed, 03-07-2012 - 2:30pm

i don't think that you could have said it ANY better...I know that NOBODY can love my kids the way i do, and i SURE as heck don't expect anyone to love my children, ESP right off the bat, it is something that GROWS over time. But every child in my house is given care and respect, and not treated any less than any other child...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2008
Wed, 03-07-2012 - 3:54pm
While I can see both sides of this debate, I have to agree with you ranger that you couldn't have said it any better. I care about my SD's and wouldn't ever want to do anything to hurt them in any way. I do love them in a certain way, as they are my DF's kids, but I don't love them the way I love my DD. I can say though, that I DO NOT treat them any diffrenetly at all. I treat all 3 girls with respect and have the same expectations out of them.
Love is not a feeling that you can just snap your fingers and make it happen. It's something that grows with time. I have been "demanded" to LOVE SD's like my own, but had to kindly break it down to DF that it's just not there right now. I have had so many up's and down's with his dd's with the transition that have been extremely tough for me.
I agree as well that if I hated DF's kids or he hated my dd, we would have to do some serious counseling and soul searching. Hate is such a strong word and if that feeling is true, I can't see it turning around.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2009
Wed, 03-07-2012 - 4:16pm
I do not love my SK's. I do not have kids of my my own, nor am I interested in having kids of my own. My BF completely understands that I do not love his kids, as he told me he wouldn't be able to love someone else's kids either.

I do not hate them, I like them the same as I like my friends children. Either you have the feelings or you don't. Either it grows or it doesn't. Im not going to force something thats not natural to me.

I treat them with respect and kindness and am there for them. I think thats whats important. I just don't parent them or make sacrifices for them (financially, etc) Thats my bf's job and the bio moms job.

Pages