New fathers

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2009
New fathers
9
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 12:08am

I read an article in a parenting magazine about the new generation of fathers. One of the statistics stated that 25% of preschoolers have their father as the primary care giver. This is actually my sitch as well. DH stays home, I work. It occurred to me that if we divorced, and the

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2009
In reply to: newmommy1009
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 3:01am

I'm the primary caregiver, although I do WOH part time.

I believe in 50/50. SO doesn't. He thinks the CP/NCP model is best to give the child stability and avoid the 'two homes' thing. If we split, I would be CP.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
In reply to: newmommy1009
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 6:34am

So the debate is, if you don't agree with 50/50, and if your ex had been the primary caregiver during your relationship, would you accept your NCP default or change your mind and go for 50/50?


If I didn't believe in it at the time, it's likely I would change my mind once the situation affected me directly.


If you're a believer in 50/50, are you the primary caregiver or is your DH/ex? Is it possible your feelings about 50/50 are based on your DH/ex's status as primary caregiver?


50/50 has its merits. What if both parents worked FT and neither had more of a primary caregiver role?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2009
In reply to: newmommy1009
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 8:16am

If you're a believer in 50/50, are you the primary caregiver or is your DH/ex? Is it possible your feelings about 50/50 are based on your DH/ex's status as primary caregiver?


I am a 50/50 believer with stipulations. IF

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2009
In reply to: newmommy1009
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 8:34am

One set of statistics is not dispositive, I would like to see link or group doing survey.


IMHO, 50/50 needs

A Stepparent is as much a parent as an ex-wife is a wife.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
In reply to: newmommy1009
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 9:44am

I was the primary care giver because I believe I was better suited to be the primary care giver and my ex believed he was better suited to be the provided. Which is strange, since I made slighly more than him when my oldest was born. But after the children were born, he became "focused" on earnings and I became "focused" on care giving although we both did both, of course.

That belief we held when married carried over to divorce.

I think if we believed differently when married, then I would have worked more and my ex would have given more care, making it possible for me to work more. We would have behaved, while married, in a less traditional role manner. That would have carried over to our expectations after the divorce.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2009
In reply to: newmommy1009
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 12:00pm

If you're a believer in 50/50, are you the primary caregiver or is your DH/ex?


I am primary caregiver and believe in 50/50.


I think kids need both parents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2008
In reply to: newmommy1009
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 2:25pm

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I do believe in 50/50 and I think it is fair in a lot of cases, but it doesn't mean I would like it for myself and my husband if we divorced. In fact, I wouldn't like it. My husband and I split responsibilities when it comes to our son, we both work, but if we split, I would want to be the custodial parent. Of course, I wouldn't have a valid argument as to why we shouldn't have 50/50 other than the fact that I wouldn't want it that way.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
In reply to: newmommy1009
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 2:36pm

>>>>
So the debate is, if you don't agree with 50/50, and if your ex had been the primary caregiver during your relationship, would you accept your NCP default or change your mind and go for 50/50?

If you're a believer in 50/50, are you the primary caregiver or is your DH/ex? Is it possible your feelings about 50/50 are based on your DH/ex's status as primary caregiver?
>>>>

I don't believe in 50/50 and I would not have been comfortable with my husband being primary caretaker. My feelings has nothing to do with DH and BM, that is how I always felt.

Lee

Lee

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2010
In reply to: newmommy1009
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 3:20pm

No. I will never accept, without a fight, being a NCP to any other children of mine unless I'm totally incapacitated and/or disabled.

We actually have this in writing and while I know it won't uphold in court later...it's in writing so neither one of us can claim it wasn't thoroughly discussed and hashed out.

DH knows I'm the primary caregiver, that I'm a fair, reasonable parent and I want to share our children as much as possible. But if a primary custodian HAD to be named...he knows he's not the best choice.