New SO's feelings

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
New SO's feelings
544
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 11:26am

Sunday was a little weird. We had Son’s 12th birthday party. And both Ex and SO were there. They’ve been around each other before…but only because our girls played on the same soccer team (before we started dating). I knew it was going to be a hard day for SO, but GEESH! I need to better learn how to make him feel comfortable…maybe time will help?

Ex was actually really nice all day Sunday. Even paid half of the party and ALMOST half of hockey registration. Nothing for Daughter’s soccer, but I’m going to be happy he’s at least helping with something.

It was weird for SO, though, with Ex in my house, around my sister, etc. I was VERY thankful that one of my good friends was there who really likes SO and he likes her…so they chatted a lot. My sister and Ex were VERY chatty, though, which isn’t bad…I think it’s good, but hard for the new guy. While the kids played laser tag, the four of us sat at a table and chatted…but it was hard for SO because it was a lot of family type stuff, and SO is so new…ya know?

On a sweet note, SO got Son a new bb gun. Son is OVER THE FREAKING MOON about it. I mean, he has guns and stuff at his dad’s house, but this is one he can use at my house, and he’s super excited. And now he likes SO even more…lol…

So...I’ve never really run into this before. SO is sooo quiet. None of my friends/family/ex are. So…how do I help? How do I make him more comfortable, and give him that feeling that I am HIS??? I tried to stay close to him, hold his hand, talk to him, etc…but it’s hard when it’s a kid’s party…ya know?

I'm putting this in debate because I"m SURE there are differing opinions on this...and I don't want anyone to hold back. :) How do you make your spouse/SO feel like THEY are the center of your universe when you're friendly with your ex at joint events?

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Mom to DD-13 and DS-11



Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 11:44am

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Let me ask you, how long have you and SO been together? I ask because I wonder how close he is with your family(like your sister, etc). I found that is what helped when I first met DH. The first time he met BD, it was kinda awkward for me too because family was around and BD knew my family way better than DH did at that time.

But by the next time BD and DH were in each others presence, DH had gotten to know my family really well, so he was more comfortable. Its actually how he and BD got to be so cool because they both laugh and joke with my parents all the time now, these days they just do it together. LOL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2007
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 11:46am

<<>

I don't make my DH feel like he is the center of my universe when we are at/hosting an event for my kid or somebody that is not DH. The truth is that DH is not the center of my universe often. To be fair, I don't expect DH to make me the center of his universe at these types of things either. We are both grown and need to find our own way to be comfortable at these events. I wouldn't say they are stress free by any means, but we can both suck it up and handle ourselves without needing too much assistance. In fact, it would annoy me if my hubs needed me to coddle him while I was throwing a bday party for my kid.

Could you be over thinking this OK? If he is a quiet kind of guy, maybe he had a fine time and will mingle at his own pace without becoming resentful. You can't make him gregarious like the rest of your family. Did he state that he was uncomfortable with how YOU treated him or handled the situation?

brc

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2010
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 11:50am

Wouldn't your kid have been the "center of the universe" at this event, his birthday party?



I should think making the SO feel good should be done in private.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2009
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 11:54am

I'm going to say that in my previous marriage , I hated that I had to do this for my spouse, he was insecure and it felt like coddling. I expected him to be a big boy and mingle.

Thankgoodness my now DH can handle himself wherever we go and I trust he will walk off and entertain people with his wit and they will love him as do I. He is secure with himself.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 11:54am
This is going to sound bad, but honestly I don't feel it's my 'job' to make my SO feel like the center of my universe no matter where we are. He's a big boy and if he's feeling uncomfortable he will tell me, and we can go from there. I'm not a big fan of men who need to be coddled (not saying your SO needs that, just in general) because I'm not the coddling type. I would never purposely throw him into a situation where he would be highly uncomfortable, but I'm not going to hold his hand to make him feel like he's the only person in the world that's important to me. He already knows he's my #1, and I reinforce that at home, in private.






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Registered: 08-16-2010
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 11:58am
Ditto.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2009
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 12:15pm

I'm a quiet person and I HATE when I feel that others are trying too hard to "take care of me". I can totally mingle on my own, and make conversation (even if it's more taxing for me than it is for an extrovert), and it makes me feel self-conscious when the person I'm with treats me differently than they would someone who was more talkative. Like I'm handicapped, or something. Ok, rant over, LOL.

Don't worry about him. Don't ignore him, but also don't try any harder than you would with an extrovert or chatty person. Likely, all that you are accomplishing is to make him feel more uncomfortable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 12:21pm

Actually, SO had never met my sister before. My family is just my sister and grandparents and kids…that’s it.

And it is very much what you say. Ex has known my family for…gosh…15 years. He has a history with them. And my grandparents consider him family…very much family. After me, they rely on him more than any other family member, except maybe one of my uncles. So, that’s going to be hard for SO. But, like I told him, all they care about is that he’s good to me and my kids. And he is….soooo good!

Meez 3D avatar avatars games



Mom to DD-13 and DS-11



Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 12:24pm
No, I’m not over thinking it. He really had a hard time with it. BUT…he’s not a husband.  And this is all new. Now, next year, if he’s having the same problems, like you, I’ll be annoyed. BUT…for now, I think it’s probably normal for him to be apprehensive and need some reassurance.

Meez 3D avatar avatars games



Mom to DD-13 and DS-11



Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 12:27pm

We have talked about it. I should have made it clear. He WAS uncomfortable. And yes, my kid was the center of his party. But, he could care less about me...he wanted to hang with the other pre-teens/teens. Not me or his dad or anyone else.

My point of him being the "center of the universe" was more about him knowing that I'm with HIM and not Ex...and I have no desire to be with ex. More of a reassurance thing. Especially since my relationship with Ex isn't something he's used to. His relationship with his ex is...well, I call it rude. They just don't talk and when they do it's short sentences, barely civil. So, he's just not used to interacting families/exes, etc.

Meez 3D avatar avatars games



Mom to DD-13 and DS-11



Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

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