No love for the stepkids?

Avatar for Cmmelissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
No love for the stepkids?
Mon, 04-22-2013 - 3:52pm

This has been debated on these boards before, and i thought was an interesting point of view.  I ran across this anonymous confession on, the writer is talking about how she doesn't want to have a connection with her stepkids.  While she respects them and treats them well, she tends to keep them at arms length.  She'll do what they ask of her, but also prefers to back off so they can spend time with their dad.  

Maybe I’m being pro-active. I know mothers who detest their stepchildren. I don’t want to detest them. If I don’t get too close to them, they will never detest me or yell at me, nor will I detest them.

Isn’t it enough just to have a calm household? Do I need to love them? Yes, it is very difficult to be a child of divorce and then have your parent remarry and to shuffle between two homes.

But when it comes to blended families, and children who are not your own, can’t just getting along with them be “enough?”

Read more:

What do you think about her POV?  While I think she's on the right track in some respects, like leaving the parenting to their dad, I still wonder how the kids view the relationship.  Do you think they feel like they are accepted by their stepmom, or does that matter?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2011
Fri, 04-26-2013 - 2:18pm

Wow.  While I agree that you don't have to feel love for your stepkids, I'm not sure I like her decision to keep them at arms length.  These are the children of the man she loves, I'd be interested to hear how he feels about her interaction with them.   A lot probably depends on the kids ages though, and the relationship they have with their BM.  I think that this would be a better arrangement for teens, but not for younger kids.  Also depends on how good she is at faking interest in them.