Non Custodial Mothers

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2010
Non Custodial Mothers
114
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 7:25am

Reading another members posts yesterday brought to the surface my personal views on non-custodial mothers. I instantly judge and condemn these women, although I expect this is based on my own experiences over the past years with the NCP BM in our lives.

*Logically* I understand and accept that the stigma is unfair and often undeserved, but instinctively I also shrink away from women who do not have custody of their child/ren.

Does anyone else appreciate the logic that dictates that this stigma is unfair, but still instinctively or subconsciously judges the woman involved?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2006
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 7:43am

"Does anyone else appreciate the logic that dictates that this stigma is unfair, but still instinctively or subconsciously judges the woman involved?"



Unless I knew someone's back story, I used to feel this way. Until I became NCP.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2010
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 7:53am
"Unless I knew someone's back story, I used to feel this way. Until I became NCP."






Your choice or not?



iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2009
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 7:56am

I recently found out that a colleague-becoming-friend of mine is an NCP BM. My initial reaction was to shrink away from her, but I controlled it and reminded myself that it's stupid to judge a woman for being the exact same thing as my SO - an NC parent.

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"Justice, fairness, and the Aquarian way"



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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2010
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 8:01am
Yes, it is stupid, but your immediate and instinctive reaction, before you *thought* about it, was ... ?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2008
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 8:05am

Nope. I figure it's none of my business.

My sister was NCP because my nephew chose to live the week at the marital home and that was in EX BILs name. He saw his mother all the time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2006
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 8:34am
<<"Unless I knew someone's back story, I used to feel this way. Until I became NCP."


Your choice or not?>>




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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 8:45am

Does anyone else appreciate the logic that dictates that this stigma is unfair, but still instinctively or subconsciously judges the woman involved?



Well I am one who believes that men can be just as good parents as women, so no stigma here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2007
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 9:21am

<<>>



Yes.


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 9:33am
For me, it all depends on what happened and what the NCP is doing now (male or female). If they are involved with their children and trying to do the best they can for them, then I give them major props. If not, then I do tend to shrink away, because I can't imagine just not giving a chit about my child.






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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2010
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 9:45am

"Does anyone else appreciate the logic that dictates that this stigma is unfair, but still instinctively or subconsciously judges the woman involved?"

I still do and I am a non-residential mother. My first thoughts are, "Why doesn't she have custody?" even knowing "how" when she is anything but unfit or negligent as a mother.

It usually doesn't happen in a vacuum. It is quite possible the cultural streams made it possible through increased father's right's activism gaining wide acceptance socially and in the court room. It's not just healthy fathers seeking custody but very unhealthy ones too. And in a culture chanting the mantra of "equality", any father showing any interest in custody, financially solvent, willing to entertain historical revisionism and the right attorney, and the mother doesn't, makes it quite possible to get it against her will.

Provocative subject. I'm sure there are plenty of mothers who feed your prejudice because stigmas have some truth to them.






Edited 9/28/2010 9:46 am ET by peripheral_mom

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